Love Is Natural - Love Relating You Learn

Mini-love-lesson  #199

Synopsis: Here you learn about the incredibly important differences between having and feeling love and knowing how to do love relating. Also included is intriguing info about acquiring good love-relating skills in this highly significant mini-love-lesson and more.

A Lovely Surprise

Al, Betty, Carl, Dot, Ernie, Fatima, George and Helena were so surprised about what they had in common, besides joining a group for breakup and broken heart recovery.  Each had checked “yes strongly” to the survey question “Do you believe, or have you believed, real love just happens when the time is right and fate makes you meet the right one”.  Seven of the eight also answered “no or seldom” to the question “In your past, do you think you gave the how’s, ways and whys of love (not sex) much serious consideration?”

It turned out that, like so many people, these eight participants had not given love or love-relating the kinds of study, research or thought that leads to success in every other major area of life and human endeavor.  That is, not until they experienced the intense agony of breaking up and becoming brokenhearted along with at least semi-dysfunction in their everyday lives.  It was only then that learning about the how to’s of love success and love-relating became a major imperative for each of them.

Ernie put it this way; “Breaking up hit me in the gut a lot harder and got me down a lot longer than I ever would’ve thought possible”.  Helena remarked, “It was the same for me.  Now I want to learn everything I can about love.  The more I learn the better I feel and the better I do with myself and with the people who really count in my life”.

Learn What Many Never Learn about Love

Love is a naturally occurring process phenomenon, sort of like metabolism, neuro-cognition, immunity mechanisms, cell regeneration, etc.  It occurs naturally in higher order species and maybe in others also.  Real love has great survival value and is both healthy and healing.  While love is natural and the potential for it is inborn, love-relating has to be learned.  The better you learn and practice love-relating skills, the better you are likely to do at love.  It also seems that the less you learn about love relating skills, the more likely you are to have serious love relationship problems.  The same is true if you don’t consistently do deliberate, improvement oriented practicing of your love-relating skills.

Are You Setup for Love Failure?

Around the world, much of romantic, love mythology sets us up to fail at love relationships.  That is because around the world a very easy to make common mistake has been repeatedly made in numerous cultures and societies.  It is kind of like the once super common mistake of thinking the Earth was flat.  You too, like so many of us, may have been trained to make this common mistake about love.

This is the mistake.  To confuse feeling, experiencing and having natural love with thinking that, therefore, you will naturally know how to DO love-relating and, likewise, so will the person who you hope will love you back.  Having love and love-relating are two, distinctly, different things.  Having love for someone emerges naturally and is part of a natural, vital, life process.  Love-relating takes learning and practicing.

Without Good Love Relating, We Tend to Fail at Life and Love!

If you want your loved ones to succeed at life, learn good love-relating and regularly dose them with what you learn.  If you want to succeed in life, learn love-relating and do not forget to include receptional love-relating and healthy self-love.  Then practice what you are learning often.  Those are some of the conclusions flowing from contemporary research in loveology “Is there really a new field called Loveology?”, the new science of love.

It is love-relating which delivers love to us.  Without love we malfunction psychologically and biologically.  More technically, receiving the behaviors which convey, send and demonstrate love triggers vital psycho-neurological processes within us which have highly important health benefits.  Doing the behaviors of giving love has similar benefits for the doer as well as the recipient.  To give and get healthy, real love requires and is the essence of love-relating.  Successful love-relating requires learning and practicing love-relating skills.  Having and feeling love does not teach you the how to’s of love-relating.  That, we all have to learn.

Remember, depending on the natural process to do it all takes to have a successful love relationship is like a farmer depending on mother nature to do all the work of farming i.e. planning, tilling, planting, fertilizing, protecting, nurturing, harvesting, transporting to market, etc..  Families, which are started with couples relating, are people farms and love-relating is the prime, necessary work of raising the people farm’s crops.

The Two Ways We Learn Love-Relating Skills

Some people grow up in families in which people practice good love-relating skills.  They do not know they are learning those skills but subconsciously they are. So, we use terms like learning by osmosis or non-conscious socialization.  The trouble is a lot of people are learning bad or anti-love relating skills the same way.

Some people are like the laboratory monkeys who got just enough love behaviors coming their way to keep them alive but that is all.  They grew up in non-loving environments and never learned to share love actions with other adult monkeys or do loving behaviors toward younger monkeys. 

Consequently, they became depressed, anxiety ridden, unable to bond or parent well, and were quite socially maladaptive in their monkey tribe.  They also died early.  However, a few such love-malnourished monkeys seem to have watched the more loving monkeys very carefully and learned some of the love behaviors which then made their life somewhat better.  All that is pretty much just like humans do.  Now we know that the same is true of most higher order species and maybe others.

