What is LOVE, Dr. Cookerly?: sex

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What about "Bi" Love?

Synopsis: Betty’s Bi Love dilemma; can a Bi be happily well loved?; what is Bi exactly?; where does Bi come from?; Bi or gay?, more Bi males or females?; can you become Bi; Bi’s and marriage?; are you ready for a more Bi world?; can Bi love be healthy, real love?

Betty’s ‘Bi’ Love Dilemma

“What am I to do? I am madly in love with an astonishing man but I’m also passionately, deeply in love with an absolutely wonderful woman.

Not only that but they both are incredible in bed, although really different from each other! But it’s a whole lot more than just sex, its romance and it’s being able to talk with each other and hanging out, it’s everything. I so want them both, and I can’t give either one of them up. Do I have to choose? There are other problems though. What will my children think? Then there’s my parents and family, and I have some really conservative friends, and what about my neighbors when my lovers visit, and do I dare talk this over with my preacher? Am I headed toward disaster? Is there any way all this can work?

Both of them are starting to hint about marriage. What in the world am I going to do about that? Do I introduce them to each other and see if we can try to be some kind of threesome? As a bisexual can I be happy and well loved or am I doomed to always be in some kind of big, bad, love mess?” These and many other such questions drove Betty to seek help for her ‘Bi’ dilemma. Can you guess how she came to resolve her dilemma? Study what comes next and see if you can figure it out.

Can ‘Bi’s’ be happily well loved?

In answer to this question I have heard a ‘Bi’ say, “Yes, definitely. We, who are Bi, can be far better loved than most people because we have all the joys and everything else a male and a female lover can give. From my point of view that’s twice as good as what straight or gay people get”. I have also heard ‘Bi’s’ say things like, “For me being Bi is absolute hell because both my partners want me to pick one of them and give up the other. They’re always pulling and tugging at me and there’s just way too much drama. Every time I try to choose one I end up going back the other way. It seems endless”.

For Bi’s who can choose both loves, and continue to be chosen by both, it can be wonderful but very, very busy. Bi people with two lovers also talk of their situation being quite demanding and often exhausting. However, breakups often are rather easier because there is always the other lover already in place offering comfort and solace. Thus, there are seldom abandoned or all alone situations.
Some Bi’s live happily in a married lifestyle with one lover while frequently seeing their other lover. Quite a few seem to try living as a threesome, or each living under a different roof but getting together frequently both as twosomes but also regularly as a threesome. Various forms of open marriage are tried and there are some who secretly live in larger group marriages. It is thought quite a few Bi’s take part in polyamore affiliations.

The truth is, just like gays and heterosexuals, some live happily, some live sort of mediocre and some repeatedly are in relationship struggles and agony. I think mostly it has do with whether or not the people involved know how to do healthy, real love with one another, or not. Then there are those people who are bisexual but they cannot break out of their family and cultural heterosexual training, so they forever are battling to live “traditionally” or what gets called ‘normally’ but often that doesn’t work out well.

“Yes” is the short answer to the questions “can Bi’s live happily, well loved” and a considerable number do, especially if they learn and practice healthy, real love but it also is true that there are Bi’s that don’t.

What Is ‘Bi’ Actually?

‘Bi’ is a term relating to two different but often integrated phenomena. One has to do with sex and the other to romantic love. It might be better if there was wide usage of a term like Bi-Amore along with the word bisexual. Bi-Amore refers to a relationship which is characterized by mutual deep care, emotional intercourse and intimacy, kindness, precious interaction, shared feeling at every level, high personal valuing of one another, and joy and happiness in the well being of one another – or in a word, LOVE. Therefore, it is not so much about sex as it is about healthy, real love being given and received.

Some people, it seems, are sexually attracted to both males and females naturally. Some people naturally, romantically form a ‘couple’s type’ love relationship with people of either or both genders. There seem to be those who only will experience spousal mate love with people of one gender but find both genders sexually enjoyable. There are those who can have a close, bonded, intimate spouse-like love with one gender but they want sex with the other gender. Those who can have a spousal love with two genders but sex with only one gender also exist. The term ‘Bi’ and the word bisexual can be and is applied to all of these.

Where Does ‘Bi’ Come from?

The available scientific evidence today points to there naturally being a certain percentage of people who are ‘Bi’. This natural percentage of ‘Bi’s’ also seems to occur in quite a few species. Not only that but there are species that are heterosexual part of the time, homosexual part of the time and bisexual part of the time. Among humans some researchers suggest everyone is it least a little bit ‘Bi’. By one definition, the term bisexual is everyone who ever has had any sexual attraction feelings toward both, any male and any female. ‘Bi’, therefore, is everyone, subconsciously if not consciously – or so the thinking goes. People who have close, intimate, natural love for both males and females have been considered ‘Bi’ or Bi-Amore by some. In any case, the simple answer is all types of sexual preference, and love preferences too, probably come from nature.

Bi or Gay?

For a while it was popular in some circles for people to believe all ‘Bi’ people really were homosexual and were in denial or disguise. Recent research disagrees. The available scientific evidence says there are many species, including humans, who are born with a natural, mate-bonding proclivity to both genders.

More Bi Males or Females?

No one knows for sure but there is evidence suggesting more females than males are becoming OK with bisexual and bi-amore involvement. Perhaps they have a ‘bi’ component in their personality or genetics, or they just might be more willing to experiment with different sexual and love relationships. Then again, they just could be born more sexually flexible. Traditionally males get more anti-homosexual training than women and that may play a big role here also.

Can You Become Bi?

In some people their Bi nature seems to emerge later in life after having lived heterosexual or homosexual for many years. Some people try being Bi when they learn their spouse or lover wants them to do so. Some of them like it and keep desiring Bi experiences and some do not, while still others can ‘take it or leave it’. Naturally those who have a good first Bi experience are more prone to having other Bi experiences. Those who have bad experiences, especially two or three in a row, tend not to attempt additional Bi experiences.

It appears that a fair number of people who experience strong, intimate love for someone of their own gender and also have a lover of the opposite gender often engage in threesomes which may later change to at least occasional twosomes with both. There are quite a few who will engage in what might be called the homosexual part of being bi only when their opposite gender partner is present and participating.. To get the flavor of this listen to Blake. “I tried being Bi because I love my wife so much, and she got the most turned on being with two men, and especially watching two men ‘get it on’ with each other. She also gets turned on by women, just like me, so quite often we are sexual with other Bi couples.

When we date other couples it’s likely we will all ‘get it on’ with everybody, every which way. Neither one of us would ever do anything without the other being there too because that just wouldn’t be exciting or satisfying. I don’t think I could genuinely love or lust for another guy like she might, and I think she’s pretty much the same, so none of this is really homosexual, it’s all just part of being Bi the way we do it.”

So, the short answer here seems to be “yes” you might be able to become sort of semi-Bi if you wanted to and tried hard enough. However, probably for the majority of Bi’s their Bi-ness has a natural, genetic basis.

What about Bi’s and Marriage?

Listen to Smitty who said, “I was so happy to find out my wife was bisexual. I’m one of those guys who just has to have sex with other women. So years ago Kate, my wife, and I went looking for other females, and since then we’ve been sharing sex with several, and with one it’s grown into a real, lasting, love relationship”. And listen to Molly. “Like a lot of other bisexuals I know, I live in what outwardly looks like a traditional marriage but secretly it’s not traditional at all. I got into having sex with both males and females in college and it just sort of continued that way. It works great with my husband, and it seems to work pretty good for our Bi couple friends too”.

It appears that especially a lot of younger Bi people live outside legal marriage but inside psychological marriage. There are some who seem to be legally married to one person but in a love sense psychologically are married to another. Some, of course, have a lot of trouble with marriage especially when their spouse cannot accept their Bi-ness; while others sort of are mixed about it, and still others do fine. So, the brief answer is “yes” bisexuals can be happily married, but there’s no guarantee.

