Synopsis: Betty’s Bi Love dilemma; can a Bi be happily well loved?; what is Bi exactly?; where does Bi come from?; Bi or gay?, more Bi males or females?; can you become Bi; Bi’s and marriage?; are you ready for a more Bi world?; can Bi love be healthy, real love?
Betty’s ‘Bi’ Love Dilemma“What am I to do? I am madly in love with an astonishing man but I’m also passionately, deeply in love with an absolutely wonderful woman.
Not only that but they both are incredible in bed, although really different from each other! But it’s a whole lot more than just sex, its romance and it’s being able to talk with each other and hanging out, it’s everything. I so want them both, and I can’t give either one of them up. Do I have to choose? There are other problems though. What will my children think? Then there’s my parents and family, and I have some really conservative friends, and what about my neighbors when my lovers visit, and do I dare talk this over with my preacher? Am I headed toward disaster? Is there any way all this can work?
Both of them are starting to hint about marriage. What in the world am I going to do about that? Do I introduce them to each other and see if we can try to be some kind of threesome? As a bisexual can I be happy and well loved or am I doomed to always be in some kind of big, bad, love mess?” These and many other such questions drove Betty to seek help for her ‘Bi’ dilemma. Can you guess how she came to resolve her dilemma? Study what comes next and see if you can figure it out.
Can ‘Bi’s’ be happily well loved?In answer to this question I have heard a ‘Bi’ say, “Yes, definitely. We, who are Bi, can be far better loved than most people because we have all the joys and everything else a male and a female lover can give. From my point of view that’s twice as good as what straight or gay people get”. I have also heard ‘Bi’s’ say things like, “For me being Bi is absolute hell because both my partners want me to pick one of them and give up the other. They’re always pulling and tugging at me and there’s just way too much drama. Every time I try to choose one I end up going back the other way. It seems endless”.
For Bi’s who can choose both loves, and continue to be chosen by both, it can be wonderful but very, very busy. Bi people with two lovers also talk of their situation being quite demanding and often exhausting. However, breakups often are rather easier because there is always the other lover already in place offering comfort and solace. Thus, there are seldom abandoned or all alone situations.
Some Bi’s live happily in a married lifestyle with one lover while frequently seeing their other lover. Quite a few seem to try living as a threesome, or each living under a different roof but getting together frequently both as twosomes but also regularly as a threesome. Various forms of open marriage are tried and there are some who secretly live in larger group marriages. It is thought quite a few Bi’s take part in polyamore affiliations.
The truth is, just like gays and heterosexuals, some live happily, some live sort of mediocre and some repeatedly are in relationship struggles and agony. I think mostly it has do with whether or not the people involved know how to do healthy, real love with one another, or not. Then there are those people who are bisexual but they cannot break out of their family and cultural heterosexual training, so they forever are battling to live “traditionally” or what gets called ‘normally’ but often that doesn’t work out well.
“Yes” is the short answer to the questions “can Bi’s live happily, well loved” and a considerable number do, especially if they learn and practice healthy, real love but it also is true that there are Bi’s that don’t.
What Is ‘Bi’ Actually?‘Bi’ is a term relating to two different but often integrated phenomena. One has to do with sex and the other to romantic love. It might be better if there was wide usage of a term like Bi-Amore along with the word bisexual. Bi-Amore refers to a relationship which is characterized by mutual deep care, emotional intercourse and intimacy, kindness, precious interaction, shared feeling at every level, high personal valuing of one another, and joy and happiness in the well being of one another – or in a word, LOVE. Therefore, it is not so much about sex as it is about healthy, real love being given and received.
Some people, it seems, are sexually attracted to both males and females naturally. Some people naturally, romantically form a ‘couple’s type’ love relationship with people of either or both genders. There seem to be those who only will experience spousal mate love with people of one gender but find both genders sexually enjoyable. There are those who can have a close, bonded, intimate spouse-like love with one gender but they want sex with the other gender. Those who can have a spousal love with two genders but sex with only one gender also exist. The term ‘Bi’ and the word bisexual can be and is applied to all of these.
Where Does ‘Bi’ Come from?
The available scientific evidence today points to there naturally being a certain percentage of people who are ‘Bi’. This natural percentage of ‘Bi’s’ also seems to occur in quite a few species. Not only that but there are species that are heterosexual part of the time, homosexual part of the time and bisexual part of the time. Among humans some researchers suggest everyone is it least a little bit ‘Bi’. By one definition, the term bisexual is everyone who ever has had any sexual attraction feelings toward both, any male and any female. ‘Bi’, therefore, is everyone, subconsciously if not consciously – or so the thinking goes. People who have close, intimate, natural love for both males and females have been considered ‘Bi’ or Bi-Amore by some. In any case, the simple answer is all types of sexual preference, and love preferences too, probably come from nature.
Bi or Gay?For a while it was popular in some circles for people to believe all ‘Bi’ people really were homosexual and were in denial or disguise. Recent research disagrees. The available scientific evidence says there are many species, including humans, who are born with a natural, mate-bonding proclivity to both genders.
