Listening With Love - Are You Good At It?

Synopsis: This is both a mini-love-lesson and a Rating Test which aims to get you to attend to 12 important points concerning becoming a really good at listening with love; and you can use it to rate yourself, as to your love listening skills.

Rate Yourself

Listening well to those you love is one of the best ways to demonstrate that you love, care and value them.  Sometimes one of the most important ways to feel that you are loved is to experience someone who loves you doing a really good job of listening to you.  But what really constitutes good, love-filled listening?  To find out take this 12 item test, rating yourself as you go.  Each item will help you know a major way you can nourish and help improve any and all love relationships through being good at listening with loving.

Test Instructions

Carefully read each of the following tests questions.  Each question mentions one of the factors associated with quality listening with love.  As you read try seriously to think about how well you do what the test statement refers to when you are talking face-to-face with someone you love.  Then with each question look at answers A through F, and pick the one that comes closest to what you think accurately rates you on how well you listen.  Record each of your answers so you can come back later and tally your score.  Instructions for tallying your score will be given at the end of the test, along with interpretations.

Listening With Love – A Test

1. When talking with a loved one, you say fewer words than they do.
(A) Almost always (B) Frequently ( C ) Half the time (D) Seldom (E) Almost never (F) Don’t know

2. When listening to a loved one, you silence your own mind and what it is telling you to say next, so that you can attend to what they are saying more fully.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom (E) Almost never (F) Don’t know

3. You can repeat back to a loved one what they have just said, close to verbatim.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

4. When a loved one is talking, you repeatedly identify in your mind what the emotions your loved one is experiencing as they talk.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

5. When talking with a loved one you ask what they are feeling, so as to be sure you are in tune with their emotions, and to check out your own perceptions of their emotions.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

6. When talking with the loved one you have and convey empathetic, corresponding emotions i.e. you hurt when they hurt, you’re happy when they’re happy, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

7. You listen attentively for a loved one to fully vent, express themselves, discover and think-out their own issues, solutions, concepts and feelings before offering your own thoughts, advice, possible solutions, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

8. Your facial expressions, head movements, voice tones, gestures and posture changes consistently and repeatedly show interest, attentiveness, care and other appropriate corresponding feelings to your loved ones when they are talking.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

9. When talking with a loved one you physically touch them appropriately showing care, support, celebration, affection, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

10. When listening to a loved one you avoid listening primarily for their pauses so you can start saying what you want to say next, and while they’re talking you avoid rehearsing in your mind what you’re going to say next, plus you do not let yourself be otherwise easily distracted from giving them your full and close attention.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

11. When talking with someone you love do you do a good job of listening with your eyes, i.e. closely watching your loved one’s face and movements in order to see your loved one’s indicators of emotion, so you can be emotionally in tune with them and respond accordingly?
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

12. When talking with a loved one do you stay aware that listening well can help your loved one feel affirmed, valued and cared about, and not listening well can result in your loved one feeling devalued and less than well loved?
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

Scoring

Score 5 points for each (A), 4 points for each (B), 3 points for each ( C ), 2 points for each (D), 1 point for each (E) and zero points for each (F) – Don’t know response.

Interpretation

Scores  49 – 60  suggests someone who is a great loving listener, or someone who is overrating.

39 – 48  suggests someone who is a good loving listener who can still improve.

25 – 36  suggests someone who is a fair loving listener who can do quite a bit better with learning and practicing.

13 – 24  suggests someone who is rather poor at loving listening and probably is in need of a fair amount of improvement.

0 – 12  suggests that a very poor loving listening performance is frequently occurring and considerable work at improvement is recommended.

4, or more, zero (Don’t know) responses suggests considerable study of loving listening skills is probably highly desirable.

If you wish to rate another person on their loving listening skills you will need to alter the questions a little so they read in a way that indicates a loved one listening to you.  Then record the responses (A – F) that best indicates how you think they behave on each item.  Then tally the scores as before.
To learn more about this important skill go to the mini-love-lesson at this site titled “Listening with Love”.  You might use that entry to talk about listening skills with a loved one.

As always – Go and Grow with Love.

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Who listens to you with love the best, and have you sufficiently thanked them for that?