The second way to learn love relating is by consciously and purposely studying and practicing the successful ways to do love relating.  It is important to realize that, like swimming, you really have to get into the water and practice over and over.  Your actions can not just be repetitious.  They have to be actions moving you toward continued improvement and refinement so that you grow ever more skillful at love-relating.  You can not just think about it, or just do informational reading and fact absorption, although those actions can be quite helpful.

Another very important part of this second way is similar to singing duets or playing doubles tennis.  It takes really good practiced, coordinated teamwork for couples and families, deep friendships, etc. to do love well together.  Without love-relating teamwork, two very loving people still can seriously dysfunction as a couple.  That is like two really good singers singing different songs at the same time.  They just make noise instead of music.  Therefore, practicing love-relating improvements together is best for getting good love teamwork to develop.

Brand-New Ancient Knowledge

The behavioral sciences just now are beginning to get a really good handle on what it takes to do good love-relating.  It turns out what they are discovering is not exactly new news.  Many sages, seers and wisdom masters of old tried to teach us what we had to work at for learning to do love well.  Plato, Ovid, St. Paul, Rumi, Lao Tse Tung, and a host of others had things to say about what we had to learn and practice for love to work well.  A fair amount of what they taught about love-relating is now being rediscovered, supported and confirmed by modern research.

What is not much supported is some of our Western, standard, romantic love conceptions which stem from the 1200’s and the medieval French Courts of Love but still predominate in many parts of the world.

Love-Relating, What Is That Exactly?

Love-relating has to do with anything and everything effecting the way creatures in love relationships relate with, for, through, and about love.  Put more simply, love-relating has to do with all the ways we can relate to each other via love.

More completely, love-relating has to do with the relational actions of establishing, nurturing, growing, maintaining, healing, improving, benefiting from and enjoying a love relationship.  It also is about communicating with and for love, emotionally connecting with and for love, bonding with and for love and mutually enhancing and enriching one another via a love relationship.

Love-relating also has to do with the behaviors that give (send, convey, trigger, inspire, deliver, apply, emit, present, etc.) and get love, as well as with the thoughts and feelings which transpire in the getting and giving of the love process.

Love-relating can be done excellently, well, mediocre, poorly, badly or not at all.  To do good love-relating requires relating skills and, therefore, skill development.  Good love skills development requires learning and practicing, honing and perfecting and desiring to always improve further.
Most importantly, love-relating at its core requires the existence of healthy, real love.  That love motivates the development and practice of love skills which can lead to high, strong and lasting love relationship success.  Without learned and practiced, deliberate love-relating actions, we are outer-dependent on things like luck, fate, etc..  Even if you are extremely lucky, your love life will not be as good as it could be with well learned, good love-relating skills.

Are You Up for Learning Good, Love-Relating Skills?

Have you hoped that you would be lucky in love and that would take care of it?  Were you one of the lucky ones that grew up in a healthy love-relating family and by osmosis you absorbed the how to’s of good love-relating?  Or were you like so many of us, in need of doing the work of deliberately learning good love-relating skills?  Either way, are you going to do what it takes to do love pretty much as well as you can?

Much of the world we live in is not very loving and certainly not very good at teaching or motivating us to learn the skills of good love-relating.  Some people in some religions have tried hard to do it better while others in the same religions were busy at anti-love ways and doing more harm than good; somewhat similar things can be said about philosophy and psychology.

Skills of love-based cooperation vie with those of greed-saturated competition.  Aggressive attack and destroy power in many places is extolled over that of assertive, co- constructive mutuality.  Seeking I win, you lose outcomes is portrayed much more often than I win, you win, nobody loses outcomes.  Nevertheless, the last thousand years of history, or so, shows humanity in spite of major setbacks, creeping slowly upward toward a world lit with the light of love and out of the darkness of anti-love and indifferent, non-love.

In such a world, it is hard to find good, healthy, real love-relating knowledge but more and more it can be done.  And with that knowledge, you can base your practice of love skills and make at least your part of the world a bit more love filled.  You also can teach and encourage others to do the same.  That is the challenge of love in our world.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: How much delight and deep enjoyment do you think you can create for yourself and maybe also for others by exploring and developing your love-relating skills?
Help spread the word.  Knowledge about love helps!  So, how about telling someone about this site and our free mini-love-lessons?