Are You Ready for a More Bi World?

Bi-sexuality and Bi-love relationships either are on the rise, or more are coming out into the light of the world, according to some who study this sort of thing. Some marriage counselors report hearing more couples revealing Bi desires or affairs. Some family therapists talk about family counseling in which a family member talks about their Bi relationships. More people, both male and female, in individual therapy seem to be wondering about their own sexual preferences – one of which is being Bi. College counselors are running into more Bi relationship issues, especially among female students.

Being Bi is easier to disguise because half of it is very heterosexual, but as homosexuality becomes more acceptable so does being Bi. Consequently bi-sexuality may show up more in general awareness. We have to look at the fact that much of the world is very couple oriented and not at all designed for open Bi-ness. What this will mean for our societal and cultural future is an issue just beginning to be pondered.

Can Bi Love Be Healthy, Real Love?

Alice said, “We just celebrated our 30 years together, 25 of which have been spent living Bi. We’ve raised our kids and they are healthy, productive, happy, young adults. Bob said, “We run a successful business together, travel around the world, have donated thousands of hours and dollars to worthy charities, and by every way you can think of have been successful; not that we haven’t had some problems but we’ve overcome them as three loving people working together.” Carol said, “We are so caring, and so close, and so in love with each other that I don’t think it could be better.” Alice, Bob and Carol answered the question, can bi love be healthy, real love with a resounding “Yes”. There, of course, are others who would answered with a resounding “No”, it didn’t work for them (just like is true in all forms of love relating). So, what do you think?

Remember Betty and her dilemma from the first paragraph. She resolved her dilemma in a somewhat unexpected way. She summed it up saying, “About 2 months into counseling I realized I actually just was infatuated with both my lovers. It wasn’t real love, it was a kind of false love. Now I’m in a pretty traditional, heterosexual relationship, full of healthy, real love. It’s so different than infatuation. There’s more kindness, deep communication, delightful compatibility, and the tender, precious feelings are so plentiful. Well, as you can see, Bi’s like everyone else can be deceived by false forms of love and Betty’s resolution is another way things can turn out.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
How do you want to see yourself respond to someone who’s very personable, admirable, attractive and inviting you into a Bi experience?

Virginity Surpassed and Parental Love

Synopsis: A daughter’s startling declaration and loving request; Parent readiness; Big questions; A different example; Handling it all with the power of love.

“Mother, father, I would like you to just sit and really work at hearing me with love because I have what I think is a good thing to share with you.

Last night I did something really special. I surpassed my virginity. That’s what my group calls it instead of seeing it as something lost.”

This shy and gently stated declaration came from a beautiful, super smart, nearly perfect, not quite 17-year-old daughter, as her mother reported it. She continued, “At first neither my husband nor I understood so my daughter repeated herself, ‘Surpassed my virginity, not lost my virginity’. Suddenly I was flooded with cascading, conflicting and confusing emotions washing over me – chaos, disbelief, shock, fear, sadness, empathy, guilt, worry, and a strange sense of pride that she was able to tell us this startling fact.

"Then I heard my husband stammering, ‘What the hell! You mean you’ve already had…, already …, you mean …, you’re telling me, my little girl’s not a virgin anymore? Is that what you mean?’ Our daughter calmly and kindly replied, ‘Yes, Daddy, and we did it the safe way with a condom and spermicide, and we did it with lots of love so I want you to be happy for me’."

This mother admitted her next words were a tearful, “But you’re only 16." Her daughter’s well researched response was, “Mom, do you know around the world 16 is the average age where most girls ‘surpass their virginity’ so I’m just being normal. Please don’t cry unless those are tears of happiness for me. It was a really good experience and besides I think I’m the last girl in my group to do this.”

She said her husband, somewhat angrily, replied, “That doesn’t make it right, safe, healthy, or good. Their daughter’s further response was, “Daddy did you know that in ancient Egypt, whose civilization lasted longer than anybody else’s and whose family life stability was legendary, girls commonly surpassed their virginity between the ages of 12 and 14 and were married by 15. Not only that but sometimes marriage was to one of their brothers”.

“That’s not what we are talking about,” was this frustrated father’s reply. This mom reported she then said, “Well, Sweetheart, you have shocked and amazed us, and you are going to have to give your father and I some time to process this because we certainly weren’t ready for it, like we probably should have been. I do want to thank you for telling us and not keeping it secret like we had to do when we were growing up. Let’s take a break while you’re father and I talk and then we’ll all talk some more”.

Their daughter replied in a very adult and kind tone, “I know this is hard for you given the way you were brought up so, yes, let’s take a break but first can we all hug?” She said they did hug and they said they loved each other; then she and her husband shared their confusion and many different feelings. All this is what the mother of a rather precocious adolescent reported to me in a quickly scheduled parent/guidance counseling session before asking, “Now what do we do?”.

Well, dear parents, are you ready for the day you find out an offspring of yours has “surpassed their virginity”? Do you think you will be able to handle it with wisdom and love? Maybe you will try to stay in denial and act like it hasn’t happened. If that is so it may lead your youngster to feel and think that they shouldn’t or can’t share this kind of big, important fact with you. If that’s the case they perhaps will try to handle the health, relational and psychological issues without your input, support and guidance. Please consider that.

Perhaps you feel sure your teenagers will stay virginal until after marriage, and they may. However, the majority of adolescents in a majority of cultures around the world do not. As you probably know all around our planet both biology and modern world, cultural influences seem to be pressing youth toward becoming sexually interactive in middle or younger adolescence. I think it is wise for parents not to be in denial and to prepare ahead of time for dealing with this bio-social ‘pressure’.

Let’s look at this: Concerning sex, especially virginity, do you have different hopes and standards for the males and females you are raising? I have counseled no small number of parents, mostly fathers but some mothers also, who are secretly or openly proud of their sons but upset with their daughters when they first start having sex. In this day and age ‘double standards’ more and more lead to destructive family conflict. This especially seems to be a hard problem for families moving into the modern, westernized world from other cultures. It also frequently is a devastating difficulty for religious conservative parents of many faiths who find their offspring gravitating toward more contemporary, secularly influenced lifestyles.

The big question for parents, from this family therapist’s point of view, is this. Are you going to deal with the ‘surpassing virginity’ issue with sufficient healthy, real love? No matter what your belief system is regarding ethics, morals, mores, propriety, etc., I suggest a powerful love-centered approach will work best. From my experience with so many parents discovering that their offspring have become sexually interactive, ‘well expressed love’ is the primary thing that makes the outcome constructive. Without love your mind seems closed and destructive dissonance grows. Anger, condemnation, guilt tripping, manipulation, disgust, rejection, control efforts, abandonment, expulsion, lack of care, being overly nonchalant and indulgent, punishment, reasoning without compassion, hyper-religiosity etc. usually lead to far less than desirable results.

Let me suggest that the parents who handle this issue best are also the ones who, with love and some study, prepare for it ahead of time. Some years ago I worked with a couple who was attempting to deal with this issue responsibly and sanely. They talked with each other saying, “It is likely our children will become sexually active in their teenage years, because we did, and that’s the way the world seems to work these days. So, how do we want to prepare for that?”

After some research they decided to follow a parenting approach popular in certain circles in northern Europe, parts of South America and very recently urban China. They gave their children a far better than average sex education involving not only the biology but also the psychology of sexuality. There were those in their extended family who said they were just setting up their children for promiscuity and tragedy, but they rejected that after looking at the good results data from various other countries.

When their youngsters were in their early adolescence they openly discussed how and when they might choose to enter into sexual relations. Each of their children became able to talk quite frankly about all this with their parents. Both their boys and girls chose ages later than their parents had worried they would. Healthy self-love and others were a major focus in their discussions. When older each of their offspring carried out their plans similar to those they had designed with reasoned modifications when needed. A loving acceptance and even a family celebratory atmosphere prevailed as the plans came to fruition.