Related posts:

1. Listening with Love
2. Listening With Love and IN and OUT Brain Functions
3. How Smart Is Your Love? – A Test
4. Alphabet Love Test
5. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill 

Brains and Love Behavior: Oxytocin and Other Healthful Neurochemistry

Synopsis: This mini love lesson starts with a discussion of how we get better brains from love; then goes on to how love influences our brains which in turn influences our general health; how a lack of love may lead to death via your brain’s reactions; what fake love does; results from love labs; and ends with an important “take away”.

Better Brains

Love, the healthy real kind, makes your brain change.  Not only that, it apparently can make your brain change for the better in quite a few ways.  More exactly, when you receive the behaviors that tend to convey real love your brain responds by making different and more healthful neurochemistry.  That neurochemistry then makes your body respond in more healthful ways.  That in turn makes for better brain, body and often relationship functioning.

Here’s an example:  Person A, Ann, wants a hug from person B, Bob.  Ann says to Bob, “Can I have a hug?”.  Bob on hearing this request feels a bit elated and thinks, “How nice, she wants my hug”.  That little touch of elation means Bob’s brain, especially its limbic system, has responded by making certain endorphins which are flowing into Bob’s bloodstream and causing him to feel good.  That occurrence is stimulating and improving his immune mechanisms which will defend him against infection just a bit better.  Bob then hugs Ann.  As they hug she and he both enjoy what they feel which in their words means they feel a little bit more emotionally close, mutually supported and more relationally connected.  Those feelings mean that their brain’s limbic systems are processing the hug and creating a brain chemical compound called oxytocin.

Oxytocin is very important in helping people feel bonded to one another and oxytocin also helps in some other biological functioning.  Thus, the simple act of asking for and getting a hug has caused both Ann and Bob’s brains to positively process love conveying behaviors, make doses of health assisting neurochemical compounds which then flow through their blood streams assisting their biological functioning and at the same time strengthening their relationship with one another. If Ann and Bob do that sort of thing with each another, along with other love conveying actions, on an everyday basis they likely will have better functioning brains, healthier bodies and a strengthened relationship.

If they seldom do those types of love conveying behaviors their brains, their bodies and the relationship will miss out on those biologically and psychologically positive influences.  They then will be less than they could have been.  If their love conveying interactions are too sparse they may come to suffer from psycho-neurophysiological love malnutrition which could destroy the relationship.  These dynamics are what a large and growing body of  brain and behavioral research is pointing to and is helping us to better understand the phenomenon of love.

Brains and Love Making Health

In social psychology certain major groups of behaviors have been discovered which tend to convey love and, therefore, trigger the brain into making its limbic system love responses.  Each of these groups of behavior is thought to be linked to different biological, health improving benefits.  What is thought to happen is that the brain influenced by receiving love conveying behaviors makes a variety of healthful, neurochemical compounds which flow into the brain’s bloodstream and then into the biological body, causing all sorts of things like lowered bad cholesterol, improved blood pressure, increased cancer fighting T cells and a host of other healthful reactions.

Many of these brain and body reactions to love behaviors have do with lowered anxiety, decreased depression, along with increased mental functioning and greater happiness.  So, if someone is actively and behaviorally sending you healthy, real love and you are good at receiving that love, the love is likely to be making you both physically and psychologically healthier.  That is what recent brain and behavioral research is pointing to.

No Love, No Life?

Do you know how in the early 1900’s the “germ theory” and the need for tough soldiers helped kill 98% of infants left in orphanages?  Can you guess?  Well it worked like this.  It was thought the germ theory dictated that the less infants were touched and directly dealt with, the more they would not catch various diseases going around.  The social theory of the time held that loving on babies would make them spoiled and grow up weak and, therefore, they would not be fit to become good, brave, strong soldiers who might be needed to defend the country.

Consequently newborn infants in orphanages received quick, efficient care and were left alone a lot.  They mysteriously died by the thousands all over the Western world before they reached the age of two.  They died of marasmus and failure to thrive illness.  Those that did manage to stay alive tended to be damaged and dysfunctional.  It was not until pediatric psychiatrists discovered behaviorally loving on babies got them to stay alive.  They then started a campaign to rescind the ‘no love’ childcare policies of the time which, sad to say, still linger in some parts of the world.

