Synopsis: The huge and often poorly dealt with
problem of self ‘dis’-affirmation is first presented; followed by why
affirmation from others is not enough; and then how to do healthy,
strong self-affirmation complete with a 10 Point Program for helping you
grow your own healthy self-love through self-affirmation exercises.
The Huge Problem of Self Dis-Affirmation
Chelsea, everybody agreed, was gorgeous but in her own evaluation
Chelsea was sure she was, at best, average looking. Everybody agreed
Chelsea was quite sweet but she believed she was far too often very
mean. Chelsea made high grades in college but secretly believed she was
below average in intelligence.
Worst of all, Chelsea was convinced she was so basically inferior she
was unlovable and, therefore, destined for a life of loneliness. Her
self dis-affirmation caused her a lot of self defeat and as those
defeats mounted she became increasingly depressed and eventually
suicidal.
Then a loving friend trying hard to break through to her, forced a
puppy on her. Her parents had never allowed pets. The unconditional
love this dog seemed to have for her began to put sparks of color into
her formerly gray life. Later that same friend, along with another,
cajoled her into seeing a very loving therapist.
She soon was aware of the very negative way she was brought up that
programmed her to think of herself as sinful, selfish, inadequate and
unworthy. With good therapy she fought back, beginning to re-program
her inner thinking about herself. One of the tools that helped the most
was learning self-affirmation for growing her own healthy self-love.
Chelsea is not alone. There literally are millions of people who as
they grew up heard and incorporated far too many negative messages and
far too few positive messages about themselves. Too many positive
messages without counterbalancing with accurate critiquing of what does
need improvement can be a big problem too. However, subconsciously
incorporating copious negatives seems to be much more common in many
parts of the world.
There also is the problem of indifference where a child hears neither
negative nor positive messages about themselves. That can be almost as
bad as the problem of too many negatives and not enough accurate,
realistic positives. If the negatives are accompanied by a lack of
other behaviors that convey love, serious depression and other forms of
mental and emotional illness problems seem very likely to develop.
Escaping the ‘inner voices of self-criticism’ through destructive
substance addiction is thought to be especially common for those with
high negative message backgrounds.
Why Affirmation from Others Is Not Enough
Chelsea, and many like her, later did get praise, compliments, thanks
and many other positive messages about herself but she never believed
them. Each positive statement was blocked from doing any good by her
earlier training that told her things like “other people don’t really
mean what they’re saying, they are just being nice”, “they are after
something and trying to manipulate you, so watch out” and “if you let
yourself be praised, complimented, etc. you will become egotistical and
then for sure no one will want you” and “you’re in danger of being led
astray by flattery and false praise.” Not to mention “Thinking well of
yourself is the road to destruction and damnation”. Thus, all positives
coming into Chelsea were poisoned as they often are for so many.
Once a person has been taught to thoroughly dis-affirm themselves,
other people’s positive messages about them often are nearly useless.
However, if they are lead to look at the actual evidence of what is
truly good about themselves, improvement sometimes can begin. There
always are a lot of good or positives which have been hidden from their
awareness. The process of learning self-affirmation for the development
of self-love can greatly hurry the achievement of healthy, accurate
self opinion.
Once the natural process of growing healthy self-love gets started or
re-started, it can accelerate. When that happens the wonders of
healthy self-love can be achieved and everybody benefits.
How to Self Affirm for Healthy, Self-Love Development
There are many good programs for self-affirmation. Here is an
outline that has worked well for a large number of my clients who’ve
needed self-affirmation.
Usually I adapted it somewhat to fit the individual, so feel free to
do the same for yourself. You also can weave it into other
self-affirmation systems.
SELF AFFIRMING FOR HEALTHY SELF-LOVING, A 10 POINT PROGRAM
1. Start talking back to whatever part of you
tells you not to try this program. If in your head you hear things like
“this is silly, stupid, how can this really help?, its phony, shallow,
don’t ever try because you can’t do anything right and besides you’re
hopeless, or put it off, you will do it someday but not now – talk
back. Tell that self-defeating part of you to shut up, and say it with
vigor and determination! You also might say to the naysayer within
“what you’re doing doesn’t help even if it is meant to, so learn to do
something else better, more positive.” Internal naysayers can become
yea-sayers.
2. Decide to do the following practices
wholeheartedly. After all, the negative messages in your head probably
got there with energy and emotion being expressed, so countering them
will need the same – energy and emotion. It is okay not to believe this
will work but it is not so okay to believe it will certainly fail. Be
open-minded to help your experiment not be self sabotaged by your
negative programming. Doubt and skepticism are okay later after you
really have done the exercises recommended here. It is like physical
exercise, you do not have to believe in it, you just have to do it.
3. Start making a list of 100 Good Things About
Yourself. Yes, you have at least 100. Small, medium and large, they all
count. Most everything about you can be made good use of. If you are
short, you can get to the stuff down low. If you are tall, you can get
the stuff up high. If you have been programmed to ‘not notice’ this
kind of positive (and lots of other positive things) that are true about
yourself, when you ‘do notice’, you then probably will devalue it
automatically. Whatever is true, or at least a bit true, counts so put
them on your 100 positives list. If you have a good heart (kind,
caring, empathetic, etc.) that truly is of value. 0ur planet needs more
people like you. Got a nice smile? That counts too. It is okay to
ask friends, family or whoever for some input on this, but remember, it
is about ‘your’ positives, nothing else.