Related posts:

1. Willing and Ready for Love?
2. Yellow Love: Are You Suffering from It and Don’t Know It?
3. Startup Love is Never Enough !
4. Learning About Love – Together
5. Living Well via Loving Well 

Hunting for Love

Mini-Love-Lesson # 198

FREE: one of over 200 mini-love-lessons touching the lives of thousands in over 190 countries – worldwide!

Synopsis: To hunt or not hunt for love; conscious and subconscious hunting; the hunting controversy; hunting while married; those who give up hunting; science versus tradition; those who can not be bothered; five big helpers for good hunting and more are looked at in this mini-love-lesson.

Who’s Not Hunting?

Everyone’s hunting for love who has a paucity of love in their lives according to certain behavioral scientists.  They are hunting either consciously and knowingly or subconsciously and do not consciously know it but they are, nevertheless, hunting for love.  That is thought to be true even for those who do not believe in hunting for love as well as those who think purposefully hunting for love works against finding it.  With rare exception, those hungry for love and especially those love-malnourished or love-starved one way or another are looking for the love they naturally need.  Or at least so goes that thinking.

Have you ever heard someone say something like, “I’m waiting for love to find me, and I went to the single’s club just to make friends and have something to do, but I wasn’t really trying to find love.  I wouldn’t feel right doing that”?  There is evidence that suggests our natural need to be loved and give love pushes our hunting behavior whether we are aware of it consciously or not.  If that is so, it seems our inborn drive for love will not let our conscious mind be fully in control of this vital need.  It will make compartmentalized thinking and denial mechanisms block our awareness, if that is what it takes.  At least that is what some researchers and love theories postulate.

So, do you judge this thinking may be generally true?   Is it true of you right now?  Are you hunting for love and know it, or maybe do not know it.  Could this explain some of your behavior?  Does this  explain some of the behavior of people in your life?  What about important people in your past?

The Married and Still Hunting

It would appear many love-hungry, married people also subconsciously and sometimes consciously hunt for the love they feel they need even though they are consciously, vehemently against doing so.  Time and again during marriage and affair counseling I heard things like, “I don’t know why I sat next to the single guy at the meeting, I just did.  Do you suppose that’s where my affair really started?  I certainly didn’t know that was what was happening at the time”.

Arguably, many of the under-loved and married are on the hunt most of the time.  Those who are doing it entirely consciously may be also readying themselves for divorce.  That seems especially true for those who tried and tried to get more and better love-relating to happen in their marriages but to no avail.

Another thing I heard a lot in marital therapy goes like this: “She tried to get me to go to marriage counseling many times and I just wouldn’t go.  Now she’s divorcing me and has a lover.  What am I to do?  Is too late?”  That is the kind of statement many therapist who deal with couple’s, love-relating issues hear time and time again.  The relational therapist’s reply usually contains something like, “Possibly it’s not too late.  Let’s see what we can do about it”.  Oftentimes, with a good relational therapist, that leads to reconciliation but many times not.

What about Those Who Give up Trying?

It is true some people have been so hurt, so broken hearted and have become so afraid of trying again that they really do not consciously or subconsciously search for love.  That does not mean they do not still long for the love that would do them great good to have.  Some of these people can do okay and even do well by living on a healthy diet of love with good friends, family, children, pets, their religion or deity and sometimes with a cause usually involving helping or enriching others.

Giving up on hunting for love is not always about romantic love.  Sometimes it is because of family love-relating gone drastically wrong.  Heavy-duty friendship betrayal also can play a role here.  Sometimes what is involved is severe physical and/or emotional abuse, rape, incest or some other serious maltreatment.  It also simply can be about loss of a deep, strong, usually long-lasting love.
Sadly, there are a lot of people who feel they dare not risk any love relationship, at least not with human beings because it may lead to too much heartache like they have felt before.

Another thing some therapists frequently hear goes something like this, “Getting the dog saved me from suicide” or “I stay alive because the animals at the sanctuary (farm, ranch, refuge, etc.) need and love me and I love them”.  Secretly, these people usually admit that one day they might start to seek romantic love again but not yet.

There also are those who previously had a great and fulfilling, couple love but their love mate now is gone and they are carrying on tolerably well.  They seem to do okay enough living off their inner reservoir of love, built up over years with a really good love partner.  Then there are those that have been severely hurt by a love relationship gone wrong and they essentially turn into hermits.  I have never seen that work in the long run, though in the short run it can allow some time for healing.

The Controversy over Deliberately Hunting Love

In some circles, there is a fair amount of controversy concerning purposefully or deliberately hunting for love.  One school of thought says deliberately hunting does not work because romantic love only happens when you are not looking for it.  Remember, love is supposed to be blind.  It sort of is like romantic love has to ambush you, sweep you off your feet or trip you up so you can fall into it and it can totally possess you.  That is supposed to be the way to happily ever after.