Adults also die without love, but this is usually by becoming more disease susceptible, maybe more accident prone, more addictions prone and more suicidal, or so it seems the evidence indicates.

Fake Love Doesn’t Help

The various forms of false love don’t seem to do much good either.  Unfortunately, there is very little research on this sort of thing, but some clinical evidence and thinking suggests that false love will either do no good or actually will do harm to the health and well-being of people.  It is argued that false love may not effect brains in the same way as real love.  This makes logical sense.  When love actions are fake, false or insufficient a fair percentage of people seem to sense this and react with apprehension, defensiveness or withdrawal.  Some may just figure it out and retreat from fake-filled relationships.  It is to be expected that various forms of false love would lead to weak, sparse and inconsistent demonstrations of love.  From that can come more relationship dissonance, increased stress, psychological pain and dissatisfaction resulting in hurtful and harmful breakups.

Some have hypothesized that false love could be neuro-electrically sensed differently in the brain than real love might be.  That then could lead to unhealthy brain chemicals being produced and circulated causing anti-health, biological occurrences.  Some research supports the idea that this is the way it could work but, by no means, is this conclusive.  (To learn more about false loves consult this website’s False Love and Myths series).

Love in the Lab

Comparative animal psychologists discovered the same thing that the early pediatric psychiatrists discovered.  Infant monkeys, and later other higher order mammals, who did not experience the behaviors that convey love tended to die in infancy even though they were well taken care of otherwise, just like the human babies died.  Animal brain autopsies showed a lack of full brain development, poor inter-cell connections and other brain deformities.   Those animals that did stay alive were significantly dysfunctional in their ability to relate to others of their own kind and their brain functioning was markedly impaired.

Our brains seem to benefit directly and significantly from love.  Both lab animal and human brain research on those who receive loving touch, looks, sounds, etc. have better developed and better functioning brains, more broad branched brain cell networks, better brain responsiveness and better general cognitive functioning.  If you want to know more about these things you might want to consult these books: The Brain in Love, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life both by Dr. Daniel Amen; The Compassionate Brain by Gerald Hüther; The Neuroscience of Human Relationships by Louis Cozolino; and The Emotional Brain by Joseph Ledoux.

The Take Away

The suggested ‘take away’ from this mini love lesson is as follows.  If you want those you love to be psychologically and physically healthy and if you want your love relationship with those you love to be strong and lasting, learn and consistently practice the behaviors that convey healthy, real love.  To help you do that, study the mini-love-lessons listed under “Behaviors” in the subject index at this website, read Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, read my book Recovering Love, and if you run into love relationship problems try to find a loving and love-knowledgeable counselor, or therapist or personal coach.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
When someone shows you an action that may convey their love for you, how good are you at receiving it, absorbing it and fully feeling that demonstration of love?

Related posts:

1. Parenting Series: Love Motivating Your Child (& Every One) Toward Good Behavior
2. What About a Scientific Definition of Love?
3. Living Well via Loving Well
4. Listening With Love and IN and OUT Brain Functions
5. A Behavioral (Operational) Definition of Love 

Requesting Not Expecting - A Love Skill

Synopsis: We begin with the unsaid thoughts and how they affect love relationships; then look at requesting fears; requesting as a gift; the failure of expectations; and the ‘cure actions’ that really work.

Unsaid Thoughts

“I leave him love notes but he never does that for me”, “Why do I have to always be the one who initiates lovemaking”, “I keep hinting that he could bring me flowers but he never gets it”, “I don’t know why she’s never happy when my friends come over to watch football but I wish she would be”, “When something is wrong I wish he would stop trying to fix it by giving me advice and instead just show me some care.  Why doesn’t he do that”.

Why are the people who are saying these things not getting what they want?

To each of these people one could ask, “Have you directly asked him or her to do what you want?”.  It is amazing what the variety of responses to this type question are,  “I shouldn’t have to ask, he (or she) is supposed to know”, “I have griped and complained about it, isn’t that enough”, “I keep expecting he (or she) will figure it out”, “I don’t know why I suffer in silence but I do”, “It’s just not fair”, “If he (or she) really loves me they would know what to do, wouldn’t they”, “It spoils it if I have to ask.”  All of these replies mean that the true answer to the question is “NO!  I haven’t actually, directly and clearly asked for what I want.”