More Bi Males or Females?No one knows for sure but there is evidence suggesting more females than males are becoming OK with bisexual and bi-amore involvement. Perhaps they have a ‘bi’ component in their personality or genetics, or they just might be more willing to experiment with different sexual and love relationships. Then again, they just could be born more sexually flexible. Traditionally males get more anti-homosexual training than women and that may play a big role here also.
Can You Become Bi?In some people their Bi nature seems to emerge later in life after having lived heterosexual or homosexual for many years. Some people try being Bi when they learn their spouse or lover wants them to do so. Some of them like it and keep desiring Bi experiences and some do not, while still others can ‘take it or leave it’. Naturally those who have a good first Bi experience are more prone to having other Bi experiences. Those who have bad experiences, especially two or three in a row, tend not to attempt additional Bi experiences.
It appears that a fair number of people who experience strong, intimate love for someone of their own gender and also have a lover of the opposite gender often engage in threesomes which may later change to at least occasional twosomes with both. There are quite a few who will engage in what might be called the homosexual part of being bi only when their opposite gender partner is present and participating.. To get the flavor of this listen to Blake. “I tried being Bi because I love my wife so much, and she got the most turned on being with two men, and especially watching two men ‘get it on’ with each other. She also gets turned on by women, just like me, so quite often we are sexual with other Bi couples.
When we date other couples it’s likely we will all ‘get it on’ with everybody, every which way. Neither one of us would ever do anything without the other being there too because that just wouldn’t be exciting or satisfying. I don’t think I could genuinely love or lust for another guy like she might, and I think she’s pretty much the same, so none of this is really homosexual, it’s all just part of being Bi the way we do it.”
So, the short answer here seems to be “yes” you might be able to become sort of semi-Bi if you wanted to and tried hard enough. However, probably for the majority of Bi’s their Bi-ness has a natural, genetic basis.
What about Bi’s and Marriage?Listen to Smitty who said, “I was so happy to find out my wife was bisexual. I’m one of those guys who just has to have sex with other women. So years ago Kate, my wife, and I went looking for other females, and since then we’ve been sharing sex with several, and with one it’s grown into a real, lasting, love relationship”. And listen to Molly. “Like a lot of other bisexuals I know, I live in what outwardly looks like a traditional marriage but secretly it’s not traditional at all. I got into having sex with both males and females in college and it just sort of continued that way. It works great with my husband, and it seems to work pretty good for our Bi couple friends too”.
It appears that especially a lot of younger Bi people live outside legal marriage but inside psychological marriage. There are some who seem to be legally married to one person but in a love sense psychologically are married to another. Some, of course, have a lot of trouble with marriage especially when their spouse cannot accept their Bi-ness; while others sort of are mixed about it, and still others do fine. So, the brief answer is “yes” bisexuals can be happily married, but there’s no guarantee.
Are You Ready for a More Bi World?Bi-sexuality and Bi-love relationships either are on the rise, or more are coming out into the light of the world, according to some who study this sort of thing. Some marriage counselors report hearing more couples revealing Bi desires or affairs. Some family therapists talk about family counseling in which a family member talks about their Bi relationships. More people, both male and female, in individual therapy seem to be wondering about their own sexual preferences – one of which is being Bi. College counselors are running into more Bi relationship issues, especially among female students.
Being Bi is easier to disguise because half of it is very heterosexual, but as homosexuality becomes more acceptable so does being Bi. Consequently bi-sexuality may show up more in general awareness. We have to look at the fact that much of the world is very couple oriented and not at all designed for open Bi-ness. What this will mean for our societal and cultural future is an issue just beginning to be pondered.
Can Bi Love Be Healthy, Real Love?Alice said, “We just celebrated our 30 years together, 25 of which have been spent living Bi. We’ve raised our kids and they are healthy, productive, happy, young adults. Bob said, “We run a successful business together, travel around the world, have donated thousands of hours and dollars to worthy charities, and by every way you can think of have been successful; not that we haven’t had some problems but we’ve overcome them as three loving people working together.” Carol said, “We are so caring, and so close, and so in love with each other that I don’t think it could be better.” Alice, Bob and Carol answered the question, can bi love be healthy, real love with a resounding “Yes”. There, of course, are others who would answered with a resounding “No”, it didn’t work for them (just like is true in all forms of love relating). So, what do you think?
Remember Betty and her dilemma from the first paragraph. She resolved her dilemma in a somewhat unexpected way. She summed it up saying, “About 2 months into counseling I realized I actually just was infatuated with both my lovers. It wasn’t real love, it was a kind of false love. Now I’m in a pretty traditional, heterosexual relationship, full of healthy, real love. It’s so different than infatuation. There’s more kindness, deep communication, delightful compatibility, and the tender, precious feelings are so plentiful. Well, as you can see, Bi’s like everyone else can be deceived by false forms of love and Betty’s resolution is another way things can turn out.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
How do you want to see yourself respond to someone who’s very personable, admirable, attractive and inviting you into a Bi experience?