Some reply to that scenario like this.  Remember that although falling in love feels like flying, similarly like other forms of falling, it so often ends in a crash in which you can get really seriously hurt and harmed.

An opposing school of thought goes like this.  Generally, people do best at most forms of achievement by deliberate and deliberated upon action.  That way both their conscious and subconscious minds do not have to fight each other and can work together toward the same goal at the same time.  For most people, conscious attention given toward learning and improvement-making practice works best.  There is a lot of evidence to say that hunting for love and love relating are no exception.  While love is a natural phenomenon that may just spring up in your life, or slowly grow in your heart, successful love hunting and love relating takes learning.  A good hunter is one who continuously learns more and more about hunting well.

Assertive Hunting

Assertiveness means actively being willing to make the first move to connect, increasingly probing into and revealing more personal knowledge, sharing feelings and often simply asking for what is wanted.  Walking up to someone and saying, “You look interesting, I want to meet you” is truthful and both brave and efficient hunting behavior.  Can you do something like that?

How to Hunt for Love – Five Basics

1.    Start with Self  To hunt and find love, start by becoming more loving and lovable.  So, are you improving your loveableness and your love-abilities?  Are your skills at giving genuine, heartfelt love increasing?  How about your skills at receiving love well?  Finding what could become Great love may take you becoming great at love.

Were you hoping to be loved in spite of your anti-love flaws and your non-loving ways.  We all have those.  Well, that does happen but those who do their part at love-behavior-improvement have a lot better chance.

2.    Go Forth Boldly, Carefully, Truthfully and Often  Enjoy, but be wary of attraction, both coming and going.  Don’t confuse attraction with love.  They are different!  Be friendly assertive!  Remember, active choosers tend to be safer and do better than those waiting to be chosen, and certainly do better than beggars, buyers and manipulators.  As you go, be increasingly real with some finesse.  Playing games, faking, over or under presenting yourself, forever hiding your less-than-perfect parts, your history, etc. may help catch but not keep someone.  The quicker you assert your truths, the quicker you test for tolerance and acceptance ability in the person you are love-relating with, both necessities for healthy love.

To questions you don’t want to answer, reply with some charm and something like “you don’t get to know that about me, at least not yet” and don’t volunteer explaining that response.  Remember, it’s a bit of a numbers game.  Those who go (out and about and go different) more often get more, often.  For carefulness, don’t play “strike one you’re out, or anybody’s out, and the game is over”; but maybe after three or so strikes, it is time to at least think about hunting elsewhere.

3.    Defend with Self-Love  When something goes relationally awry, use your healthy self-love with self-affirmation to defend against putdowns, rejection, disregard, disapproval, anger, indifference, neglect and everything negative coming your way.  Listen and seek to understand but don’t quickly take-to-heart negatives.  They likely say more about the sayer than about you.  Remember, that without self-love, other love suffers – sometimes greatly.

4.    Risk Asking for What You Want – Behaviorally  Happily saying “I want some affection” is good but is not as good as following those words with something like “so I’d like you to kiss me right now”.  This is because until you describe the behavior that gives you what you want, another person likely is not going to clearly understand exactly what behavior you are hoping will happen.  Remember, no two people really think anything exactly alike.  Hinting and thinking, if they truly love you they will know what to do and will do it, might work after you know each other for 10 years or more, at least some of the time.  However, asking for what you want behaviorally more efficiently explorers for a couple’s potential communication competence.

Especially kindly but assertively, ask for and give self-disclosure concerning what is important to you, and him or her, and what you are passionate about.     Increasingly ask personal but not too early sexual questions, and remember to practice good listening skills all along the way.

5.     Discuss Love Early   If you are going to hunt for love, you might as well get right to it, gently and with finesse, but clearly.  Probably talking about love in general at the very first, looking to see things like if the topic scares who you are talking to, if love is confused with sex, if they are hunting for it, if they are working at trying hard to dodge it, etc.. might reveal important things to know.  Then get around to what happened about love to them before you met them; are they willing to work at and with love to improve love-relating skills, etc..  For discussing love, you might want to use the mini-love-lesson “20 Smart Making Love Questions” plus any other mini-love-lesson from the Subject Index that grabs your attention.

Good hunting!

How about helping spread the new love knowledge a bit by telling someone about our mini-love-lessons???

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: How do you feel about someone else who is hunting for love targeting you as the goal of their hunt – do you feel turned on, happy, flattered, curious, angry, worried, scared or what?