Requesting Fears

Lots of people have lots of different fears concerning making direct requests.  Some people are afraid that their requests will sound like, or be taken as, a controlling demand or command.  Others fear they will sound too selfish.  Still others have an apprehension that they will hear a personal rejection in the reply they get.  There are people who don’t have enough healthy self-love to think that they are worthy enough or have the right to make direct requests   A fair number of people grew up in homes and cultural spheres where it was considered rude, immodest or improper to make a direct personal request.  Then there are those who feel that to make a clear, direct requests is unsafe because it exposes something that is true about themselves, therefore, it may make them vulnerable to harm or manipulation.

Some people fear that directly and clearly asking for what they want will take some of the mystery and romance out of the relationship.  What I find is that directly ‘asking for what you want’ takes out of the relationship many of the misunderstandings that trigger fights and hurtful disappointments.  If you rely on expectations, expect to be disappointed because that’s what usually happens.  Instead be brave enough to ask for what you want and you might get it.

The Gift of Requesting

Requesting something personal of someone can be a gift because it tells a person that they have something you find desirable and perhaps commendable.  Therefore, it shows you value them. That can be and often is taken as a compliment.

When you tell someone what you want in a clear and direct manner you give them a gift of knowing something personal and real about yourself.  You have self-disclosed a desire and in doing so you have shared a small bit of yourself.  It also shows you have been brave enough to give them the chance to accommodate or reject your request, thus, giving them a position of importance.  The simple act of requesting things like “Can I have a hug”, Let’s get together and talk”, I want to take you to the movies”, “I would like to spend more time with you, just you” or anything else you truly and personally want with or from a person, presents the person you are talking to with a revealing bit of data about yourself.

The gift of Self-disclosure also occurs when you ask for help like when you say something like “I really don’t know how to do this could you help me with it”.  Even more revealing are saying things like “I really long for your praise and compliments, would you tell me that you love me more often”, “I want to make mad, passionate love with you and I hope you want the same with me”.  Each request helps you go a little bit more ‘psychologically naked’ with the person you are making the request of.

The Failure of Expectations

It is important to know that if you are talking accurately you have a better chance of getting what you want, than if you are talking in ‘fuzzy’ ways that are open to multiple understandings, or in ways that can be fairly easily misunderstood and misinterpreted. Unfortunately a very high percentage of personal communication is much more easily misunderstood and misinterpreted than most people realize.  Expectations are particularly prone to being mis-communicated.  In couples counseling I’ve heard people say “I know what I mean, why don’t you”?  Perhaps it is because they have not said what they want as a clear and direct request.

Research suggests that when people have an expectation, or something they identify as an expectation, they do less about it and say less about it than if they identify it as a want or a desire. Thus, when you desire something called an expectation or when you have an expectation you are likely to insufficiently communicate about it in an insufficiently active way which inhibits achieving it.  After all, it was something you ‘expected’ so why should you say anything or do anything about it?

Expectation means you are counting on it, and you think it will or should happen. Subconsciously this erroneously means that you don’t have to do anything about it and you subconsciously think that other people will have the same understanding as you do, and that they also think it will or should happen.  This leads to no one being responsible for making something happen, and then in many circles everyone is blaming someone else for it not happening.  “I expected you to take me out on my birthday, and all you did is get me a card and flowers.”, “You had to know I was counting on you to show up on time, and you didn’t even go to the trouble to find out what time you should be there”, “You must have meant to insult me, because surely you knew you were supposed to ask me to dance first.”

These are but a few examples of people relying on expectations instead of making requests for what they want.  Here are a few more that are a bit more serious.  “I was counting on you to take care of the contraception thing, and now you tell me you were counting on me.”  “I absolutely thought you knew I loved you, and you just weren’t interested.”  What do you mean you didn’t bring our passports, isn’t that the man’s job. My father always did.”

