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Sex Drive Differences and Love

Synopsis: What is usual; going from differences to disastrous dysfunction; love making the difference in differences; small step sex with love; examples; sex drive differences as a good thing; and handling sexual mis-steps are all discussed in this mini-love-lesson.

What Is Usual

Everybody has a natural, inborn drive for sex.  That is part of being a healthy human.  Like everything else human, the strength of that drive varies from person to person.  Sex drives also tend to naturally and healthfully vary in a number of other ways. Sex drive differences are normal and natural as well.

It is quite common for couples to have rather different drives for sex, urges for sex at different times, desires for different kinds of sexuality and differing     turn-on’s.  Not only that but the strength and frequency of sex drives tends to vary up and down over time.  Sex drives also can vary according to a multitude of sundry circumstances.  Furthermore, what may heighten one person’s sex desires at one time may dampen them at another time.  These sex drive variations may or may not at times have no relationship to what is happening with a person’s partner.

The number of couples who are well matched and, therefore, sexually highly compatible on all these factors turns out to be minuscule.  Most couples, sooner or later, have some sort of sexual compatibility problem often related to differences in their changing sex drives.  No wonder so many lovers complain that their beloved wants sex more or less often, or very differently than they do.

From Sexual Drive Difference to Disastrous Dysfunction

For no small number of couples the sex drive, related differences cause serious difficulties, numerous disappointments and sometimes emotionally excruciating dysfunction.  One partner who has a much stronger sex drive than the other can be a contributing factor to secret sex outside a primary love relationship, full-fledged affairs, breakups, divorce, violence, fits of depression, anxiety attacks and worse.  For larger numbers of people these differences in sex drive only cause minor to medium, relational dysfunctions along with a hampering of shared happiness.  But none of this need be true for couples who have a good, love-centered system for handling such difference difficulties.

How Love Can Make the Difference in Differences

Suppose your beloved wants to have sex a whole lot more often than you do.  What can you do?  Give in and go along?  Make excuses and dodge as often as possible?  Have lots of big, horrible fights?  Force your beloved away with cold rejection?  Run away?  Get resentful and passive/aggressive?  As you probably know, none of those work very well and may cause more trouble than they prevent.

Now suppose your beloved wants to have sex a whole lot less often than you do.  Do you try to cajole, guilt trip, shame, beg, harass, force, seduce, argue, cause fights, tolerate, accept and sacrifice your wants, become embittered, be passive/aggressive, look for other secret sex partners, or what?  Those ways also have a lot of drawbacks and ways of making things worse.

So, what to do?  Let me suggest this.  It is ‘love’ well expressed, probably quite frequently that is going to make progress possible when dealing with difficult, sex drive differences.  It is love in words and actions that will motivate taking steps toward overcoming whatever is in the way.  It is love shown compassionately that will heal wounds, relieve emotional pain and keep or retrieve emotional closeness.  It is the giving and receiving of love actions, when continuously mixed with certain small sexual actions, that will fix the problem of sexual drive differences.

Now, you don’t have to believe any of this, you just have to do it – ‘experimentally’ – to find out whether or not it will work.  You see, it is not a ‘true believer system’ but rather a ‘heart-centered, action system’ that has been known to work time and time again.

Small Step Sex with Love

Here is what may work best.  First, meditatively center  yourself in love (see the Love Centering mini-love-lesson) and ask your beloved to do the same thing.  Decide that you are going to ‘come from love’ and also with truth, in how you talk and act to your beloved about these differences.  Then, have a kind, loving but very truthful talk in which you listen as much as you talk.  Remember, Paul who told us love is kind, not rude, love is patient, etc. (First Corinthians 13).

Next, as lovingly as possible, talk about experimenting with very, small steps in moving toward more of what each of you wants sexually.  For example: If one of you wants tender kisses in intimate places, why not start to add at least a few more tender kisses near intimate places.  Then do more and closer over time.  If the other one wants raunchy, dirty talk why not begin to add some naughty words and statements so as to move in that direction.  Then do more and more over time.  Ask your beloved to be patient, and kind and anything else you want as you keep making small, experimental steps forward.  Mentally open yourself to the idea this may help you increase your own enjoyment and desire, as well as helping your beloved with their desires and enjoyment.  Compliment all steps toward improvement and criticize nothing.