Related posts:

1. Listening With Love – Are You Good At It?
2. Self Talk for Improving Love
3. How Receiving Love Well Gives Love Better
4. Can Love the Second Time Around Be Better Than the First?
5. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill 

Attitude Gifts of Love

Mini-Love-Lesson #294

Synopsis: Here we encounter attitudes as a choice rather than just reactions; furthermore attitudes that are healthful to ourselves, our love ones and our love relationships.
To be met with a smile, a cheery hello or open arms is to be met with an attitudinal love gift.  To be around an up person on most average days is to experience daily, healthy doses of attitudinal love.  To encounter a person who is repeatedly, personally up on you is to be love nurtured repeatedly. 

What Are Attitudinal Love Gifts?

To adopt, present and maintain a demeanor that is positive, pleasing, cooperative, and copacetic to benefit your loved one’s well-being and moods are great attitudinal gifts of love.  Interacting with a countenance of loving kindness, compassion, happiness and equanimity are important examples of attitude love gifts also.  

It Is A Choice

Purposefully choosing to have a countenance of happiness on most days, a compassionate demeanor on difficult days and an attitude of caring composure during times of conflict can contribute greatly to healthy relationships.  Manifesting and maintaining a positive attitude can be learned and practiced by those who give time and effort to that worthy goal.  By doing so, an additional benefit is we will be more free of negative moods and their harmful, stressor effects.

When we think of a gift, commonly we think of an object in a box with a big bow.  As you can see, there are multiple other kinds of things to attend to.  

A Beneficial Love Gift To One’s Self

Don’t forget to give yourself loving, attitude gifts.  Sometimes we are just to darn hard on ourselves.  When we have a healthy, positive attitude toward ourselves, we accrue all kinds of healthy physical benefits.  Stress might be lowered and life enjoyed more.  Those we love possibly will want to spend more time with us and be happier in our presence.  Our love, work and play might happen without as many problems and may function better.  Positive psychology proposes that living life with a positive attitude benefits all concerned.

From the Buddhist teachings on love, much can be learned about attitudinal love gifts.

On difficult days, choose to give a genuine attitude of caring love.

On great days, choose to share an attitude of celebratory love.

On ordinary days, choose to spread an attitude gift of joyful, happy love.

One More Thing

How about telling someone about this mini-love-lesson and this website about love?  Spreading the positives about love really might make your world more love enriched. 

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: What is your usual countenance or most common demeanor given to those you care about most?

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Other recommended Mini-Love-Lessons related to Gift Love

A Best Gift of Love?

Rewarding Gifts of Love

Behaviors That Give Love – The Core Four

Yourself As a Great Source of Love Gifts

Conclusions, Confounding and Corrupting Your Love?

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson explores the questions – Are your conclusions your secret enemy, can two people see reality the same way, do you know if you are ‘conclusion-sabotaged’, and what to do instead of conclude and thereby avoid your love being conclusion-sabotaged.

Are Your Conclusions Your Secret Enemy?

Andrew concluded Barbara was cheating on him so he broke the relationship off.  Caroline concluded Doug was trying to suppress and control her so she began to lie and deceive him.  Edward concluded her family hated him and, therefore, she probably did too, so he gave up having anything to do with them and started having fights with her.  Fiona concluded she would never be good at sex, then she gave up on it.  George concluded Helen kept thinking about men with bigger penises than his and, therefore, she was dissatisfied with him, so he got depressed and felt hopelessly inadequate.

Inna concluded she did not have what it took to have and hold a man’s love, so she retreated into living alone and lonely.  Jeff concluded Kaylee reading romance novels meant she wanted somebody else, so he started spying on her.  Lorraine concluded Mike did not love her because he could never figure out what she wanted without her asking for it, so she started looking for love elsewhere.  Donald stopped talking to her when he concluded she never would listen to him because she always interrupted him.

It turned out all these different people’s conclusions were wrong.  And these conclusions helped destroy, or nearly destroy, relationships that might otherwise have worked better if the people making the conclusions were not so very certain they were so very right, so very often.  Even when some of their conclusions were partially right, holding so firmly to those conclusions blocked them from being able to really hear any alternate or differing perceptions or opinions from their loved ones.  This resulted in them being strongly sabotaged and destructive to having love-filled interactions.  More than one disheartened person, breaking up with another, has said something like, “You think you’re always so right; You are wrong, and that’s why I’m done with you.”

Can Two People See Reality the Same Way?

Phenomenologists,, including those psychologists and brain scientists who study how we perceive and understand what we perceive, have concluded that the answer is emphatically NO!  No two people understand anything exactly the same way.  Every perception of reality in one mind/brain is at least in some small and perhaps important way, different from every other mind/brain.  When you get deeply into it, you find out every person thinks and feels at least a little bit differently than every other person about everything.  Here are some common examples of how we do not experience reality the same as others.  Food that is good on one person’s tongue is not on another’s.

