Mini-Love-Lesson #178
Synopsis: Introduction to actions that work and how
we know they work starts this mini-love-lesson which is then followed
by a dozen specific steps you can take that are known to have helped a
great many people get through heartbreak recovery and on to full and
lasting love.
(Who might you recommend this mini love lesson to?)
Heartbreak Recovery Actions That Work
Agony, misery, longing, emptiness, depression, despair, deep and
profound hurt – on and on go the words that describe the pain of a
broken heart. The good news is you can hurry to ‘heartbreak recovery’
and go on to healthy, real, full and lasting love! In fact you can go
on to far better love than perhaps you ever thought possible using your
heartbreak to help you get there.
To do heartbreak recovery you have to take action. New actions which
are probably rather different from what you are used to will be
required. New behaviors, new thinking and even new emotions may be
involved. To achieve heartbreak recovery and going on to full and
lasting love requires some time, will, energy, learning, practice and
real effort. The only thing taking more of these things is not acting
to recover. Important:
‘if you want better results you have to DO better actions’. The same old actions will only get you the same old results.
We will show you actions that are known to have brought heartbreak
recovery too many. They also can help you move on to healthy, real love
and its wondrous joys. You have to take the actions which begins with
reading about them here. You already have begun.
How Do We Know These Actions Actually Work?
I know these heartbreak recovery actions work because of three big
things. First, I personally have had the profound joy of seeing
literally hundreds of heartbroken, suffering individuals and couples
achieve heartbreak recovery and go on to healthy, real love by using the
techniques you are soon to read about. The same is true for the
counselors and therapists I have trained, coached and supervised.
Second is that many of the methods suggested here are backed by some
pretty good, supporting, scientific research. (Consult
Is There Really a New Field Called Loveology?).
The third is that when I was going through heartbreak and desperately
in need of heartbreak recovery I used a number of these techniques and
they made a world of positive difference. They also helped me go on to
my now 40 + years of grand and abiding love with my wondrous lover,
Kathleen.
Actions to take for Heartbreak Recovery
We only have room to briefly describe the actions we are suggesting
you take. It is OK if you are dubious about some of them and whether or
not they will work for you. The suggested actions for heartbreak
recovery and going on to full of lasting love are not things you have to
believe in, though that might help some. They just are things you have
to actually do experimentally but not halfheartedly. Trying them on
for size, so to speak, will be just fine. Also you do not have to do
all of them. We suggest you pick out some of the ones that seem to
appeal to you and start with those. Then, keep going on to others and
keep repeating the ones that seem to work best until you are where you
want to be.
A Dozen Actions to Take for Heartbreak Recovery
1. Vow to recover! With power and vigor, decide and
declare your decision to recover, to heal and to go on to greater
love. Do this out loud and with muscular, physical motions. ‘Motion
changes emotion’ so as you make your declaration (without self hurt)
pound your fist , stomp, march or do whatever helps you feel powerful.
By doing it this way you reach much deeper into your mind/brain where
simple reason and non-energized speech seldom reaches. With
determination ‘promise’ yourself you will do what it takes!
2. Start being better to your body. Accept the fact
that emotional heartbreak is biologically bad for your body and
especially bad for your brain. Heartbreak sometimes precipitates
physical heart attacks, immunity problems, depression, anxiety episodes,
stress reactions, stomach problems, and a lot more problems you do not
want. So, if it is healthy for you, take vitamins, eat healthy,
exercise at least 20 minutes a day and consider being guided by the
health professionals of your choice.
3. Hide in your safety cave, but not too long. When
wounded, most animals including us humans want to crawl in a hole and
stay there. That is a natural way to stay safe and start the healing
process. Doing this will help you survive but will not help you
thrive. So, before you feel fully ready, start venturing out a little
bit at a time and then more and more.
4. Use the pain! Hurt has purpose. It exists to
help us avoid harm. It comes with ‘guidance messages’ and for those who
learn how to hear what it is trying to say and trying to teach us,
recovery comes sooner and better. Often when we learn and start to
follow the guidance from emotional pain the pain surprisingly reduces.
Denying the hurt, running away from it, ‘toughing it out’, over
medicating, drowning it in alcohol and drugs, etc., in the long run, may
prolong the pain, make it worse and help you experience heartbreak
again because probably you didn’t learn enough from it (See
Title Index ‘Dealing with Love Hurts:’alphabetically, first 4 lessons).
5. Actively release anger – nondestructively. On at
least three separate occasions scream, cuss, pound your fist, stomp
around, kick pillows, chop wood, tear up stuff you were going to throw
way, throw ice cubes at brick walls, cry freely and generally thrash
about for no more than 20 minutes (less if physically need be, or if the
anger feels diminished earlier). Then force yourself to do something
else that feels good. Cathartic release has real value but there is a
danger.
If you do it too much you may be training yourself to have more pain,
anger, etc.. Be sure you do all this in ways that do not hurt or harm
anyone, including yourself or damages anything of importance. Vengeance
fantasies are fine but vengeance actions lead us away from future love
success, not toward it. “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord” probably
because humans can not handle it.
6. Fake it till you make it. When you fake being
okay, happy, doing well, etc. you actually trigger mechanisms in your
brain that helps it become more true. So, not just when you are around
others but also when you are by yourself, smile, sing, whistle, say
happy upbeat stuff to yourself about yourself, and act like your
heartbreak recovery has been fully achieved.