Work to enjoy the journey.  If anything seems extra difficult in any way, you probably need to divide it into smaller steps.  Give and ask for praise, and thank you’s for each step attempted.  When things wrong, keep going, don’t stop.  Remember not to play the evil, ego game called “strike one, you’re out, and the game is over”.  Add fun whenever you can but do not make derogatory fun of your beloved or of yourself.

Examples To Consider

Listen to these five sentences which were made by people solving their issues concerning sex drive differences.  See if they give you ideas of what you might want to shoot for in your own sexual relationship.

“Dearest, let me try having sex with you more often, like you want, and you try doing some things I ask for that might help me get more turned-on.  And let’s be sure we both do it all in good spirits and with love whether it works or not.”

“Honey, I don’t really feel like having intercourse right now but I’d be glad to snuggle next to you as you masturbate, and I’d really enjoy helping you along as you do that.”

“Sweetheart, how about we do sex the way you like and want it this time, and the way I especially like it a little later?”

“Darling, I will be glad to try role-playing having sex the way you want but actually doing it hurts too much, so the best I can do is pretend – okay?”

“I want us to have a very sweet, tender, loving, caressing, cuddling, holding couple of hours together without having sex.  I want us both to ‘get into’ really enjoying all that ‘on its own’ without it having to lead to intercourse or a climax.  It’s okay if we get horny but this time let’s not do anything about it.  Every so often that’s what I want.  Will you help me have that?  Will you also try hard to enjoy it like I will?  If you could do that, I’ll feel really loved by you and I’ll very much want to do it all your way soon”.

With healthy, real love there is a desire, motivating actions toward helping those you love experience what they want to experience.  With healthy self-love there is a desire for healthy self-care.  Sometimes these two seem to clash.  However, with loving cooperation and the small steps approach, couples can help each other do at least some of both.  That often leads to a synthesis type solution, or at least a sort of taking turns compromise.

Unless something is distinctly harmful or destructive, or seems likely to be so, it usually is best to attempt some of whatever your beloved sexually wants.  At the same time, be sure and be asking for whatever you want.  Some of that can seem scary, weird or even repugnant at first, but then with small step experiments, done with love, it can turn into new ways to have excitement and much more mutual pleasure.  The rule is to avoid harm and to get into things lovingly and by way of small, sometimes very small, slow steps.

Sex Drive Differences As A Good Thing

Having sex drive differences can be a good thing when handled with enough love and with a small step, ‘experimental’ approach.  Two people can softly, but clearly, put forth what they want sexually and be as open as possible to hearing what their beloved wants.  Then both can experiment slowly, carefully and with small steps toward each other’s desires all of which can be done while being very loving.  This is what works for a great many couples.  This approach can lead to all sorts of sexual enrichment, new sexually and emotionally enjoyable experiences, new discoveries and a wider shared life experience.  It is especially great when a couple works to add to each other’s experience rather than to be limiting or subtractive.

Some people mistakenly think that starting out with high, sexual compatibility and staying that way is required to have a good, couples relationship.  That really is not true.  Remember, you do not need a copy of yourself.  It is better when you work at learning to enjoy what your beloved enjoys in every area, including sex.  In that way you add to each other, grow as a couple and grow as individuals.  This loving, small steps approach also helps get over sexual ignorance, sexual hang-ups, sexual fears, sexual narrowness, anti-sexual training and sexual blocks in subconscious programming.

Handling Sexual Miss- Steps

Know that some of your experimental step taking will lead to some stumbling, awkwardness, fumbling, etc..  Mis-coordination is certain to occur.  Especially, each first effort at something new is not likely to work.  The trick is to put some more love into it, and keep going.  Try, try, try again and don’t take any of it too seriously.  Doing it all with love and being love-centered is the more important thing.  Making love more important, and more commonly enacted than sex, makes the sexuality improved.  Making the sex more important than the love tends to make it much harder to sexually succeed.

Remember, there are two kinds of love involved.  Love of your beloved and healthy self-love.  Keep doing both as you keep taking small steps toward a greater, love-filled, sex life.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Love Success Question: Have you been learning as much about love you as you have about sex, and are you endeavoring to learn more about both?

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