The Cure

There is an old teaching that goes something like this: Expect nothing, Want everything, and Clearly ask for what you want, or Get it yourself because that’s your best chance of having it.  Especially is this true in love relationships; making clear requests about everything you want: small, medium and large, enhances communication, cooperation, team work, collaboration, mutual understanding and closeness.

If you are not used to asking for what you want directly and clearly, start practicing.  You can ask people what they heard you request to see if they really understood it.  You may get surprised at the answers you get.  Are you dependent on other people ‘reading your mind’, having a crystal ball or magically just knowing what you expect or desire of them? Do you blame them when they don’t get it right?

Let me suggest there are two places it is really best for you to know that you have to ask for what you want rather exactly.  One is in a restaurant and the other is in a love relationship.  Consider the woman who after 10 years of getting wimpy, wispy, little, quick kisses finally said, “I want hard, passionate, long, French kisses” and right away she began to get them.  All she had to do was ask.  Now, you may not always get what you want but you have a much better chance when you request in a direct and clear way.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Do you want to unknowingly go uninformed and be in the dark about what other people expect or want of you?

Related posts:

1. Gratitude As a Love Skill
2. Dining with Heart – A Love Skill
3. Checking It Out – As a Love Skill
4. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
5. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill 

Empathy - A Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson starts with Katrina’s enlightening complaint; then goes on to explain empathy; empathy and love; empathy in erotic intimacy; and ends with a discussion of what it takes to be love empathetic.

Katrina’s Enlightening Complaint

“Dammit, stop giving me advice! For once try to feel what I feel instead of trying to fix my problem, or fix me!” Katrina shouted this at her lover, Kevin.

Kevin was speechless but looked hurt and quite confused. After a bit he managed to stammer, “I don’t know what you mean. I thought you wanted my help”.

Katrina replied, “I do, but the way to help me is to give me your empathy not your advice”.
Frustrated and dejected Kevin responded with, “I guess I really don’t know what that is or how to do it. I thought giving you solutions and advice are what you wanted and that showed I care.”
With a sigh Katrina then said, “That sort of helps but it does it very poorly. I don’t want what comes out of your head, I want what comes out of your heart! I want your heartfelt feelings. That is the medicine that helps.”

Kevin looked baffled. Katrina sighed again and said “Listen closely. Empathy means to feel the same type of feeling I’m feeling, and to do it with me. If I’m sad, be sad that I’m sad, and do it with me; if I’m angry at someone be angry at them at least a little also. If I’m happy be happy with me and for me. When you see or hear me have a feeling imagine you’re in my shoes having that same feeling and feel it too, or at least have some very similar feeling and show it on your face, and in your tone of voice and in what you say. If you don’t do that it feels like you’re indifferent to me or only sympathizing with me, or maybe having pity for me and you aren’t really connected to me.

“Especially when I’m hurt or upset, but also when I’m joyful, I want to feel our love connection and it is empathy that makes that happen, not ideas. Go into your heart and figure out, or remember when you felt the feelings I’m having, and have some of them again. That gives you a heartfelt understanding instead of a mental understanding of what I’m experiencing, and it shows me you really are with me and I’m not alone. When you do that it helps enormously and it makes me feel close to you and like we’re bonded together in real love.”

Kevin then tentatively but with a caring tone of voice said, “Right now you’re struggling to be patient with me, and under that you have some hurt that I haven’t understood. And because of that hurt you got angry with me or maybe just frustrated?”

Katrina then threw her arms around Kevin and gave him my great big kiss and proclaimed, “Wow! That’s it. You got it! That was wonderful! It is the most empathetic thing I’ve ever heard you say and it really touched my heart. You do understand don’t you?

Kevin replied, I’m at least starting to understand and I’ll keep working on it.”

Empathy Explained

Empathy, as used here, means that you emotionally understand and share another’s emotional feelings and sometimes also their experiences, perceptions and psychological personal processes. Empathy is the ability to share someone else’s emotions or have corresponding emotions similar to another’s. It implies a sense of personal involvement and personal connection which suggests that you have, to some degree, become psychologically infused with another’s feelings and that you care about their experiences.