7. Use the ‘five titles technique’. If you are
pining away, can not stop trying to restart the relationship even though
you know it won’t work, torturing yourself with longing, etc., this
technique is for you. Purposely think of the five worst things that
happened in that relationship. Give each of those five things a book or
movie title. For example, “She was brought home by police, and was so
drunk she was almost arrested for lewd, disorderly conduct – titled
Days of Wine and Roses” or “He knocked me down and broke my wrist – titled
The Abuser” Write each title on a card you carry with you.
When you get to longing, etc., take out the card and read the first
title while asking yourself “Do I really want to risk suffering through
another version of that again?” Do the same with title 2, and so
forth. Then go do something distracting possibly with a friend.
8. Emotionally diminish and detox contact with your ex.
Contact with an ex can work like an addict having another dose of
heroin as they try to withdraw. Each contact can start the addiction
dynamics all over again. If you work together or have to do parenting
together, etc. it is extra hard but there is a way. With each contact,
act as emotionally blah, boring, dull and businesslike as you can. Any
show of emotion, be it positive or negative, may start the
addiction-like process all over again. No matter what your ex does, the
more you do not show emotions the less negatively emotionally effected
you are likely to be.
This likely also will help your ex to contact you less often and in
less negative way’s. Continue this demeanor until your breakup recovery
is well established. Later a ‘kill’em’ with kindness” approach may
help. Having zero contact can be rough and it can work like going ‘cold
turkey’ but it is likely to be the quickest route to full heartbreak
recovery. Weaning yourself with less and less, and shorter and shorter
contacts also can work but may take longer. If your ex is trying to
hurt or harass you, this approach often can help get your ex confused,
disinterested and disengaged.
9. Learn about and practice healthy self-love a lot.
Especially is it important to make your self-talk accurately positive.
If your self-talk is too negative and critical, heartbreak recovery
will probably take a lot longer. So, start making your list of ‘one
hundred good things about yourself’ – small, medium and large things.
Pick a few each day to compliment and praise yourself about. Do this
with gusto and physical motions expressive of strength.
This will help reach the limbic system of your brain and not just
stay in the more shallow, unmotivating, thinking cortex; by doing that
it can help a lot. Do yourself favors, buy yourself presents, do things
that help you laugh and put yourself with upbeat people. Listen to
happy music. Do upbeat meditation and/or prayer. Re-affirm your
loveability and your ability to love as you learn more and more about
love (See “
Self-love and Its Five Healthy Functions”).
10. Don’t stagnate, meditate then activate. You may
need some ‘down time’, quiet time, etc. Use it well meditating,
celebrating the good that was in the last relationship and how it will
be a prerequisite for what comes next. Journal what you have yet to
learn and to strengthen in yourself. Then push yourself into new
action. Go new places and meet new, up beat and going people, avoid the
old and the sad connected to your ex, envision the future you want and
go after it knowing you can grow more love-skilled to get it, renounce
remorse, guilt, blame and focus on being response-‘able’. Engage in
joyful and meaningful spiritual practices. Start creating new positive
memories, new positive habits and new positive goals.
11. Start flirting and then dating ‘lite’ and not just one.
You may not be ready to do this until you after you have done it. Very
important is not to center in on the first romantic love possibility
and exclude others. Go out with 2 or more, even five, but maybe after
that it gets too complicated. Don’t get serious maybe for at least a
year. The best potential romantic interest is likely to slowly rise
above the others. Don’t get in a rush or let yourself be rushed.
Remember, real love is patient and most things that grow slower grow
stronger and last longer.
12. Study love and its workings, and practice what you learn.
This is the most important one of all. You may have to break free from
the old, destructive myth that teaches us to rely on magic and fate for
our success at love. It subtly teaches there is nothing to learn or
work at. Love, like everything else important done without learning and
work, is extremely failure prone. Notice that in the ancient legends
the masters of magic, wizards and sorcerers spent most of their time
studying and practicing. If you are to experience the magical wonders
of love, you probably will have to do the same – study and practice a
lot (Read “
To Win at Love Study Love”).
More and more scientific researchers are delving into the dynamics of
love and what they are finding is marvelous, beautiful, fantastic and
most of all is useful. These findings show love to be even more amazing
and far more important for life’s well-being than we ever thought.
In Russia, Loveology (read “
Is There Really a New Field Called Loveology”
has been made an official field of study. You already are at work
studying love by reading this mini-love-lesson. Next, I recommend you
read the mini-love-lesson titled “
To Win at Love Study Love”.
It tells ways to study love and gives recommendations for reading that
have helped millions. Then read a few more mini-love-lessons from the
index section called
Definitions, Theories and Understandings. Also be sure to check out “
Heartbreak Mending and the Deep, Multi-love Remedy”, “
Why Love Problems Hurt So Bad” and “
Loneliness and Love” in the
Problems and Pain section.
But remember, you can’t just read about love, you have to do things,
new and different things because love is a participation endeavor. It
is kind of like swimming, just reading and thinking about it won’t be
enough. Consequently, frequently it is the study and practice of love
knowledge that can get you through heartbreak, to recovery and on to
full and lasting love much faster and much more thoroughly.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Questions:
Which of the above 12 steps for heartbreak recovery are you going to
start experimenting with first, and exactly how soon are you going to
start?
♥ And could
this mini-love-lesson be of help to someone you know who is suffer from
heartbreak? If so, please tell them about it.