Recently I learned that their children, who are now entering adulthood, plan to do much the same thing when they have children because the results have been far better than the bad and chaotic experiences of many others. No one got pregnant, no one got any sexually transmitted diseases and no one experienced any great emotional upheaval. All of them agree that because love was made so much more important than sex the sexual issues got dealt with quite fully and constructively.

It is important to know that following this pattern might not lead to such good results for you.
Because of all sorts of individual differences and possible other intervening variables disasters might yet occur. There are no guarantees but the above example is, at least, a different example than many parents have been exposed to. I suggest you study many examples and possible ways to go about facing this issue. Then as parents you might want to make your plans regarding ‘virginity surpassed’, preferably with a ‘ big, powerful, love focus’ as a big part of them.

For a start on these deliberations let me remind you what that fellow we call Paul said about love over 2000 years ago: Love is patient, kind, not jealous, overbearing, arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way, is not mean-spirited or resentful, and love bears all things, for real love never ends.

As always Grow and Go with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love success question How similar or different from your parents do you want to be concerning your dealing lovingly with your children’s sexuality?

Sexual Love Laces

Synopsis: Exquisite love with sex; Opposing laces; Why so many problems; Understanding your black and white lace issues; Mutuality; The couple who did it well; The rainbow way.

To love someone with, through and via your sexuality can be a wonderful thing.

To love someone else’s sexuality along with all their other ways of being the unique creation that they are can be a marvelous thing. To mix love with sex and sex with love can be a great, good thing in your life. To love your beloved in your own sexual way and in their own special ways and have them do the same with you can be an astonishing thing. To mutually discover, grow, share and experience the unique ways two individuals intertwine their love-filled, sexual natures can be awesome and miraculous. Love with sex is an exquisite potential.

Sam and Sandra said they used to have a"black lace" versus "white lace" sex problem. None-the-less they also said with considerable pride that they really worked to put lots of love into both ‘laces’ and by doing so solved their problem, and then they went way beyond mere solution to outstanding success. To understand Sam’s black lace approach to sexuality think: scarlet masks, fur-lined handcuffs, little soft whips, dark dildos, vermillion vibrators and a great deal of extremely revealing black leather garb. To understand Sandra’s white lace sexual ways think: great big soft pillows, books of mildly erotic beautiful love poetry, mellow candlelight, scented oils and powders for gentle massage, fluffy white feathers and long flowing lingerie in off white and light pastel colors. To understand their love think of two people saying to each other “because I love you so much I’ll fully try it your way if you’ll fully try it my way”.

But wait! Why is it that so many people don’t solve their "black lace’ versus "white lace" sex problems like Sam and Sandra did? Why do so many not discover the available ways to create for themselves the many varied, sex and love joys available? Part of the answer can come from a little deeper understanding of both ‘black lace’ and ‘white lace’ approaches to sexuality.

Black lace sex So many people never get over being taught sex is bad, nasty, dirty, filthy, sinful, evil and worse. However, there are a large number of people who were so taught that do get into sexuality extensively. Frequently they subconsciously carry with them what they have been taught. Their approach to sexuality then becomes one of intense, secret pleasures of seemingly nasty, dirty, bad and supposedly sinful sex. From a health professional’s point of view that can be quite fine, with several caveats. So-called dirty sex can be just great if that’s all there is and nothing truly unsafe or unhealthful is being done, and so long as it is not followed by lots of anguished self torturing guilt, remorse, self negation or negation of another, or alienation from others.

From a health professional’s point of view sex essentially is a very naturally healthy thing to do and sometimes attitudinally doing it with an excitingly naughty, wanton, uninhibited mind-set can be a very healthy activity. People who punish themselves for having had ‘black lace’ sex usually don’t reduce its occurrence. Usually they just get trapped in a cycle of doing it, then feeling bad, relieved by punishment. That then sets them free to do it again and so they are locked in an endless cycle. People with a healthier mind-set about "black lace" sex just enjoy it and see it as one of many ways to be sexual.

White lace sex No small number of people were brought up with at least some elements of the teaching that says sex must be done only in purity, beauty, decency, innocence, and always with a sense of sacred sanctified, tasteful, sweet, tender love. This can be quite wonderful, beautiful and even highly spiritual. There is a more bland variation of this that could get called "off-white sex". This is where people are taught that their sexuality must be kept within narrow, meek, inhibited and essentially dull boundaries of simple, uninteresting purity. A problem can arise when ‘white lace’ sex is the only kind of sex a couple participates in. Both white and black lace sex just are not as broad and varied as is human nature.

Quite a few couples have struggled over whether they are going to engage in more of a "white lace" or more of a "black lace" approach to sex, or will they do both, or will they try to mix them and do what might be called gray sex. Some people are trained, programmed and socialized to think "white lace" sex is for marriage and "black lace" sex is extramarital or premarital relationships. Others desire their spouse to be exclusively all "white lace" or all "black lace" involved, though secretly they themselves are open to both. Often people only prone to the "black lace" approach see the "white lace" approach as dull, weak and far too mild. Those more comfortable with the"white lace" way frequently see "black lace" oriented people as disgusting, repulsive, harmful and even dangerous. Many a spouse has longed for the other "lace" but has been afraid to ask for what they desire fearing their love mate would condemn or reject them for wanting “that other kind of sex”.

Many couples experience a reduction of sexual interest, desire and activity because their sex lives are too narrow with only one type of "lace" or the other. Occasionally a couple tries to mix-in just a little of the other colored "lace" but this "light gray lace" sexuality usually only helps for a little while. So what can be done about all this you may ask?

Let me tell you more about Sam and Sandra who solved these difficulties quite wonderfully well. Early on Sam and Sandra decided to approach each other’s sexuality with kind, tolerant, patient but also challenging love. That facilitated both of them getting into each other’s ways of sexuality and discovering they could add the other one’s ways to their own. With lots of loving treatment of one another they both learned to enjoy both ‘white lace’ and ‘black lace’ sexuality as much as the other one did.

That mutuality worked for quite a long while. Then a day came when Sandra said to Sam, “I want to do something different sexually but I don’t know what it is. I’m just looking for something different from the ways we have been doing, which are all great but I keep thinking there’s probably more we could do and I think I’d like to explore that”. Sam responded with highly agreeable love and they both went looking for more, new and different "laces" as they called it.

A friend talked them into taking a class in Blues dancing which turned out to be extraordinarily seductive and sultry. Then they got into a class teaching hot, sexy, passionate Latin dancing. Wow, what a lot of turned-on feelings that produced. Plus, it was really different from the"‘white lace" and the "black lace" approaches they had been practicing. The Blues dancing they called "purple lace" and the Latin dancing "red lace". You can see that all sexuality does not take place in the bedroom. When they got home they danced naked or in very sexy costumes, laughed a lot, and developed the idea of having love-filled "rainbow lace" sex. Other friends got them into scuba lessons which led to underwater sex and what they call "blue lace" sex which included incredible, strange, mysterious feelings of fluidity.

Daring to take a course, they stumbled upon, that was taught by a priestess of Wicca they discovered "green lace" sex which meant experiencing each other in the woods with scents of earth and leaves and the feel of light breeze on their naked skin. Those adventures got them into feeling erotic, mystical and connected with nature simultaneously. "Gold lace" sex came when they dared to take a Tantric yoga workshop taught by a happy Sufi master and an ever so loving modern Buddhist nun. It was then that sex became a spiritual experience beyond description.

Today Sam and Sandra say they are living the "rainbow way". Sometimes they mix it all up, doing a bit of white, then black, then red then orange, then pink or mauve – well you get the idea. Both of them admit that if they hadn’t approached all this with lots of love they just would have gotten stuck like so many other couples do. It was love shown through patience, kindness, tolerance, mutual support mixed with loving challenges to each other that worked.