In the same room, one person feels cold, and another hot and a third just right.  The colors you see are not exactly the colors anyone else sees according to vision research.  If your perceptions and understandings of how simple things like these are different, think how different you are from others concerning complicated things.  This means your truth is not other people’s, and their truth is not yours, at least not exactly.  Just like our fingerprints are not exactly the same as anyone else’s, so too are our thoughts and feelings.  At least that is what the preponderance of scientific evidence indicates.

You may be rather right about something, but someone else may be more right, or essentially also right but from a very different perspective.  That means what you have concluded is obviously true and perhaps, to you, simple to see and understand but it can and will likely be seen differently by someone else.  Also many things may be legitimately perceived by others as contradictory to what you perceive and understand.  Looking from different perspectives, you both may be right, but without each other’s perspective you may come into conflict with each other.  Remember, the blind man who holds the trunk of the elephant, and the blind man who holds the tusk, hold very different realities about what an elephant is.  Both still have a lot to learn about what they are so certain is ‘the truth’ about what an elephant is.  Sometimes you and I, and everyone are a blind man.

Consider these often passionately held conclusions: “all men cheat”, “ a good man will never cheat”, “ all women will cheat if they can cheat upwardly”, really good women don’t cheat because they don’t like sex anyway”, “cheating only matters in societies where the people are sexually insecure”, “cheating can make some marriages better”, “cheating is always destructive to every relationship”, “only those weak in character cheat”, “cheating requires bravery and boldness and is most frequently done by the strong and successful”, “cheating is trashy and low class”, “cheating is a privilege commonly afforded to the upper classes and the wealthy”, “open marriage means never having to cheat”, “open marriage means your cheating all the time”, “cheating is always an extremely important issue”, “cheating for lots of people in many parts of the world is just not a very important issue”.

There are people who hold each of these conclusions to be true, and they can present evidence to support their position.  Some would say there is some truth in each of those statements.  Others would say each of those conclusions is true for some people and not for others.  Still others might say what is cheating to one person is not to another.  Interestingly, even when two or more people hold any one of these conclusions they may choose to act very differently from one another because of that conclusion.  But, of course, whatever you think about cheating is absolutely right, and without question, and should be considered obviously and completely true by everyone else.

Do You Know If You Are ‘Conclusion Sabotaged’?

“I know you’re upset with me.”  “You did that just to get back at me.”  “I know exactly how you feel.”  “I know what you’re thinking.”  “You never change.”  “I know perfectly well why you did that.”  “I know it didn’t happen that way, so you must be lying.”   All these kind of statements indicate the likelihood that collusion-sabotage is occurring.  It is sabotage to a relationship if you think or talk this way, because these types of declarations all represent the likelihood of being blind to alternate possibilities.

Thinking that way makes you vulnerable to negative surprises.  If you are communicating with these types of conclusionary statements, you are likely to be coming across as close minded, dogmatic and dictatorial.  That usually is very sabotaging because it frequently helps people want to either prove you wrong, or hide their truths from you, and eventually distance themselves from you.

Listen to how different these ways of saying the same ideas might be said.  “I’m guessing you’re upset with me, and I’d like to check that out.  What are you feeling?”  “Could it be that you did that because you want to get back at me for something you think I did?”  “I think I have felt things sort of like what you’re feeling, so I kind of understand what you’re going through, and I care.”  “Let me guess what maybe you’re thinking.

Then tell me if I’m close, or if there is an alteration needed so I can really understand you.”  “I have ideas about why you may have done that, but suppose you tell me what you think.”  Both thinking and talking in this more open and exploratory way, more frequently, leads to better communication and improving relationships.  So the good news is, if you or a loved one are conclusion-sabotaging, you can change to a way that  usually is more harmonious, connecting, complete, accurate and successful.  It also is a more loving way of going about things with a loved one.

What to Do Instead of Conclude?

The first thing to do is to ‘own up’ to the fact that you are human and humans frequently have blind spots, jump to false conclusions, become solidly sure of things that are not true, have problems with accuracy, and seldom are great at seeing the larger picture.  Humans also distort their perceptions of reality by way of their own past experiences, their own inner needs, what was modeled for them growing up and by conclusion-drawing-systems trained into them by family and culture.  Furthermore, humans usually don’t know that there memories tend to change over time.  Since your human, you are subject to all of that, so it will behoove you to stay aware that what you think and conclude may be improved on.