It suggests that when another person has a strong feeling you can imagine, or fantasize, or remember your own similar feelings and you can emotively place yourself in their position – feeling what they are feeling or at least something very similar. When you empathize you have a sense of being in another’s place, along with them, feeling what they are feeling at least to some degree, sometimes quite strongly.

Personal empathy differs from personal sympathy in that the sympathy means to either have a feeling of harmonious affinity for someone or to have a sorrow for another’s suffering condition. Feeling sorry for someone can be done while feeling emotionally apart and distant from another. Personal empathy is a much more intimate, connected feeling. Sympathy is similar to and sometimes synonymous with pity.

Empathy and Love

Healthy, real love is very much about connection. Empathy demonstrates loving connection in love relationships often better than anything else. Demonstrated empathy also delivers love’s healing effects more effectively and with more impact than just about anything else in many relational situations, especially when someone has been hurt or harmed. Empathetic expression communicates that your loved one is not alone, that someone cares about them, right there and right now in whatever they are experiencing.

Loving empathy communicates to your loved one that they are highly valued and personally cared about. When empathetic love is received well it seems to stimulate all sorts of neurochemical and biological healing, enriching and energizing processes in the recipient but also to some degree in the sender of empathetic love.

Sending love by empathetic expression also is one of the most efficiently powerful ways to get love across to someone else. The facial expression of love-filled, empathetic understanding sometimes only takes a second but may make a world of difference in another person’s life. Loving empathy expressed in the tone of voice of a single word or sentence, likewise, has been known to revive, revitalize and re-motivate a person in dire straits.

Expressing empathy with a gesture or a simple touch is been known to abolish despair and despondency. Love-filled, empathetic gestures like a thumbs-up or other hand motions sometimes can create powerful, connection feelings and enormously energize a loved one’s efforts. Love-filled empathy expressed with the sounds and looks of joy also often can be tremendously encouraging and bonding in all sorts of different types of love relationships.

Empathy in Intimacy

One of the greatest joys in true ‘lovemaking’ can be having a strong, empathetic connection and experience with the person you are making love to and with. Taking joy in another’s joy and experiencing erotic ecstasy because this person you love is experiencing an erotic ecstasy can provide what seems like a magical and mystical, spiritual and oceanic connection of two souls with the universe. Empathy also can join together two truly loving people in incredible tenderness, joyous gentleness and/or in powerful passion.

What It Takes To Be Love Empathetic

Becoming empathetic and expressing empathy well first takes allowing yourself to feel your own feelings. Many people suppress or repress their emotions, emotionally distancing themselves from their own inner wisdom and guidance systems as well as from other’s, and try to live emotion free. Some allow only a few emotions, especially the emotions of power to be the only ones they value. All that gets very much in the way of being empathetically loving.

To have a good sense of what someone else is feeling takes having a good sense of what you yourself are feeling and are able to feel. Once you let yourself fully experience your own feelings, as you are born to do, you not only can get your feeling’s guidance messages but you also can go a long way to empathetically understanding the feelings of others. It helps if you consciously go to the trouble of studying emotions and what they are all about.

Reading about emotional intelligence can help quite a bit. Check out Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Daniel Coleman. Then comes learning how to identify in others what they are feeling, and being brave enough to join them there in their feelings. When someone you love is agonizing over something remember when you agonized over something, and let yourself feel that again at least to some extent. Then show in your facial expression, tones of voice, gestures, touches and statements that you are there with them in the feelings they are having. There is much more to learn about empathy.

You might want to read The Power of Empathy by Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli & Katherine Ketcham. You also may wish to read the entry on this site titled “Catharsis Empathy”.
Hopefully this mini-lesson on empathy as a powerful skill in doing healthful, real love, will get you started or get you further up the trail of being highly love-effective.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
What do you think of this old folk saying “A day without tears and laughter shared with someone you love is a day wasted”?

Related posts:

1. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
2. Connection Matching – A Love Skill
3. Growing Closeness – A Love Skill
4. Checking It Out – As a Love Skill
5. Non-Defensiveness – A Love Skill 

Respect - As a Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson starts with a discussion of the necessity of respect in love relationships; and then talks about the nature of respect in love, respect within couple’s love; what is to be respected; and ends with the benefits of respectfulness.

Necessity of Respect in Love

In adult-to-adult love, a sense of respect for whomever you love is thought to be essential if that love is to survive and thrive.

There is much evidence to suggest that when respect is lost the love or the love relationship itself will be in danger of being lost. There may be some vestiges of love that remain but without respect adult-to-adult love is not likely to grow, or motivate the connecting and enriching aspects of love. There seem to be several forms of false love in which respect may be absent (see the entries on False Love). Healthy, real love, however, is seen to generate a sense of respect and, likewise, respect is seen to generate a greater possibility of love occurring and growing in adult-to-adult relationships.

The Nature of Respect in Love

In a love relationship when we respect someone we hold them in honor, look up to them, see their attributes and qualities, have a high opinion of them and highly prize them, tend to treat them as very special and with a kind of deference, we are proud of them, speak well of them, take their wishes into account, tend to be more thankful and appreciative of their ways of being themselves and we also give importance to what they value as important.

Couple’s Love And Respect

“I think I started falling out of love with him when he kept asking me to tell lies for him. They would be the kind of untruths that made him seem to be more than he really was. You know the type, where he insists I say he caught a bigger fish than everybody else when actually he didn’t catch any fish at all. Then he wanted me to lie in ways that cheated others out of their rightful share of things. That’s when I started losing respect for him. I tried to talk to him about it but he just got mad at me and gave himself the excuse that these kinds of lies were what everyone told. Well, they weren’t lies I told. That kind of deceit just made him seem, well, smaller in my eyes. After trying to present the positives of truth-telling and getting back only negative responses, I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.” I have heard similar stories, time and time again, in the type of counseling that helps people overhaul their approach to finding, starting or trying to improve their love relationships.

“It was not so much the fact that she kept getting horribly, sloppy drunk. It was the fact she wouldn’t do anything about it like go to AA, or find a counselor, or something, anything. As she fell deeper into alcohol she seemed to get more and more hypercritically religious. Maybe she thought that was going to fix it, but it didn’t. Slowly I just wasn’t attracted to her anymore. If she didn’t respect herself enough to own up to her drinking problem then pity was about all I could feel for her”. There are many ways that people lose respect for someone they are in a love relationship with. Sometimes it has to do with abuse or neglect. Sometimes it has to do with self-abuse and self-neglect. But in every case where respect is lost the love relationship suffers.

What’s to Be Respected

In healthy, real love what is respected usually has to do with a sort of ‘character strengths factor’. This is an internal thing like courage or kindness in one’s approach to others and to life itself. Things like integrity and steadfastness, being trustworthy and honorable, deeply caring and being passionate about a cause can rank high in garnering respect. Loyalty and a sense of honor along with an adherence to one’s own ethics also count for a lot. Talents, competencies and abilities can amass considerable respect also. However, external type factors like wealth acquirement, possession of status symbols and the defeat of others in various forms of conflict tend not to work when it comes to the respect that goes with deep and lasting love.

External factors like those may attract more envy, jealousy and hostility than respect. Having a passionate appreciation of beauty, nature, life, the rights of others, spirituality, benevolence, health and well being are what get strong respect with quality lovers. Being able to love well, love much and be lovable may be the most important factors when it comes to respect.

Respectfulness And Its Relational Benefits

Once you have a sense of respect for someone you love, it is important to add being able to demonstrate and convey that respect. Showing that you respect a person’s qualities and ways of being themselves helps to reward them for those qualities, which may cause them to increase and grow those qualities and other qualities too. Showing your respect also usually has a bonding influence which draws you closer together emotionally. Communicating to someone you love about what you respect in them also tends to help them focus on what they respect in you and others.

Hopefully this little discussion of ‘respect as a love skill’ will help you hone your own ability to sense respect and show it to those you love. There is a lot more you can learn about respect and love. To do some of that, check out the entries “Catharsis Empathy As a Love Skill” and discussions about “Affirmational Love”.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Think of someone you love and what you respect about them. Now will you tell them or send them a written message that conveys that respect today?

Related posts:

1. Growing Closeness – A Love Skill
2. Talking to Feelings First, Then Topics – A Love Skill
3. Checking It Out – As a Love Skill
4. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill
5. Gratitude – As a Love Skill