Loving support and gentle encouragement got them from their "black lace" versus "white lace" conflicts into the joys of their today’s happy "rainbow lace" ways of sexual living and loving. With love both are free, open and able to ask each other for any sexual thing they might desire. With love both can accept the other one saying “no”, “not now”, “not yet and maybe never” to those requests. Both have learned, as the ancients taught, “Love keeps no score of wrongs” and “the rainbow leads to the pot of gold”.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question What is your attitude towards"white lace" and "black lace" and "rainbow lace" approaches to your own sexuality?

Sex Drive Differences and Love

Synopsis: What is usual; going from differences to disastrous dysfunction; love making the difference in differences; small step sex with love; examples; sex drive differences as a good thing; and handling sexual mis-steps are all discussed in this mini-love-lesson.

What Is Usual

Everybody has a natural, inborn drive for sex. That is part of being a healthy human. Like everything else human, the strength of that drive varies from person to person. Sex drives also tend to naturally and healthfully vary in a number of other ways. Sex drive differences are normal and natural as well.

It is quite common for couples to have rather different drives for sex, urges for sex at different times, desires for different kinds of sexuality and differing turn-on’s. Not only that but the strength and frequency of sex drives tends to vary up and down over time. Sex drives also can vary according to a multitude of sundry circumstances. Furthermore, what may heighten one person’s sex desires at one time may dampen them at another time. These sex drive variations may or may not at times have no relationship to what is happening with a person’s partner.

The number of couples who are well matched and, therefore, sexually highly compatible on all these factors turns out to be minuscule. Most couples, sooner or later, have some sort of sexual compatibility problem often related to differences in their changing sex drives. No wonder so many lovers complain that their beloved wants sex more or less often, or very differently than they do.

From Sexual Drive Difference to Disastrous Dysfunction

For no small number of couples the sex drive, related differences cause serious difficulties, numerous disappointments and sometimes emotionally excruciating dysfunction. One partner who has a much stronger sex drive than the other can be a contributing factor to secret sex outside a primary love relationship, full-fledged affairs, breakups, divorce, violence, fits of depression, anxiety attacks and worse. For larger numbers of people these differences in sex drive only cause minor to medium, relational dysfunctions along with a hampering of shared happiness. But none of this need be true for couples who have a good, love-centered system for handling such difference difficulties.

How Love Can Make the Difference in Differences

Suppose your beloved wants to have sex a whole lot more often than you do. What can you do? Give in and go along? Make excuses and dodge as often as possible? Have lots of big, horrible fights? Force your beloved away with cold rejection? Run away? Get resentful and passive/aggressive? As you probably know, none of those work very well and may cause more trouble than they prevent.

Now suppose your beloved wants to have sex a whole lot less often than you do. Do you try to cajole, guilt trip, shame, beg, harass, force, seduce, argue, cause fights, tolerate, accept and sacrifice your wants, become embittered, be passive/aggressive, look for other secret sex partners, or what? Those ways also have a lot of drawbacks and ways of making things worse.

So, what to do? Let me suggest this. It is ‘love’ well expressed, probably quite frequently that is going to make progress possible when dealing with difficult, sex drive differences. It is love in words and actions that will motivate taking steps toward overcoming whatever is in the way. It is love shown compassionately that will heal wounds, relieve emotional pain and keep or retrieve emotional closeness. It is the giving and receiving of love actions, when continuously mixed with certain small sexual actions, that will fix the problem of sexual drive differences.

Now, you don’t have to believe any of this, you just have to do it – ‘experimentally’ – to find out whether or not it will work. You see, it is not a ‘true believer system’ but rather a ‘heart-centered, action system’ that has been known to work time and time again.

Small Step Sex with Love

Here is what may work best. First, meditatively center yourself in love (see the Love Centering mini-love-lesson) and ask your beloved to do the same thing. Decide that you are going to ‘come from love’ and also with truth, in how you talk and act to your beloved about these differences. Then, have a kind, loving but very truthful talk in which you listen as much as you talk. Remember, Paul who told us love is kind, not rude, love is patient, etc. (First Corinthians 13).

Next, as lovingly as possible, talk about experimenting with very, small steps in moving toward more of what each of you wants sexually. For example: If one of you wants tender kisses in intimate places, why not start to add at least a few more tender kisses near intimate places. Then do more and closer over time. If the other one wants raunchy, dirty talk why not begin to add some naughty words and statements so as to move in that direction. Then do more and more over time. Ask your beloved to be patient, and kind and anything else you want as you keep making small, experimental steps forward. Mentally open yourself to the idea this may help you increase your own enjoyment and desire, as well as helping your beloved with their desires and enjoyment. Compliment all steps toward improvement and criticize nothing.

Work to enjoy the journey. If anything seems extra difficult in any way, you probably need to divide it into smaller steps. Give and ask for praise, and thank you’s for each step attempted. When things wrong, keep going, don’t stop. Remember not to play the evil, ego game called “strike one, you’re out, and the game is over”. Add fun whenever you can but do not make derogatory fun of your beloved or of yourself.

Examples To Consider

Listen to these five sentences which were made by people solving their issues concerning sex drive differences. See if they give you ideas of what you might want to shoot for in your own sexual relationship.

“Dearest, let me try having sex with you more often, like you want, and you try doing some things I ask for that might help me get more turned-on. And let’s be sure we both do it all in good spirits and with love whether it works or not.”

“Honey, I don’t really feel like having intercourse right now but I’d be glad to snuggle next to you as you masturbate, and I’d really enjoy helping you along as you do that.”

“Sweetheart, how about we do sex the way you like and want it this time, and the way I especially like it a little later?”

“Darling, I will be glad to try role-playing having sex the way you want but actually doing it hurts too much, so the best I can do is pretend – okay?”

“I want us to have a very sweet, tender, loving, caressing, cuddling, holding couple of hours together without having sex. I want us both to ‘get into’ really enjoying all that ‘on its own’ without it having to lead to intercourse or a climax. It’s okay if we get horny but this time let’s not do anything about it. Every so often that’s what I want. Will you help me have that? Will you also try hard to enjoy it like I will? If you could do that, I’ll feel really loved by you and I’ll very much want to do it all your way soon”.

With healthy, real love there is a desire, motivating actions toward helping those you love experience what they want to experience. With healthy self-love there is a desire for healthy self-care. Sometimes these two seem to clash. However, with loving cooperation and the small steps approach, couples can help each other do at least some of both. That often leads to a synthesis type solution, or at least a sort of taking turns compromise.

Unless something is distinctly harmful or destructive, or seems likely to be so, it usually is best to attempt some of whatever your beloved sexually wants. At the same time, be sure and be asking for whatever you want. Some of that can seem scary, weird or even repugnant at first, but then with small step experiments, done with love, it can turn into new ways to have excitement and much more mutual pleasure. The rule is to avoid harm and to get into things lovingly and by way of small, sometimes very small, slow steps.

Sex Drive Differences As A Good Thing

Having sex drive differences can be a good thing when handled with enough love and with a small step, ‘experimental’ approach. Two people can softly, but clearly, put forth what they want sexually and be as open as possible to hearing what their beloved wants. Then both can experiment slowly, carefully and with small steps toward each other’s desires all of which can be done while being very loving. This is what works for a great many couples. This approach can lead to all sorts of sexual enrichment, new sexually and emotionally enjoyable experiences, new discoveries and a wider shared life experience. It is especially great when a couple works to add to each other’s experience rather than to be limiting or subtractive.

Some people mistakenly think that starting out with high, sexual compatibility and staying that way is required to have a good, couples relationship. That really is not true. Remember, you do not need a copy of yourself. It is better when you work at learning to enjoy what your beloved enjoys in every area, including sex. In that way you add to each other, grow as a couple and grow as individuals. This loving, small steps approach also helps get over sexual ignorance, sexual hang-ups, sexual fears, sexual narrowness, anti-sexual training and sexual blocks in subconscious programming.

