Synopsis: This mini love lesson first explorers a real life example
of this false form of love’s deadly attack possibility; then answers
what is a fatal attraction; and what is a fatal attraction syndrome; is there a difference between men and women with this
syndrome; and what can be done.
A Deadly Attack
Dark was just falling and she slowly pulled her car
deep into the shadows of the overhanging trees, across the street from
her lover’s house. She looked into a large bay window where his dining
table was set for the evening meal. Her furor grew as she watched her
lover and his wife and their three children laugh and cheerfully sit
down to enjoy a time of family love together. She kept thinking “kill
the mother, kill children and he will have to turn to me.”
When she saw her lover reach over and kiss his wife on the cheek she
put the car in forward gear. His wife kissed him back and he obviously
enjoyed it. Her foot stamped down on the accelerator and she took aim
with the car. Then at full power and with insane rage she raced full
speed at the bay window. Her last thought was “Even if I kill all of us,
I will have him with me in eternity”. This is what she later related
sitting in a women’s prison convicted of attempted murder.
Due to very good house construction no one died but all sustained
serious injuries , one child crippled for life. More than a year of
family, individual and couple’s counseling brought the family through
the ordeal that followed. Expert testimony presented the perpetrator of
this tragedy as suffering from the most dangerous of all ‘false forms
of love’, that of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome. That diagnosis,
however, did not qualify her for an ‘innocent by reason of insanity
verdict’ as her lawyer’s psychiatrists recommended.
This is but one of a number of traumatic and tragic fatal attraction
cases I have dealt with in my work with the families of murdered
victims, and as an expert witness. Let me say that I also have worked
with a number of people trying to escape from being the victim of a
fatal attraction syndrome and with those suffering this affliction, and
with that perspective I can tell you – it is not easy work.
What Is A Fatal Attraction?
A fatal attraction is simply defined as an attraction that can and sometimes does lead to death. Think ‘moth to candle flame’.
The fatality may be of the one who is attracted, as in the case of
the moth. The targets of the attraction also are in danger of dying via
murder when the full, fatal attraction syndrome is at work. Sometimes
both die, as all too often happens in a murder-suicide termination of a
fatal attraction relationship. Whoever stands in the way of a person
suffering a fatal attraction syndrome, and various innocent bystanders,
also can be in serious danger of being the victims of fatal attraction
syndrome dynamics. In other words, no one dealing with a person in a
severe fatal attraction syndrome dynamic should consider themselves
safe.
What Is a Fatal Attraction Syndrome?
A fatal attraction syndrome is a fairly complicated,
false love phenomenon involving a very destructive, obsessive and
compulsive pattern of relational behavior. It begins when a person
first finds themselves, sometimes suddenly, very strongly psychosexually
attracted to another person.
Quite commonly there grows up a delusional, fantasy conviction that
the target of their attraction is, or certainly will become equally
attracted to them. The person afflicted with this syndrome then becomes
increasingly, sometimes rapidly obsessed with seeking a possessive,
controlling, intimate, exclusive, love-getting relationship with the
targeted person.
Increasingly little or nothing else matters but the growing,
consuming drive to have the targeted person become and be constantly
available, and when that person is present for them to be fully focused
on satisfying the desires of the one suffering this affliction.
This consuming drive eventually obliterates healthful, normal,
interpersonal functioning though sometimes a semblance of outward
normality superficially can be maintained. In one fashion or another
the behavior becomes more and more abnormal and extreme, and the
emotional needs of the person experiencing the syndrome become
increasingly impossible to satisfy. When that happens truly crazy
thinking mixed with horrible to experience emotions dominate and all too
frequently lead to deadly behavior.
This syndrome is a form of False Love because it is not motivated by a
desire and drive for the well being of the loved one, as is healthy,
real love. Instead, it is motivated only by a desire to get love.
People afflicted by this syndrome easily move toward harming the
supposed loved one while real love is healthfully protective of the
loved one (See “
The Definition of Love” at this site).
How Does A Fatal Attraction Syndrome Work?
No one knows for sure how fatal attraction syndrome
works because doing research on it, as you might imagine, is quite
difficult. Psycho-dynamically the thinking goes something like this. A
person encounters someone who sub-consciously reminds them very
strongly of the mother they had when they were an infant, or father they
had as a young child.
This sets off an infantile need to obtain the targeted person’s
caring attention, focused nurturance and other behaviors indicative of
love. This grows into a regressive drive to have all needs satisfied by
this one other person, which of course is impossible. Thus, this
insatiable drive becomes infuriatingly frustrated, which in turn
triggers infantile rage. Sometimes in uncontrolled fits of anger, and
sometimes in diabolical well-planned and carried out actions destruction
results.
Another theory is that there is a neuro-physiological or
neuro-chemical maladaptive occurrence in the brain which is triggered
into malfunctioning when psychosexual attraction mechanisms are
activated. It is hypothesized that this brain process may be a
primitive mechanism going slowly out of existence but once was helpful
in acquiring and retaining mating partners.
Since it so commonly is unsuccessful and so frequently results in the
death of those who cannot escape it and in the death or incarceration
of those who perpetrate this syndrome, it is speculated by some that it
could be a way to wipe out the weak. Thus, it would represent a
‘survival of the fittest’, evolution mechanism favoring those who go
about love in a more loving, adult way.
