Synopsis: This mini-love skill lesson explorers the puzzle of sex
without sex?; the great world of sexual variety for the loving;
intercourse dependency; why have sex without intercourse; how do we start moving beyond
intercourse dependency with a sample scenario; and a bit about fixing
sexual intercourse problems:more.
Sex Without Sex?
Sex without sexual intercourse is almost unthinkable
to some people. When you say the word sex a whole bunch of people
think sexual intercourse is what you mean. Having sex, doing sex,
making love and a hundred other phrases mean, to them, having sexual
intercourse.
The truth is there are a lot of people having a lot of great sex and
no sexual intercourse is going on. Quite often there also is a great
deal of healthy, real love happening, the intensity of the erotic
experience is fantastic and yet there is no ‘penis in vagina’ sex
happening.
The Great World of Sexual Variety for The Loving
For some people sex without intercourse is seen as a
necessity. For others it is seen as being preferable at least some of
the time. For a lot of people who really love each other sexual
intercourse is kind of incidental so long as there is good, love-filled,
emotional intercourse. There is another group who somewhat crudely say
“who cares how you get to come, just so you do”. Then again, some
proclaim there is so much more to sexuality than intercourse or
climaxing they can do without both so long as they get to do all the
rest with someone they really love and who loves them.
People who love each other ‘through and with’ their sexuality often
tend toward engaging in a wide variety of different, erotic experiences
with each other. The more different things they do together the less
they become what some call ‘intercourse dependent’.
Intercourse Dependency
Quite a lot of males protest things like “I just
have to be in her. In fact I’m driven to get in her again and again,
that’s just the way I’m built. I’ve got to feel that ‘inside her’
feeling and nothing else will do”. No small number of females declare
things like “having a man inside me is what makes me feel feminine and
like a real woman. I have to have that more than anything, even more
than an orgasm”.
Others deeply and strongly want to have the “in” experience coupled
with feeling their lover climax while “in”. This is all likely to be
quite natural and maybe genetic. However, some people let this drive
toward intercourse and/or climax in intercourse narrow their sexuality.
They’re sort of like the people who have to have meat at every meal or
the don’t feel like they’ve eaten well.
There are those who are religiously trained that it is wrong to do
anything but intercourse and so their sexuality has been unnaturally
narrowed by outside forces. From a health perspective
behavioral variety
is a good thing in almost everything humans do, sexuality included.
When humans have too much sameness in just about anything they tend1 to
give up on it because humans are
the creature that seeks variety
more than any other. Therefore, exploring for the wide variety of ways
sexuality can be practiced outside of intercourse can be a healthy,
enriching experience.
There are the millions who prefer oral-genital sexuality which some
think of as a form of oral intercourse. There are men and women who are
more desirous of anal intercourse than they are vaginal. A fair number
of women enjoy and even prefer dildos and other intercourse toys.
There are quite a few people who don’t care which kind of intercourse is
occurring, or whether or not there’s any intercourse, just as long as
what’s happening is very loving. Along with oral, anal or vaginal
intercourse some people also need to hear sexy words and see sexy looks,
or they combine their intercourse with various “kinky” actions. Plain
intercourse usually is not high on their priority list, though they can
be quite intercourse involved.
Why Have Sex Without Intercourse?
Do you wonder why some people have and even strongly
desire to have sex without intercourse? One reason is to develop all
one’s other loving sex skills. Lots of couples who resist or abstain
from having intercourse discover that they develop many other ways to
excite and pleasure each other. Some say intercourse-dependency
deprives people of all the better things there are to do sexually with
each another. They say too much focus on intercourse makes for a rather
limited sex life. By not doing intercourse for a while other things
often are explored, discovered and developed. Thus, a much broader
range of experience can be shared which often is a major joy in a loving
couple’s life together.
There are a larger number than you might think of people who don’t
participate in sexual intercourse for religious reasons, but ‘do
everything else’. These fall into three groups. One is the group who
has been religiously taught not to have intercourse unless it is to
procreate – have a baby. Another group it’s because they have been
taught that they are still virgins if they don’t have male-female,
vaginal intercourse, even though they might do everything else
imaginable. Then there is the group who has been taught that only
male-female sexual intercourse is sanctified (especially in marriage),
and they are in religious rebellion attempting to break out of and away
from their faith’s restrictive dogma, so they might do everything except
sanctioned sexual intercourse.
Very large numbers of people do not engage in sexual intercourse
because of medical reasons. Sadly, some of those have just given up on
sex when they don’t have to. Sometimes they have given up because they
are indeed intercourse dependent in the way they go about taking care of
their natural, sexuality, and they are unaware or inexperienced in the
many ways sexuality can be expressed. They can learn that, in spite of
injuries, illnesses and various other hampering or debilitating medical
conditions that limit or prohibit sexual intercourse, they can have a
great life of love-filled sexuality. Even paraplegic and quadriplegic
people can have a sex life, and treatment programs exist for
accomplishing exactly that.
How Do People Have Great Sex Without Intercourse?