Handling Sexual Miss- Steps

Know that some of your experimental step taking will lead to some stumbling, awkwardness, fumbling, etc.. Mis-coordination is certain to occur. Especially, each first effort at something new is not likely to work. The trick is to put some more love into it, and keep going. Try, try, try again and don’t take any of it too seriously. Doing it all with love and being love-centered is the more important thing. Making love more important, and more commonly enacted than sex, makes the sexuality improved. Making the sex more important than the love tends to make it much harder to sexually succeed.

Remember, there are two kinds of love involved. Love of your beloved and healthy self-love. Keep doing both as you keep taking small steps toward a greater, love-filled, sex life.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: Have you been learning as much about love you as you have about sex, and are you endeavoring to learn more about both?

Satan's Love Plan

A Halloween Story of a Different Sort

Synopsis: This mini allegorical love lesson starts with the story of a Satanic problem; then goes on to the devil’s success; how Satan defeated science; hobgoblin brain scrubbing; Satan’s biggest trick; and Ends with you and the satanic forces.

A Satanic Problem

Satan had a big problem. How was he going to keep love from making everybody happy, okay, and life very good? Then one of his little devils came up with a genius of an idea.

The little devil said, “Let’s make everyone get love confused with sex, and sex confused with love.” “Tell me more,” said Satan with an evil gleam in his fiery eyes. The little devil said, “If we make the word ‘sex’ too embarrassing but the word ‘love’ an okay substitute, everybody will get to thinking about sex when they hear the word love. Then everybody will forget about what real love means, and they will go get lost in sex, and will end up loveless and miserable.” “Great idea,” said Satan and he sent out his minions to confuse the world, and to get everybody neglecting love and failing in their love relationships with lots of destructive conflict and unhappy consequences – just like he wanted.

The Devils Success

Thus, it came to be that men said, “I love you” when they wanted sex. Women said, “He loves me and tells me so, and so it’s okay to make love with him” when they couldn’t admit to themselves that they wanted sex. Mothers and fathers came to secretly worry that if they loved their children too much it might mean something sexual, so they cut back on loving actions, and made countless children live love-hungry.

Friends would not say “I love you” to their best friends because it could be interpreted as wanting to have sex with their friends. Consequently friends didn’t talk about their love for one another which curtailed friendship love considerably. Lots of loving touch stopped happening because everybody thought any touch might be sexual. Consequently, everybody became touch-deprived. However, some people interpreted touch as being a sure sign of sexuality and that caused no end of embarrassing and shameful events to occur. Some of these people even got arrested and hauled before judges for committing sexual harassment.

Countless couples got married because they confused lust and love and then many later divorced. Endless books were written with the word ‘love’ in the title but they were all about sex rather than real love. Movies and TV shows followed in the book’s footsteps so just about everybody got sex and love all mixed up with each other.

How Satan Defeated Science

It probably started with schools of theology which stopped giving all but superficial attention to love, and turned to focusing on belief, faith and scaring people. That was in spite of Scripture saying “love is the greatest of all”. Pediatrics took up the idea that acting in loving ways toward your children spoiled them, and for years preached against touching, holding, rocking, cuddling, hugging and every other form of loving touch being given from parents to children.

Psychiatry came along and said “yes indeed, love really meant sex”. Psychoanalysis added the idea that love was just a word to disguise the fact that everybody wanted to have sex with one or more of their parents. Psychologists got into the act by studying two abnormal populations obsessed with sex – white, laboratory rats and college sophomores. Therefore, a little attention was given to romantic love but most of the studies concentrated on sex, and almost nobody thought much about real love.

This in spite of being bawled out for avoiding love research by one of psychology’s greatest scientists, Harry Harlow, who did manage to do love research and write the incredibly influential book Learning to Love which was about monkeys, human love still being mostly ignored. Most scientists in the life studies fields, even the human service and health fields, wanted to sound very scientific so they avoided the subject of love because it sounded too arty and like something only people over in the fuzzy thinking, humanities might talk about.

Many academics took up the idea that love was just a mechanism for procreation and survival of the fittest, or it was just too poetic or romantic or impossible to understand, or just a silly emotion or nothing but a manifestation of the mating drive, or it was too feminine or, one of the worst of a lot of bad reasons, it was too unmanly. Yes, there were some studies with findings indicating love actions were incredibly healing to all sorts of physical and mental illnesses, and love was getting some notice in fields ranging all the way from anthropology to zoology and even in strange places like behavioral economics and psychoneuroimmunology. Nevertheless, in the more established fields, love mostly was to be ignored except by rock singers.

Hobgoblin Brain Scrubbing

Satan added to his anti-love success by propagandizing everyone into thinking that love could not be known, was too confusing to understand, was best left not understood, and if anyone really studied love it might disappear or be broken down into a lot of little, dull, boring, biological and mechanical components. Then all of love’s mystery and magic would be robbed from us (never mind that every scientifically discovered fact leads to more and greater mysteries).

Everybody was sure that demythologizing love might happen, so no rational person dared touch subject of love with anything approaching good sense. In essence, for a time it was totally taboo. That brainwashing did a great job of getting the understanding of love left alone, except by artists and poets and the occasional rebel philosopher.

This worked so well that Satan’s little devils even got a US senator by the name of Proxmire to try to bar funds for love research from being granted because he was sure that if love really did exist the people of the US didn’t want to know about it. This in spite of a 50% divorce rate, and ‘love gone wrong’ arguably being the number one reason for spousal and family member murder, child abuse, suicide, drug and alcohol relapses, and a lot more of the world’s miseries – just like Satan wanted.

Satan’s Biggest Trick

Satan’s biggest trick was to have his devils convince almost everybody that although successful marriages took work, families that loved well did well, self-love was essential, and that love connects and motivates like nothing else, the little devils reinforced the idea that love must remain mysterious ‘to keep it romantic’.

Thus, keeping it unexamined and unknowable and, therefore, hiding the fact that the lack of love knowledge was a real, destructive danger. God forbid, that we should come to know how to make love work better, grow love bigger and better, get love to be more universal, learn how to avoid love failure and cure the ailments caused by false love and love deficiency. By all means, love must be kept romantically unknowable or people might get to live happy and okay.

You and Satanic Forces

In keeping with our little allegorical story we must ask, are you perhaps under the influence of “Satanic forces”? More accurately, how influenced do you think you are by the cultural programming that might divert you from coming to better understand and, therefore, succeed at love?

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Do you know a little, a fair amount, or a lot more about healthy, real love this year than you did last year, and what will your answer to this question be next year?

Pro-Love and Anti-Love Talking

Is your way of talking to your loved ones (mate, children, siblings, etc.) more pro-love or more anti-love?

Have you ever examined your habits of speech and speech style for their effect on your loved ones? Do you know the three big factors determining pro-love and anti-love talking effects?

Factor I    Love Destroyer Words versus Love Builder Words
Below you will find 25 examples of words and phrases which tend to have an anti-love effect. Following each of these is an example of a pro-love effective way to state a similar thing. Check your speech habits against these to determine if perhaps you are using love destroyer words and phrases and might need to practice a more pro-love style to have a love building effect through words and phrases.