The second thing to do is to change your conclusions into ‘guesses’.  They may be excellent, well-informed guesses, frequently spot-on guesses, and guesses that may have worked very well for you in the past, but none of that means your next conclusion (‘guess’) is right.  Suspect the Bible is right when it says “we see through a glass darkly”.  You can hold strongly to your guesses so long as you are open to hearing alternate possibilities, and open to receiving new and different input.

If you think and talk with the idea that you are making estimations, possibly flawed judgments, and at best only tentative conclusions, your thinking and your communicating likely will work better.  If you turn all your conclusions into hypotheses, often best checked out with the input of others who think differently than you; then take the input you get into account, and see if you can improve or elaborate on what you think; my guess is that things may go smoother in you communications with loved ones if you so this – so try it, OK?

The third thing to do is gamble on ‘your best guess’ and do it with strong confidence but know it is a gamble.  You are human, therefore, you may be mistaken, wrong, insufficiently accurate, right in some part but not in another, in need of more data, ill-informed, or only partially knowledgeable.  You may wish to abide by the adage that says “only God knows, and the rest of us are guessing as best we can”. With this approach we often are able to become much more open, democratic, accepting, tolerant, searching, and likely to arrive at better conclusion-guesses.  We also are much less likely to be conclusion-sabotaging, or let other’s conclusion-sabotage occur.  Now know, you don’t have to conclude that any of this is true!

If you hit an impasse with a loved one and can not understand or accept a differing view, I suggest saying, without rancor, “We just see that (or remember that) differently”, and mean it, not concluding one of you is right and the other is wrong.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
What do you think of the statement that says “You can be right, or in a relationship – but not both at the same time”?

Related posts:

1. Checking It Out – As a Love Skill 

Quality Love, Quality Life?

Synopsis: This mini-love-lessons starts with an important life quality question; then goes on to a real life case; questions of “The most important factor?”, “What biology tells us about love”, then what constitutes high-quality love; and achievement of high love/life quality.

Is Your Life Quality Determined by Your Love Quality?

A growing body of evidence points to the quality and quantity of love in your life having a whole lot to do with the all over quality of your life. 

High-quality life means you are deeply pleased with the way your life is going, often happy, physically and mentally (especially mentally) healthy, successful and productive, and generally can be considered to be enjoying an enriched, growing and satisfied life.  Without sufficient amounts of these factors and feelings, life can be evaluated as being of mediocre to poor, or worse quality.  Overtly, life can look to be of high quality but covertly it may actually be quite problematic and of low quality.

Here is an example.  Milton was by all accounts a big success.  He had good health, money, status, influence, a record of outstanding accomplishments, peer and community respect, a seemingly ideal family and a whole lot more.  Milton, however, was deeply unhappy.

Two psychiatrists diagnosed Milton as depressed and prescribed various psychiatric medicines which did nothing, or apparently made his condition even worse.  It was not until a new therapist got Milton to examine the love factor in his life that things started to change for the better.  He began to see how loveless his life really was.  His nice marriage to a ‘trophy wife’ had no genuine love in it. Milton’s relationship with his children was distant at best. Friendships were all superficial.  Milton’s dealings with his parents and other family were only perfunctory.

Worst of all, Milton’s feelings for himself were summed up with the words “not good enough”.  His feelings about life, spiritual factors, meaning and purpose were merely mild as far as he could tell.  Milton had felt loved by his grandparents and deeply mourned their passing when he was in his twenties.  The fact that he once had felt loved is probably what had kept him going long after they were no longer in his life.  Now, however, he came to suspect he was in a state of serious love malnutrition, and that was ruining the quality of his life.  He saw it might even destroy his life if he didn’t do something about it.  Milton then went into several forms of counseling and therapy.

Marriage counseling was a great success because it led to a very amicable divorce and then to him later meeting a woman he could really love and who could truly love him.  Family counseling led to far better, love-filled, improved connections with his children.  Group therapy opened him to finding and growing real friendships, and individual therapy resulted in increasing healthy self-love.  It took a long time and a lot of hard emotional work but it was worth it!  Milton now says he loves life, and he now leads an exceptionally high quality life, full of healthy, real love while before he only had the trappings of a quality life.  He also jokingly says he doesn’t think he could get depressed even if he tried.

Is Love the Most Important Factor?

Milton’s experience may not be relative for everyone.  Certainly other factors besides love can make a great deal of difference to a person’s quality of life.  Physical health problems, severe poverty, war, crime, injustice, profound failure and loss, etc. all can greatly invade and have their destructive influence on one’s quality of life.  However, it may be that having high-quality, healthy, real love in one’s life may be the very most important factor in many people’s life.  Maybe yours?

There are many examples of people having all sorts of difficult problems but having ample, high-quality love in their life often makes the difference as to whether they felt they did or did not have a good life.  There also are countless examples where people having what they considered a bad life experienced it all changing for the better when healthy, real love came into their life.

There also is evidence pointing to various forms of false love, mediocre love and infrequently expressed or demonstrated love being correlated with or leading to a lesser and sometimes diminishing quality of life.

What Biology Tells Us about Love?

We learned that healthy, real love is biologically important when it was discovered in pediatrics that infants physically die of ‘failure to thrive’ illnesses when they do not experience the behaviors that convey love in their first year of life, even though they are well fed and well taken care of physically.  We learned this again when it was discovered in developmental psychology that infrequently loved children become what was diagnosed as psycho-social dwarfism i.e. the tendency not to physically grow except when being behaviorally loved.  These results were laboratory confirmed in animal comparative psychology when Harry Harlow’s experiments with infant monkeys got very similar results.

We learned this again when in rehabilitation medicine it was discovered that people in good i.e. well loved marriage, family and friendship relationships, recover from wounds, disabling accidents and debilitating illnesses far faster and far more often than those lacking such relationships (when all other factors are essentially equal).  The preponderance of evidence in these and other fields such as social psychology, the brain sciences, psychoneuroimmunology, medical sociology, etc. points to the arguable conclusion that both the quantity and quality of love in your life greatly effects a great deal about the quality and even the length of your life.

What is High-Quality Love?

One way to understand high-quality love is to look at the five major functions of healthy, real love.  When there is strong quality love frequently given or shown, both the receiver and the giver of that love are thought to experience the benefits of those five functions sufficiently and often in abundance (See the mini-love-lesson “A Functional Definition of Love”).

First, high-quality love can be seen to provide us with a sense of full and satisfying, often intimate, and a very personal connection with others.  In the absence of this connectedness there can grow a sense of both aloneness and loneliness, personal isolation, depleting emotional distance and disconnection.

Second, high-quality love can be seen to provide us with substantial safeguarding, looked after by loving others.  With safeguarding from loved ones, can come a sense of greater security and safety.  Without this safeguarding there is greater endangerment, sometimes accompanied by a sense of insecurity, apprehension and anxiety.

Third, with quality love there are efforts to help us improve, grow and generally be better than we were in a wide variety of ways.  With that can grow the sense that our improvements in any and all areas are important, wanted, encouraged, assisted and enjoyed by those who love us.  This, psychologically, both nourishes and nurtures us and helps us feel personally affirmed and meaningfully supported.  Without it there can be feelings of insignificance, abandonment, lack of personal importance to another, negation and dis-affirmation.  Without such efforts our all over improvement in life tends to be less supported, less sustained and generally hampered compared to those who have improvement assistance from their loved ones.

Fourth, quality love has a healing effect both mentally and physically. When we are physically or emotionally hurt, harmed, sick, disabled or in any way in need of healing, we heal more, faster and better when we experience being loved.  Part of this is that our loved ones take better care of us.  Another part of it is that feeling loved stimulates our self-healing mechanisms to operate better.  Another part of this healing effect of love is mysterious and perhaps spiritual or metaphysical.  Those without healthy, real, quality love in their life are thought to heal slower and less thoroughly.  It is also thought that their chances of survival with life threatening illnesses are less.

Fifth, real and healthy quality love is understood to reward our love actions, feelings, thoughts and our love receptions with greater happiness and often deep, profound, inner joy well beyond that of those who do not experience much quality, real love in their lives.  Fake and false forms of love apparently can and do provide initial or erratic, short-lived happiness and even occasional ecstasy, but this then fades or turns to agony.

Quality Love in Your Life Can Greatly Improve!

Like most other arenas of life, the arena of love in its many forms and types can be an arena of your functioning in which you purposefully improve.  You may be working at doing just that right now by reading this mini-love-lesson.  Of course you have to do a lot more than read.  You have to put into practice what you read about doing.  Unfortunately, there is a broad, cultural training which teaches the presence and quality of love in your life depends on being lucky or on some other force outside yourself and not on your own efforts.  Like everything else of importance, luck can play a role but your best chance of succeeding at love and having high-quality, real love depends mostly on your own ability to explore, experiment, study and develop your own love abilities.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: Would you rate the quality of your life and the quality of love in your life to be ‘at the same level’, ‘improving’, ‘holding steady’ or ‘worsening’?

Related posts:

1. Getting Healthy, Real Love in Your Life
2. Self-Love – What Is It?
3. Is Love a Value?