There are lots of ways people can have a great sex
life without sexual intercourse or with only occasional sexual
intercourse? Some couples simultaneously masturbate each other, and
some do side-by-side parallel masturbation while talking sexy to each
other, or watching each other, or watching films. Some take turns as
giver and as receiver teasing, tempting and pleasuring each other
sometimes applying oils, powders, feathers, toys, vibrators and other
stimulating actions and devices all over each other’s bodies.
Those people who have to spend time away from each other can do
‘Skype sex’ where they can watch each other do sexually stimulating
things (according to company policies this is not supposed to be done,
but often is). Some couples watch the same sex video at the same time,
though they are thousands of miles apart, while they talk to each other
on the phone. Of course, millions do ‘phone sex’ with their beloved on a
regular basis while apart.
An amazingly large number of people, especially females, are sending
naked and otherwise sexy pictures of themselves to their lovers as
stimulating love gifts, and then delighting in hearing about what their
lover did while looking at the pictures. Oral sex, anal sex, spanking,
B&D, S&M, D&H, Tantric sacred sex meditation exercises, mud
pit sex, second life avatar with love partner avatar sex on the
Internet, all sorts of role-playing, sharing porn sex, etc. – why the
list goes on and on.
Not all these ways are pleasing to all people but choosing the ones
that are can help loving couples share fantastic sex lives together
without sexual intercourse. For couples for whom intercourse is
painful, somehow physically dangerous, ill-advised or impossible many of
these ways are used and make available sexual alternatives which can
show each other intimate, personal love and can make available loving,
sexual adventures together.
What Does It Take for Couples to Have a Sex Life
Not Overly Based on Intercourse?
Usually it takes a very love-centered relationship
where tolerance, acceptance and a “whatever works” attitude prevails.
It also takes being able to be lovingly open to experiments and
explorations of lots of varying sexual behaviors. Happy, shared,
excited, anticipation, curiosity and a sense of joyful sharing in each
other’s erotic, adventuring feelings also are great additions.
An important consideration backing up all these actions and
adventures often has to be a sense of being able to (if needed) to take
small steps, pause, back up or totally escape any sexual exploration
with full, loving support from one’s lover. Frequently a sense of
strong support and protection of one another in each and every sexual
experiment or adventure must be readily available for people to be able
to move forward together.
When lovers fear their beloved may be critical, disappointed,
disparaging , judgmental, angry, prudish or any other relationally
negative process, it becomes quite difficult if not impossible for
couples to sexually progress. Also there has to be a sort of “we can
try that again later” understanding. No one wins by playing the
destructive, psychological game known as ‘strike one, we are out and our
game is over’.
How Do We Start Moving Beyond Intercourse Dependency
One way is to do a homework exercises that I
sometimes assign which seems to work for a lot of couples. It starts
with a trip to a good bookstore and going to the sexuality section.
There a couple often can read and look at beautiful, erotic pictures
portraying many of the different ways people can and do go about sex,
with and without sexual intercourse.
It’s important to talk together about whatever grabs your attention,
gets you interested or piques your curiosity. You might want to take a
book or two home, then share going deeper into the books with one
another. After that I suggest giving each other a full, very light
touch, naked, all parts of the body massage with intercourse absolutely
prohibited.
Following that you can begin to take little, mental, sexual
adventurers like sharing some sex fantasy and maybe do a little
role-playing. There are more advanced ways to progress to sexual
intercourse-absent sexuality, and then even much more advanced ways. If
you’re up for it you might attend a Tantric, Shakti or Taoist spiritual
sex practices weekend workshop which many couples proclaim as the most
amazing and productive way to maximize a couple’s sexual love together.
Sample Scenario
One couple followed this scenario. Shy Sarah
whispered, “I will go skinny dipping if you will, but it has to be dark
and no intercourse.” Timid Tim agreed, and it turned out to be
incredibly exciting. Then timid Tim said, “Let’s make out in the back
seat of our old station wagon, and so they laughed and giggled while
they kissed and fondled for hours. Sarah, no longer quite so shy, had
read about couples doing nude meditation together which they did and
quite a few wide-ranging, new and intriguing feelings enveloped both of
them.
Later Tim, less and less timid, brought home a sexy movie and
side-by-side they played with each others genitals as they watched it,
driving them into passions they never knew existed before. Even later
their ecstasy soared when Sarah said to Tim, “Tease, tempt and lightly
‘torture’ me for the rest of the night.” Tim quite enthusiastically
obliged, although because of blissful exhaustion they didn’t make it all
through the night.
Of course, some days later Tim came with chocolate
syrup and did all manner of erotic oral things to and with Sarah.
Together they visited a sex shop and came home with a variety of toys
plus a great eagerness to learn how to play with them. Those were the
beginning practices that went into shy Sarah and timid Tim building a
love filled, not intercourse dependent, sex life.
Fixing Intercourse Problems
Couples who have sexual intercourse problems can do
all the above, while working on whatever difficulties they might have
concerning sexual intercourse itself. If you have problems with
intercourse, or getting started in the above described areas, come to
talk to one of us who have received the additional training it takes to
develop expertise in sex therapy. We’ll be glad to help you.
As always – Go and Grow in Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question If
you’re going to get into a sexy, new practices or actions with your
beloved what would you really like them to be? Do they include a
healthy dose of love?