1.    You should …
You could …
2.    You shouldn’t …
I would like you not to …
3.    You always …
I’d like that to happen less …
4.    You never …
Really soon I really would like you to …
5.    Why don’t you ever …
I want you to ………………, maybe by tomorrow if that’s OK?
6.    You’re wrong.
I see that differently.
7.    You’re lying. That’s absolutely not the way it happened.
We remember that differently.
8.    How could you have been so stupid!
In the future I really want you to do that better.
9.    Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again!
How can I help you not to do that again?
10. You’re terrible!
You can improve!
11. I hate you!
Right now I’m really mad at you.
12. You’re an idiot!
Part of me would really like to call you a lot of names right now.
13. I can’t stand you!
I’m having trouble dealing with you right now, so let’s take a break.
14. Why did you do such an awful thing?
Let’s look at what we can do to improve that.
15. I can’t love you when you act that way.
I always love you, and what you’re doing really upsets me.
16. But …
And …
17. Never say that again!
I don’t want to censor you so can we talk about that later and nicer?
18. I’ve asked you time and again, so when are you going do what I say!
Honey, so that you’re clear, this is not a request, it’s something I have to insist on.
19. You crazy freak! Don’t you know any better than that!
In some ways we are really different.
20. Can’t you ever get it right!
Sweetheart, we don’t seem to be making progress in this area.
21. That’s all your fault!
Honey, how can we learn to go about that differently?
22. I blame you for that, and you know you deserve it!
The critical part of me really wants to lay a guilt trip on you for that.
23. No, not ever, and that’s final!
Sweetheart, right now I am firmly against that so please bear with me and be tolerant.
24. We are never going to …
So far we haven’t and I really want us to, so this time how can we get to it?
25. If you really loved me you’d know what I need and you would have done it already!
I probably have not made a clear enough request so let me see if I can be specific
and tell you more exactly what I want.

Factor II    Destroyer Voice Tones versus Love Builder Voice Tones
Did you know that 35 to 37% of what you are communicating in a personal interaction is delivered by your voice tones? Have you given much thought to what your voice sounds are telling your loved ones when you talk to them? Below are 10 words describing voice tones which frequently tend to have an anti-love effect and 10 words describing voice sounds that might have a more love positive effect.

Check and see which you think are most common to your own voice tone expressions:
1. Indifferent    2. Businesslike    3. Bored    4. Harsh    5. Unfriendly
     Interested         Personal              Intrigued    Gentle        Friendly
6. Hard    7. Mean    8. Condescending    9.Condemning     10. Angry
     Soft          Kind           Respectful               Forgiving          Understanding

Factor III    Pro Love and Anti-Love Face and Body Communication
Did you know that in person-to-person talk it is not unusual for as much as 55% of the value of what is being communicated to be carried by face and body language factors? Did you know that in a person-to-person talk your subconscious mind may be interpreting as much as 300 bits of information per minute having to do with face and body language communication? Have you given much thought to what you’re face and body language messages are to your loved ones? Here are 10 words that can be used to describe face and body language expressions which can have an anti-love effect. Under each of these words is another word for a face and body language expression which might have a more pro-love effect.

1. Uncaring       2. Judgmental    3. Rejecting       4. Bland        5. Egotistical
     Caring               Forgiving             Accepting            Involved        Sharing
6. Tough    7. Superior    8. Irritated    9. Impatient     10. Prudish              Tender            Democratic      Tranquil         Patient                Flirtatious

Now we suggest you examine what your own, more frequent face and body communications are when you are talking with your loved ones. Then examine your voice tone communications and see how you might improve them. After that take a look at the words you are commonly using and see if you want to make some changes so that you can have a greater love-positive effect. You also might want to lovingly ask a loved one to follow your example and do the same.

As always, Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question Will you ask one, two or three people who know you pretty well what is the best and the worst or how you come across in regard to the above 3 Factors?

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Image credits: “[last remnants of autumn]” image by Flickr user lempel_ziv (Tanya Zagumenov) .
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Multiple Sex Partners and Love

With dismay in his voice Vince blurted out, “Doesn’t everyone feel awful if their main squeeze has sex with someone else?

“Isn’t it natural to feel jealous or bad or something terrible if you really love someone? So what’s wrong with me and my wife? When I found out she had sex with a guy on a cruise she went on with her girlfriends it just turned me on. That night, after she told me, we had the greatest sex ever! Now she says she wants me to have sex with her friend, Sheila — so we’re even. Are we both crazy?”

Vince’s bewilderment and similar variations of his confusing situation are not all that uncommon in my couples counseling practice. The truth is no small number of couples who really do love each other get quite sexually aroused about their spouse having sex with someone else before, during or after it happens, or in fantasy. Others keep circulating around a confusing mix of strongly opposing feelings and thoughts, while still others begin in agony only to later embraced and enjoy the very sexual behaviors they were first shocked and horrified by.

Another group seems to like it at first but not later. For most people raised in a culture that condemns this sort of thing and promotes sexual monogamy as ‘the only way to go’ dealing with this issue usually is excruciating. A great many breakdowns and breakups, along with all sorts of life chaos are the more usual experiences. Even suicide and/or murder sometimes are known to happen when a spouse or love mate has had sex outside their primary relationship.

What some people find strange is the fact that an increasing majority of couples in the developed world don’t break up or breakdown when one or both of them has sex outside their relationship. That doesn’t mean it is easy for all these couples to sort out. Some find it a relatively important but still a lesser significant event in their lives, while no small number of others actually enjoy what is so devastating to others. A surprising minority report that sex with others is actually good for their primary union, which is so totally opposite to what the majority of Western world couples experience.

What makes the difference between couples who are destroyed, couples who struggle through it and stay together, couples who take it in stride and are not much affected, and couples who enjoy and look forward to having multiple sex partners in their lives? Before we go after answers let’s get a little perspective and some background.

Down through the ages men and women have lived rather successfully with all sorts of different standards regarding sex. In all civilizations there have existed sexual standards which have at times included sanctioned and socially honored paramours, inamoratos, concubines, temporary travel spouses, concurrent secondary and tertiary husbands and wives, polygamist mates, and especially for the rich and the Royals various high status official positions for extramarital lovers of all sexual persuasions. There also have existed official holidays from monogamy, religious ceremonies involving sex with priests and nuns, sanctioned orgies, broadly approved of incestuous assignments and a whole lot more you didn’t get to hear about in World History 101. All major religions and major cultures have had extramarital, multi-person sex accepted and approved of in their history at times and in certain circumstances.

It is to be noted that traditionally matrilineal societies have had a whole lot less trouble with sex outside marriage than have patrilineal societies. Also in quite a few male dominant, agrarian societies having multi-person sex partners has been much more OK for males and often not at all OK for females. However, in certain hunter/gatherer tribes where male/female equality is greater, having multi-person sex outside a pair bond relationship, for both males and females, has been and in some areas still is highly approved of and is the norm.

Today around the world people in different cultures and societies react very differently concerning having multiple sex partners outside of pair bonded relationships. In some tribal cultures to refuse to have sex with a visitor or an important personage could be grounds for divorce and it might even get a person thrown out of the village. In other cultural groups multi-person sex can condemn a female to so called “honor murder” possibly by beheading or stoning. In contrast there are, and have been, sub-societies where the more people a woman has sex with the higher her social standing and desirability. And there have been the rare religious groups where even monogamous, marital sex has been deemed evil and equal to the sin of sex outside of marriage for both men and women.

You might say, “But all that’s ancient history”. Not so. In reviewing our current so-called civilized world I have seen a poll which showed that 67% of young, modern adult Peruvian women think sex with someone other than a spouse is quite justifiable. This number falls to 59% for young adult Brazilian women, and 50% among female Argentinians under 35 years of age. In a somewhat similar poll the UK number was 28% and the USA number was 38%, with various countries in the EU registering numbers similar to the South Americans. Urban dwellers in China score similar to the Peruvian women but measurements in rural China result in scores more similar to the English.

Modern world customs vary greatly in regard to multiple sex partners. The French have their custom of ‘separate vacations’ allowing for sex with another, and the Germans have Oktoberfest during which extra marital sex is not grounds for divorce. There is research that shows every year more married people have sex with someone other than their spouse, but the percentage of people divorcing because of infidelity continues to decline. Other research suggests that an increasing number of couples are jointly agreeing to engage in sex with other couples or a third-party. An increasing number of prostitutes offer their services to couples. Swingers’ clubs exclusively for couples are on the increase, and polyamore relationships where couples work to both grow and share real love along with sex with others are receiving increased attention.

No one is sure how many couples engage in Internet sex with others, or phone sex, or Second Life avatar sex, and the debate rages about whether or not any of that is adulterous. Sexual robots and three-dimensional cyber sex with electrodes to provide the physical sensations are in the works, and meanwhile couples rent and buy more explicit, erotic videos than do single individuals, and married women are the primary purchasers of sexual fantasy and erotic romance books according to some researchers. There’s a lot going on out there, and knowledge usually serves us better than ignorance.