Still others think that if ‘obsessive/compulsive disorder’ brain
chemistry and ‘mate attraction’ brain chemistry mix with each other they
may make a monstrous neuro-chemical mess in a person’s brain causing
this syndrome. This especially is likely if there is the added
complication of severe ‘parent/child attachment insecurity’ in the
background of the afflicted person. All these explanations are
hypothetical, educated guesses; no one knows for sure.
What About Sexuality in a Fatal Attraction Syndrome?
Sexuality usually plays a big role in this syndrome,
but not always. Quite frequently the sexual desires of the one
experiencing the syndrome are part of the ‘need package’ they want
satisfied by the person they have fixated on. It frequently seems that
the sex desires of the afflicted grow more peculiar, then bizarre and
extreme, and finally dangerous. When the sex desires get to a level
where they cannot be satiated, violent sexuality may result. This is
where death sometimes occurs.
Does Loving a Person with This Syndrome Make a Difference?
So far the evidence available would suggest that in
the long run, even with lots of healthy, real love being showered on the
fixated person, it probably won’t have a sufficient, curative effect.
Certainly there may be cases where love has made a sufficient
difference, and that probably especially is true in the early stages of
this difficulty.
Some people who suffer from this syndrome become stalkers and in
other ways keep invading the privacy and personal lives of their
targets. They never get close enough to be loved but in the process
they can cause lots of fear and misery in their target. The love of
family and friends may help somewhat. Also putting stalkers, privacy
invaders, etc. (especially the scary, threatening ones) in prison long
enough that they may mature, seems to help some.
With other people the syndrome seems to start after a relationship
has been going for awhile, and they indeed could be loved by the one who
becomes their obsessional target. Once the syndrome takes hold, the
love given to the obsessed person becomes ‘never good enough’, ‘big
enough’ or ‘right enough’, or so it seems.
I consulted on a case that involved what seemed like a quite romantic
and erotic relationship, that was doing well for more than a year.
However, when she wanted a little more time to herself he became
compulsively domineering, insisting that her career be put aside along
with her family and her friends, and that he be the only person in her
life.
This led to a violent breakup. He then followed her, bugged her
house and all sorts of similar invasive things. Physically violent
fights erupted in public. Restraining orders, and injunctions, arrests
and other legal and police actions only seemed to make it worse. It
ended when he smashed down her front door with an ax, and then smashed
through the bathroom in which she was hiding, and at the last possible
second she brought out the gun the police had advised her to carry, and
when he still raised the ax and advanced on her she shot him through the
heart, killing him instantly.
Is There a Difference between Men and Women with This Syndrome?
No, there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference.
Both men and women are susceptible to becoming dominated by fatal
attraction syndrome. Some people think that females who had more
difficulty being loved by their fathers and males by their mothers
experience this syndrome, but no one knows that I’m aware of. One group
that some people think is less susceptible to being afflicted by this
syndrome are those who seem to be fairly strongly bisexual. Another
resistant group is made up of both the men and women who become
strongly, healthfully self-loving.
What can be done?
For those men and women who suspect they may be in
the destructive throes of this syndrome, seek therapy with a
psychotherapist who is experienced and works deeply and powerfully. If
medicines are prescribed, take them. If hospitalization is recommended,
go. This is a serious condition that all too often only gets worse
without help.
For the friends and family of people they think might be caught up in
a Fatal Attraction Syndrome get them to therapy. If they are violently
acting out already, get the police involved. Then love them a lot, and
if requested to go to family therapy to help also.
For those who are targeted, if you are being stalked or if you are
experiencing other invasions like your computer being hacked or phone
being tapped, seek the aid of police and possibly an attorney, then go
to counseling for yourself. Also take lots of safety precautions like
double locking doors and windows and obtaining a good burglar alarm. As
much as possible be with people who can protect you.
If things are going from bad to worse, in spite of those safety
actions, I’m sorry to advise doing what so many end up having to do to
save their lives. That is disappear. Many people only have survived
this severe syndrome by moving to another city, out-of-state or even out
of the country.
A fatal attraction syndrome can involve incredibly powerful
obsessions and compulsions, and in an especially bright person can be
extremely difficult to escape.
I’m aware of a case in which he searched
for her for three years and found her in another nation, forced her to
put on scuba equipment, took her down deep in a lake, tied her to a
sunken log, cut off her air supply, tied himself to a log and cut his
own throat, so they died together in the only peaceful place he had ever
known.
I’m also aware of a woman who after eight years found her targeted
person and managed to secretly poison him, though he did survive and
she’s in prison now, still writing him passionate letters. The extremes
to which fatal attraction syndrome afflicted people sometimes go can be
both intensely frightening and quite astonishing.
For everyone else, watch out for people who are overtly domineering,
perfectionistic and controlling, covertly needy and insecure,
obsessional, compulsive, idealistic about romance, have few or no true
close friends, are sometimes violent and have outbreaks of rage, who are
actively substance addicted, false love addicted, are easily jealous,
can’t hear criticism or negatives about themselves, and who were likely
either ignored a lot or suffocatingly parented.
Again, arming yourself with real, love knowledge in order to identify
false love behaviors and syndromes is self-loving protection and could
save your life. Good luck and beware.
As always – Go and Grow in Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question Do you love yourself
enough to stay away from a person who might seem to be prone to fatal
attraction syndrome, even though otherwise they seem to offer you
everything you ever wanted in a love relationship? If you suspect you
may be afflicted with this syndrome do you love yourself enough to
immediately go get deep, strong help from a loving but powerful
therapist?