There are two categories of personal value, ‘who you are’ and ‘what
you do’, also known as your ‘intrinsic value’ and your ‘extrinsic or
production value”. Many people have been programmed to only count their
production value, i.e. what they can accomplish, produce, etc.. As you
grow elderly or if you become disabled, your production value may
lessen. So long as you are alive, your intrinsic value remains.
Perhaps you can get a sense of that by meditating on the statement “all
babies are born important”. “I was born important”. “I am of value”.
Then try to ‘feel loving and to feel loved’ toward yourself, showing
yourself you are of (intrinsic) worth. Then, if you want to, ‘do’
(produce) something with those feelings, all the better.
4. Go somewhere pleasant, private, and fairly
quiet as soon as you have at least five things on your list of 100 Good
Things About Yourself. It is okay if there is pleasant but not
distracting music in the background. Then just be there for a few
minutes, doing nothing but breathing.
5. Slowly stretch, twist and pleasantly bend your
body every way you can. Then sit down and begin to breathe slowly and
deeper, at least three times. Think “I will do this exercise to the
best of my ability”, with each breath. Continue breathing slowly and
deeply, (to your own comfort level) repeating that statement. Then say
to yourself “I am doing this exercise to the best of my ability” with
each repetition take more deep, slow breaths. With firmness, you may
need to command “silence” to any and all other, interfering, or negative
thoughts which might creep in. You also can add “naysayer within, I
will listen to and deal with your thoughts later but not now. Repeat as
needed.
6. Look at your list of five or more good things
about yourself and pick one. It is best if it is a short, specific
statement. “I can intensely enjoy beautiful sunsets” would be an
example. (Anything you know how to truly appreciate is a valuable
attribute, so ‘own’ it as a part of yourself!). “I enjoy puns and that
is no joke, and it’s a good thing about me” would be another example.
7. Now, from your list, say these good things
about yourself, out loud, beginning with a firm “I am… “followed by the
good thing from your list.
Something to know, motions help change emotions. Therefore, begin to
move your arms in ways that express how you want to feel about what you
have just said. If you strongly said “I am smart”, putting a finger on
your head with a bold gesture would be an example. Whatever ‘negative’
got in your head, probably was expressed and received with certain
tones of voice, facial expressions, body posture and perhaps hand and
arm gestures.
If someone scowled at you, pointed a finger at you and in mocking
tones said “you’re so stupid”, it isn’t just the words that stuck in
your head. It is the whole picture, with sound. So it will work best,
if while you’re implanting a counterbalancing positive in your head, you
are doing it with vigorous, strong movement and sound. Looking in the
mirror while doing this can get to the facial expression part. If you
were scowled at, smile as you affirm yourself.
Talk simply and in the present tense. Declare the positive about
yourself. Sometimes it helps to add a short bit of evidence. “I’m
smart! My good grades give me strong evidence that is a truth about
me”, is an example. Each out-loud statement, done with motion, may
counterbalance or erase as many as seven negatives that came your way,
some experts suggest. It is okay to pound your fist, shout, get up and
march around, dance, jump, or anything else that helps you intensely
live your affirmation of yourself. Remember to command the naysayer
within, who may be trying to tell you this is stupid, silly, etc. to be
silent.
8. Now pick another item from your growing list
of 100 Good Things About Yourself and do the procedures just described.
As your list grows to 100, keep repeating this process with new items
from the list. Doing this exercise once a day and at the very least
once a week until you have done this exercise with at least 30 of the
self affirmations on your list, is strongly recommended for getting good
results. Many concentrate on one a day for 100 days. It is good to
repeat the ones most important to you. Also suggested, is drawing a
little:-) on a calendar for each day you do this, and not being down on
yourself if you miss a day. Just pick one tomorrow and keep going.
9. Each time, after you have done the out-loud
and strong movement part of this exercise, sit quietly for a bit. Then
read this statement to yourself. “I am doing these exercises as acts of
healthy self-love because I am important to myself, I am worthy of my
own love and, therefore, feeling good and being positive about myself,
to myself, is a worthy exercise. I am in the process of ‘owning’ all
that is good and miraculous in me. By doing these things, I am becoming
thankfully happy about who I am, and how I am me. I will strengthen
and improve myself with these truths about me.” Then close your eyes,
breathe deeply and slowly again, and meditate on what you have just read
for at least two or more minutes.
10. After doing the above exercise with 10 of the
items on your list of 100 Good Things About Yourself, add this
statement to your meditation reading. “I will love others better as I
love myself better”. Then close your eyes and meditate on how you will
make that true.
Now, go and do some of this and start noticing how it helps you feel about yourself, as you keep doing it.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question:
Do you know and live by the truth that you have to ‘do’ different, again and again, to ‘become’ different?