So, with all that in mind let’s get back to what Vince asked. “Doesn’t everyone feel awful if their main squeeze has sex with someone else?” The answer obviously is “no” and reactions actually are quite varied. I want to acknowledge that many are deeply hurt in these situations, I see them in my practice and help them through very painful emotions. However, in this entry I want to relate that there are other responses that couples have. There is a minority in our culture who are erotically aroused and generally quite positive, others are only moderately disturbed, while some actually are fairly indifferent about the whole thing. This probably means your reaction to your mate having sex with someone else is probably not genetic or biologically ‘natural’ and ‘universal’, as some have argued. That’s good news because it also means that with work (psychological, ethical, relational, etc. work) you have emotional and behavioral choice.

Let’s look at the love factor for those who do get hurt because their spouse, or committed lover, had sex with someone else. There are those who argue that the more healthy, real, broad love you have the less you will see a spouse having sex with someone else as ‘vitally’ important. Therefore, the more you both have real love for each other the more you will be able to successfully stay together, even when great hurt and disturbance occurs. A supporting thesis goes like this. Only those who are markedly insecure and inadequate at both love and sex have to break up over a mate having sex with someone else. This might be because they can’t tolerate the idea that someone else might be better than they are at both love and/or sex. Secretly they suspect they themselves are inadequate and other people will outperform them. About that they are profoundly but secretly ashamed. The truly loving and self secure do not breakup or break down, they work it through with and for love. At least that’s some of the theory posited for this complicated issue.

We also must look at the healthy self-love factor. With enough healthy self-love and healing love for a spouse forgiveness, healing and relational improvement becomes more possible. Splitting up over anything sexual acts to make sex more important than love, and indicates it is likely self-love is deficient. Some religious leaders have taught that successfully staying together after infidelity is a special application of the great admonition “love others as you love yourself”. It seems like more and more couples are coming to new psychosexual understandings and with those understandings are working toward staying together. They do that with growing love for themselves and for each other. Also they jointly work against the common, cultural training to divorce over ‘going sexually astray’. This cultural training makes sex so incredibly important that it can, and by these societal standards, should outweigh healthy, real love. Fortunately for many couples, children and families real love often does prevail, and the problems our culture gives us concerning multiple sex partners are overcome and defeated.

It must be fully recognized that millions have been heavily programmed to give sex great importance, and some argue far more importance than it logically deserves. This is especially true for those living in the modern world where the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy can be responsibly guarded against. It also must be fully recognized that how much one hurts in a multi-person sexual situation may be heavily influenced by how one has been subconsciously programmed to feel and think about sex with someone other than a primary mate. How one has been programmed to behave about all this also is of great import. Acts against one’s self or against others almost always are counterproductive and they often negate the healing power of love.

Healthy, real love is protective (see the entry “A Functional Definition of Love") so those acting from healthy, real love take appropriate precautions for both sexual and emotional health. All persons in a multi-person sexual involvement are best treated with love, in fact the more love the better because that will produce the most health and healing when needed. Love between all participants also will assist in the healthiest resolution of difficulties. Making an enemy of one person usually just makes everything take longer and be much more difficult.

For the hurting couple grappling with their many difficult emotions here are a number of things to look at so that healing can occur. Everyone’s sexual background programming and beliefs, along with each person’s own sexual experience history, along with everyone’s religious training are well worth examining – but examining with love and with a loving attitude. The trick is to be very love-oriented and to combine that with being extremely truthful. It is love-centeredness mixed with truth that wins the day for most couples and for anyone else involved. Healing self-love, mate love and love for all concerned is the medicine that makes the difference.

Truth with love can defeat the problems while deception, lies, half lies and attempts at manipulation just make everything worse in the long run. Being not love-centered but fear-centered, or centered in authoritarian/judgmental controlling, or in victimhood, revenge, self-pity, judgmentalism or anything else can prevent love and truth from doing their healing work. Blame, accusation, condemnation, rage and other negativity aimed at yourself or others just helps you get a negative outcome. Be as loving as you can be to yourself and all concerned, be as truthful as you can to yourself and all concerned and you are much more likely to come out better than before.

Again and again that is the result I see in counseling with people dealing with these difficulties. I have worked with hundreds of couples hurting, struggling and battling their way through these issues. Those who do love mixed with truth are the ones who come out OK and often even better than they were. Seek the help of a loving, nonjudgmental counselor or therapist who only ‘takes the side of healthy resolution for all concerned’ and your journey to well-being will be both better and quicker. At least that is my experience and the experience of those therapists and counselors I have supervised.

Now, let’s look at the love factor for those who don’t get markedly hurt, upset, etc. about their love mate having sex with someone else. Swingers, polyamores, sex sharers, sex surrogates, erotic communalists, cyber sex aficionados and everyone else engaging in some form of sexuality with multiple people who really do a good job of showing their love-mate lots of healthy, real love usually are the ones who do best.

The general guideline is ‘do lots of love toward everybody involved’ or trouble will probably start and grow. Lots of truthfulness mixed with lots of love actions keep sex with each other more emotionally safe and nonthreatening. The couples who are less loving, less truthful and generally less successful at life tend to fail at having multiple sex partners in their lives. At least, in my counseling and consulting practice that’s what I have seen. Healthy self-love, mate love, reliance on truth, plus self-disclosure love and protective love (both physical and emotional) help toward a good prognosis. Anything less loving is likely to be much more problematic.

As in so many things those who do best at multi-person sexuality are those who are highly loving of self and others.

Again, the aim of this entry is to inform about diversity in the human condition. What we may have been taught is usual, normal, regular, etc. may be different for others, may be changing, and may have much more variation. What I promote is not a particular relational style but rather health and love in all things.

As always, Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
How do you know the ways you think about love and sex are not just the result of your family’s and your society’s programming and not necessarily about what is natural or best for you?

Lasting Sex and Lasting Love

Did you know that to keep having good sex in an ongoing, couple’s relationship it almost always takes having ongoing, healthy, real love actively and frequently demonstrated? It seems people can have good sex, on a short-term basis, without healthy, real love but not in a long-lasting, ongoing, romantic or spousal love relationship.

Did you know that healthy self-love probably needs to be a part of this mix also? Without healthy self-love couple love may not flourish. Without sufficient self and couple healthy, real love flourishing a couple’s sex life is likely to fade over time. So, to have a great, ongoing, couple’s sex life it likely will take having a good, healthy, ongoing love of self and a good, healthy, ongoing couple’s love frequently and actively demonstrated. That is what I have found and other counselors and therapists like me have concluded after many years of practice working with the sex and love lives of a great many couples.

Naturally it is important not to confuse ‘sex’ and ‘love’ as, unfortunately, so many people do (See entry “Making Love or Having Sex” and explore “The Love Definition Series” in the left column). Confusing love and sex leads many people to relational disasters. To really weave sex and love together healthfully it is important to know how extremely different they are from one another. Learning the different characteristics of healthy sexuality and healthy love can greatly assist individuals and couples to do both well, and to do a good job of weaving them together. If you confuse love and sex or suspect your beloved does I suggest you both had better work on that. If you think that your maturing children may confuse love and sex you might want to attend a bit more to their love and sex education. It also can help to talk with close friends about de-confusing love and sex.

A good, healthy sex life usually means one in which a couple has sex fairly frequently and every so often differs the style, place, time, etc. of their sexual experience. Differences in sexual behavior are not the only important kind of difference to consider. Many couples find that differences in mood or attitude can be the most important differences to consider when aiming to have lasting sex with lasting love.

To have lasting loving sex it helps if you consider all the many mood options available. Sex in which the shared moods include being romantic, naughty, daring, sweet, silly, primitive, crazy, wondrous, adventurous, passionate, nasty, lazy, wild, sacred, mysterious, kinky, base, abandoned, playful, tender and a host of other mood possibilities is highly desirable. Working to enact these various mood options is frequently far more important than simple, sexual intercourse position options or different methods by which orgasm is achieved.

Frequency of sexuality issues also is important and can vary greatly from one person to the other and from one couple to another. In addition it is important to consider the frequency of all sexual interactions, not just sexual intercourse. Erotic kissing, sexy talk, sexually flirtatious behavior and a host of other sexual interactions that do not lead to intercourse and orgasm but rather stand on their own as desirable events help spice up life and have independent value for a couple’s lasting love life. Quality is more important than quantity but there are too many couples who do not have frequent enough sexual interactions, including intercourse.

There also are a very small number of couples who have sex too often, but from a health professional’s point of view too much sex is a rarer problem than too little sex. If you have sex so often that you become very raw, bleed a lot, miss work or otherwise malfunction at regular life activities you might be having too much sex. Since sex is highly healthy in all sorts of different ways, and it gets even far more healthy when it’s mixed with love, having loving sex frequently is a very healthy thing to do biologically and psychologically. It also may help socially because there is evidence suggesting well sexed and well loved people are easier to get along with and possibly are more interested and active in constructive, social concerns.

In regard to the frequency of orgasms, having between one and three a week, depending on the individual and physical ability or disability, is often regarded as a good regimen for accessing accompanying health benefits. Perhaps you have heard “a climax a day keeps the physician away”. Oh, you thought it was an “apple” a day? Was it the Victorians or the apple industry that changed it?

In any case, the ‘climax a day’ works for quite a few people while there are others who seem do well with only once a month. Less than that is highly questionable. If each orgasm is accompanied with a dose of healthy self-love, with other love and/or love of life and the universe it is likely to be extra healthy. If orgasms are accompanied with guilt, shame, embarrassment, thoughts or actions that self-denigrate or demean another, with anger, depression, anxiety, or other negative emotions the experience is likely to result in poorer mental and emotional health and be damaging to a couple’s relational health, which also goes against having a good, lengthy love and sex relationship.

Lasting love is greatly assisted by knowing the different ways love can be conveyed and then mixing those ways into your sexuality. Research has discovered that there are eight distinct groups of behavior which convey love directly, and four others which transmit love indirectly. I egotistically will say the best thing you can read about the eight direct ways of conveying or giving love is to be found in Part Two of my book, Recovering Love, chapters 5, 6 and 7. Chapter 8 is about integrating those ways into your sex life and is titled “How Do We Get the Sex Life We Both Want”.

If you want to be a lasting, loving couple with a lasting, full sex life then it is important to study and practice the major ways love is done as you also experiment and explore sexuality together and it’s never ending variety. There are so many ways to be sexual you can never get around to them all. You will have your favorites which you can keep going back to but I suggest every once in awhile experiment with something new.

Now, let’s look at healthy self-love and some of its particulars. Healthy self-love is extremely helpful to lots of couples in lots of ways, and this is especially true when it comes to sexuality. The same ways you show love to another can provide you with the ways to show love to yourself. Healthy self-love actions of affirming, protecting, nurturing, gifting and working to lovingly interconnect and harmonize the parts of your psychological self provide examples. To know more about this you can explore this website looking at the various entries that have to do with communicating love and other entries concerning sex with love issues.

Healthy, real couple’s love usually is greatly complemented and made lasting when couples continue throughout their life together to study love and explore sexuality further. Generally speaking, the more a couple maintains a fairly high level of varying sexuality and at the same time the more a couple works at being purposefully love-active the more lasting, healthy and happy that couple will be. However, it takes some good, couple’s teamwork to accomplish that. If you have trouble with any of these ideas and suggestions you might want to seek an accomplished, love-oriented, couple’s therapists who is trained, experienced and credentialed in both couple’s and sex therapy.

For a lasting, love-filled, erotic, couple’s life together here are a dozen simple questions you and your beloved might want to consider working with.

1. Do we lovingly talk about sex together?
Lovingly means to talk with kindness, care, understanding, acceptance, and staying open to each other’s feelings and ideas, while not letting egotism, fear, inhibitions, judgmentalism or defensiveness have influence, and never talking in ways that could be interpreted as disrespectful, demeaning, degrading, making fun of, or angrily argumentative.

2. Do we lovingly ask for what we want sexually, and lovingly hear what our beloved wants?

3. Do we lovingly handle a hesitancy, reluctance, or our beloved not wanting what we want?

4. Do we lovingly handle our beloved wanting something very different from what we want sexually?

5. Do we want to lovingly share our erotic selves with one another, and lovingly participate with our beloved sharing their erotic ways with us?

6. Are we lovingly open to experimenting and exploring new and different ways to be sexual with one another?

7. If one or both of us gets erotically carried away and into intense, extreme or wild abandon sex is there still a sense of love pervading our experience?

8. Are our beloved’s sexual emotional wants, well-being and satisfaction consistently treated as lovingly important as our own?

9. When we experience sexual difficulty do we handle those difficulties with lots of self disclosure, truth and love?

10. Do we lovingly work to help each other get past restrictive sexual inhibitions, bad previous sexual experiences, anti-sexual training and subconscious programming, sexual ignorance and sexual inexperience?

11. Do we lovingly help each other share the fun, excitement, silliness, joy, playfulness, pride and ecstasy of sexuality together?

12. Do we, at least sometimes, lovingly together strive to grow and experience sexualities that are of spiritual, oceanic, metaphysical and cosmic dimensions?

Couples who can affirmatively respond to most the above questions I see as highly likely to have a lasting, growing and frequently enriched sex and love-filled life together.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Is your all over attitude about sexuality more of a loving, happy, affirmative, thankful it exists attitude, or a conflicted, contradictory and confused attitude, or an aggressive, competitive, loveless attitude, or a mostly emotionally bad feeling, negative attitude? Then, how do you think your all over attitude about sexuality affects your love relationships, including the one you have with yourself?

Over 300 FREE mini-love-lessons touching the lives of thousands in over 190 countries worldwide!

Synopsis: Betty’s Bi Love dilemma; can a Bi be happily well loved?; what is Bi exactly?; where does Bi come from?; Bi or gay?, more Bi males or females?; can you become Bi; Bi’s and marriage?; are you ready for a more Bi world?; can Bi love be healthy, real love?

Betty’s ‘Bi’ Love Dilemma

Can ‘Bi’s’ be happily well loved?

What Is ‘Bi’ Actually?

Bi or Gay?

More Bi Males or Females?

Can You Become Bi?

What about Bi’s and Marriage?

Are You Ready for a More Bi World?

Can Bi Love Be Healthy, Real Love?

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Synopsis: A daughter’s startling declaration and loving request; Parent readiness; Big questions; A different example; Handling it all with the power of love.

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Synopsis: Exquisite love with sex; Opposing laces; Why so many problems; Understanding your black and white lace issues; Mutuality; The couple who did it well; The rainbow way.

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Synopsis: What is usual; going from differences to disastrous dysfunction; love making the difference in differences; small step sex with love; examples; sex drive differences as a good thing; and handling sexual mis-steps are all discussed in this mini-love-lesson.

What Is Usual

From Sexual Drive Difference to Disastrous Dysfunction

How Love Can Make the Difference in Differences

Small Step Sex with Love

Examples To Consider

Sex Drive Differences As A Good Thing

Handling Sexual Miss- Steps

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

A Halloween Story of a Different Sort

Synopsis: This mini allegorical love lesson starts with the story of a Satanic problem; then goes on to the devil’s success; how Satan defeated science; hobgoblin brain scrubbing; Satan’s biggest trick; and Ends with you and the satanic forces.

A Satanic Problem

The Devils Success

How Satan Defeated Science

Hobgoblin Brain Scrubbing

Satan’s Biggest Trick

You and Satanic Forces

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly