Contemplating Love

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson first introduces you to the value of contemplating love by way of some mind-tickling and significant questions; then touches on a few super sources for love contemplation; next comes contemplative wisdom and trash; and ends with five starter, love-based conceptions likely to be well worth contemplating.

The Questions of Love

Do you give love much thought?  Lots of people don’t until it goes away or turns out to be false.  Perhaps you have pondered what love really is?  Or maybe you puzzled over how love works?  Do you ponder about how to tell the real thing from the false?  What do you think of love’s reported ability to heal physical and psychological illness?  Have you tried to figure out how one gets, gives, grows, loses, destroys, recaptures, sends, receives or benefits from love?  Yes, there are a great many questions when contemplating love and probably in doing so can significantly improve one’s life of love.  As might be expected, those who don’t give love much thought seem to be the ones who commonly run into all sorts of love troubles and big love failures.

You also can contemplate lots of questions concerning yourself and love.  Are you well loved?  Do you love well?  Have you ever thought about your own love skills?  Are your love skills poor, average or superior?  Are you skilled at integrating love and sex?  How about integrating love and parenting?  Then there’s integrating love and friendship?  Are you good at healthy self-love?  You have heard phrases like love of country, love of God, love of life, etc.  But do you know what actions to take to accomplish those kinds of love?  Are you a person who relies more on love luck, or are you someone who develops your own abilities to act with love?  Do others see you as a loving person, and do you see yourself as a person of love?

Contemplating love regarding others also is important.  Does she or he love me?  Do my children really love me?  Do I have friends who genuinely love me?  Do my family members love each other well or poorly?  Do you associate with people who love well, are love skilled and love oriented?  Are the people in your life mostly anti-loving and/or non-love oriented?  Contemplating these types of questions just might change your life.

What the Greats Have Said

Another way to contemplate love is to study and give consideration to the writings of philosophers, religious leaders and the great thinkers that have preceded us.  Socrates, Aristotle and especially Plato, who wrote his famous Symposium on Love, had a lot to say about love.  Teachings, concepts and ideas about love can be found in all the Scriptures of the world’s great religions.  Jesus, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Rumi, Krishna, Confucius and many other great religious masters have taught a great deal concerning love.  More contemporary great minds in a wide variety of scientific, research, human services and many other fields also have contemplated love and produced highly worthy and influential volumes on love.  So, you might want to do some reading to assist your contemplations.

Wisdom and Trash

The largest number of ideas about love contemplated by the largest number of people probably comes from songwriters, poets, novelists, playwrights and the like.  Love stories are thought by some to be the very first written works.  For ages it was only those in the arts who tried to convey understandings concerning love.  Not only writers but painters and sculptors have presented much that can produce meaningful and inspirational contemplations concerning love.  Some of this is very wise, helpful, healthy, useful and right.  Unfortunately, a great deal of it can be considered trash, wrong, stupid, misleading and downright destructive.  But that also is true of many of the ideas presented by the supposed great thinkers, writers, etc.

So, it is by contemplation that one may sort out some of the trash from the jewels of wisdom that actually can do you and your loved ones some good.  For example, consider this.  Many a love story and love song has reinforced the idea that love is jealous.  The teachers and Scriptures of several religions definitively teach “love is not jealous”.  Which one is right?  Which one is wise and which one is more likely to lead you astray, and best be considered trash?  Perhaps you will want to contemplate that!

Starter Things to Contemplate about Love

Below are some statements involving love which you may enjoy thinking about, or in other words, contemplating.  It’s perfectly all right to not believe them, disagree or agree, or to go off on some tangent.  You also might want to think them over, out loud, with someone else.  That’s another way to help contemplation, by discussion.  See what you think about these ideas.

1. Hate destroys the hater
Indifference dulls the indifferent
Love makes better the loved and the loving.

2. Healthy, real love is always about and for the benefit of the loved.

It is only false love that can turn to wanting to hurt, harm and destroy.

3. Love is the greatest of all naturally occurring phenomena, but how to do it, give it,   get it and grow it takes lots of learning.

4. Two things get better and bigger by giving them away, ideas and love.

5. How well and how much you do healthy self-love will effect how much and how well you get healthy real love from others, and how well your love relationships will do overall.

Now, I suggest you contemplate the above statements and above questions as a way to get started on practicing love contemplation, and see where it leads you.  I think you may be quite pleased with the results you get.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
What is the most important, influential and significant thing ever said to you, or read by you, about love?

Related posts:

1. How Smart Is Your Love? – A Test 

Can We Love Too Much?

Synopsis: This mini love lesson on whether we can love too much starts with two brief case examples of the problem of big hearts that eventually empty out; then presents a cure for the problem; and an answer to the core question; what must be unlearned and learned is discussed; an understanding of needless self-sacrifice is woven in; and closes with an “I win, you win, nobody loses” approach and goal.

Big Hearts That Empty-out

Gloria had a big heart.  She gave, and gave, and gave to those she liked and loved.  The trouble was, no one gave her much love.  Nevertheless, she just tried harder and harder, sacrificing herself for everyone.  She occasionally got some appreciation and thanks, but not much.  Then one day she collapsed.  She literally had ‘given out’.  When it came time for her to leave the hospital, she didn’t want to go back to her marriage, her family, her friends or her work.  She was pretty sure she would just do what she done before and that would lead to another breakdown and collapse.

In the hospital Gloria met Jake, who pretty much had the same story except with a little different last part.  He had given too much of his time, energy, money and everything else he had to those in need and those he loved.  Just like Gloria, he didn’t get much back.  Sometimes Jake complained a bit and he often wondered why he felt so empty.  Then a day came when he just stopped doing for others, but he did that differently than Gloria.  He suddenly started ranting and raving.  He broke things, threatened and cussed at everyone including his priest, and he scared a nun half to death at the hospital.  Then he was overcome with guilt and shame.  Like Gloria, he also did not want to go home because he thought it would all repeat and he would suffer the same consequences.

Had Gloria and Jake loved too much?  Some family and friends said that was the problem?  Can we be too loving and too good to those we love and care about?  Can we run out of the love?  Isn’t love supposed to work like thoughts – the more you give them away the more you have?

The Answer and the Cure

Gloria and Jake found the cure to their problems and answers to these questions in counseling.  There they discovered, learned and deeply digested a new way to understand a very old teaching.  They both learned that they must do a far better job of attending to the second part of the 3000 year old teaching that tells us “to love others AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!”  In essence, Gloria and Jake had not loved others too much, they just hadn’t loved themselves enough as they went about loving others.  With the help of loving and wise counselors, Gloria and Jake were guided in learning the skills of healthy self-love, and how to ‘add it to’ and ‘integrate it’ with their way of giving love to others.

Basically, the answer to the question “can we love too much is?” is this.  We cannot love too much, but we can love unwisely, in imbalanced ways, in corrupted and contaminated ways, and in dysfunctional ways.  We also can do several forms of false love, thinking that it is real love (See Forms of False Love Identified, discussed and listed in the Titles index, under F of this website).

Necessary Un–Learning and New Learning

It wasn’t easy for Gloria and Jake.  The hardest part was to unlearn lifelong training in ‘putting themselves last’ and instead ‘holding themselves to be of equal importance’ to others.  Learning to treat the self well, giving one’s own self equal care, energy and time (except in true emergencies) and not feel guilty about it was also tough.  At first Gloria felt quite selfish, just like she had been trained to feel.  Then slowly she experienced and saw others and herself, both benefit more by adding healthy self-love to her way of going about life.  Jake came to the realization that in the long-run, he had more to offer others by way of learning the ‘how to’s’ of healthy self-love added to the love of others.

Destructive Self-sacrifice

It was painful for Gloria and Jake to learn that much of their self-sacrifice was needless, and sometimes even harmful to others.  It sometimes got in the way of people learning to do for themselves, and occasionally it had a weakening effect on those they cared about.  It also could promote unhealthy dependency tendencies, and once in a while worked to just reward others for being takers.  They saw that by giving people a chance to do for themselves, they helped them build self-confidence and self-reliance.  They learned to come to the aid of others much more cautiously, and wisely, and mostly after those they cared about had made their own considerable efforts.  But this was new, strange and surprisingly difficult for both Gloria and Jake at first, but they did get the hang of it and they increasingly grew to like these new, more successful ways of loving.

The ‘I Win, You Win, Nobody Loses’ Goal

Loving others and putting myself last makes it more likely I will be the loser.  Loving myself first and foremost and treating others as less or last makes them likely to be the losers.  However, if ‘I love myself as I love others’ there is a much better chance for us all to be winners and there be no losers.  This, I suggest, may be the secret wisdom and goal of the ancient teaching – Love others AS you love yourself.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question

Right now, can you think of any way to offer love to someone else, and at the same time give yourself some love?

Is Your Affirmational Love Enough?

 

Mini-Love-Lesson # 275

Synopsis:  The importance of stating and demonstrating love by way of affirmational behaviors; a three-step process for doing affirmational love; the importance of being real; 11 hints for talking affirmationally to your loved ones; and a surprisingly numerical answer to the question “how much affirmational love is enough?” are all quickly called to your attention in this valuable mini -love-lesson.

Affirmational love charges our batteries.  It is crucial for high functioning, long-lasting relationships.  Research shows couples who utilize best practices of affirmation typically stay together happily.

It also is known to strengthen love bonds.  If affirmational love is bestowed and well received, often it results in a loved one’s increased self-confidence and subsequent accomplishments.  

Affirmation is a beautiful tool to aid the cycling of love.  When we feel appreciation, it can lead to doing affirmational loving.  When affirmations are absorbed, often there is an impetus to send back an affirming response.  An affirmation is like a stamp of approval which recognizes attributes and honors them (see “Communicating Better with Love: Mini Lessons”).

Three Steps To Affirmational Love

Affirmational love just takes three simple steps.  First notice, second appreciate and third affirm.  First we notice something positive or likeable in a loved one.  These can be characteristics or behaviors that catch our attention or something we discover when purposefully looking for qualities that we genuinely appreciate.  Next we delight in this aspect of our loved one and appreciate how it is an intrinsic part of their being.  Then, that motivates us to share our appreciation in affirmational words or actions. 

Sometimes these three steps are quick and rather automatic, at other times they may be more complicated.  If what we see and appreciate is of deep significance or major importance, finding the right words or deeds to carry our affirmational love may take more time and effort.  Remember that affirmational love is one of the crucial ways to communicate our love and enhance our relationships for quality and longevity, so, it is well worth whatever time and effort we put into it.

Here is a little example.  Suppose you notice one of the people you love being kind to a child.  You pause for a short time, quietly appreciating their kindness.  Then with tender tones you say, “Watching how kind you were to that child, really touched my heart”.  You accompany those heartfelt words with a gentle hug.  By doing these simple things, you probably have helped yourself and your loved one feel good.  Incidentally, you probably have reinforced their tendency to be kind.

It also is likely they will want to be with you just a bit more.  With this positive affirmation, they may feel stronger and their self-image may get a boost.   Your heartfelt connection with your loved one likely has been nourished and bolstered.  Another boon is that you and your loved one probably will function, psycho-biologically, more healthfully – at least a tiny bit.  Had you just noticed and appreciated but not done the affirmation, you would have benefitted but your loved one would not have known of your appreciation, nor benefitted from your affirmation.  Relationships also benefit significantly when affirmational love is performed often and well.

Being Real

Affirmation rests on authenticity and sincerity.   If our affirmations are perceived as credible and realistic they will encourage trust in us and what we are asserting.  If our affirmations are perceived as genuine, they can be relied on, whether or not the recipient perceives in themselves the affirmed quality.  

When affirmations are seen as false, fake or unrealistic, they get discounted.  The person making a phony affirmation loses credibility and may be judged as untrustworthy.  Even if the motivation is to improve or advance a relationship, making false affirmations is like building a relationship on feet of clay -  it likely will topple in the first storm.  Link “Talking Styles That Hurt and Help Love”

Positive affirmational love can encourage hope, especially when someone is facing a difficult challenge.  It sends the messages, “you’re not alone”, “I’ve got your back” or “you can do it”.  Be careful not to overstate your affirmation because the affirmation is to help a person find strength in themselves.  Plus, if it is not seen as plausible, it will do little or no good.    Heartfelt affirmations ring true.

Hints for Talking Affirmationally

1. Avoid lingering in the past tense, instead affirm mostly in the present and future tense.   

2. Avoid negative words like no, never, don’t, won’t, can’t and not.  

3. Avoid negative implication words and phrases like lose, quit, stop, get rid of, get away from.  

4. Avoid words that focus on or imply an absence like saying “I  want”, “I wish”, “I would like” – these can suggest that a person  lacks something.

5. Avoid drawing attention to a problem more than to a solution.  

6. Be careful with comparison words like more, greater, less, better, and worse.

7. Be careful with ambiguous words, specific words work better.

8. Use positive emotion words.

9. If possible, be pithy with brevity.

  10. Use plausible phrases and positive words.

  11. Be personal.  Use the words “I”, “I am”, “You”, “You are”, “We are” and avoid the           impersonal.

How Much Affirmational Love Is Enough?

There is a host of research pointing to 5 love-positive communications to every 1 love-negative communication being optimal for keeping a spousal or heartmate love relationship well functioning (See the book, Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love by Dr. John Gottman).  Others think a 3 to1 ratio may do well enough, especially in demanding situations.  Then there are those whose studies suggest first it would be good to include evaluating the neutral communications, along with the positive and negative, before making a comparison.  There is, it seems, some evidence which suggests that more than 5 neutral to 1 positive may cause an erosion effect on a love relationship.

A question has arisen about whether a neutral message actually is a minor negative when it comes to love?  One elaboration of the 5 to 1 rule suggests both positive and negative communications must first be evaluated as to their strengths i.e. mild, moderate or strong, before comparing them.  It may be 3 mild communications equal 1 moderate, and 2 moderates make 1 strong communication, or something like that.  As you can see it can get rather complicated.

Generally the 5 to1 rule seems backed up by the most research.  7 or more positives to 1 negative may start to be too much and indicate relational devaluation of positives might occur.  If there are an equal number of negatives and positives, or if negatives outnumber the positives, that suggests that dysfunction and approaching breakup of a relationship is getting more likely.

So, now we suggest you ask yourself this question.  Do your love-positive outputs to your loved ones (praises, compliments, smiles, hugs, kisses, squeezes and so forth) outnumber your negative outputs (criticisms, scowls, gripes, growls, putdowns, complaints and the like) at the, more or less, 5 to 1 ratio?

Deeply and sincerely affirming the worth, importance and nature of those you love, definitely is a best practice of love.  Frequently sending affirmational statements and actions greatly advances the vitality and quality of love relationships.  In our experience, learning and using affirmational love nurtures and inspirits love connections.

One more little thing: are you going to talk over the ideas you have just read with someone.  If you do, it probably will enrich your to do so, at least a bit.  If you do that, please mention where they came from at this website and, thereby, spread some love knowledge around.  Thank you.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: Did you grow up with enough loving affirmation of your being and doings, at whatever the amount, and what effect did it have on you?

Additive Talking – A Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini love lessons starts with an explanation of additive talking and subtractive talking; shows how truth need not be sacrificed for being additive; and then goes on to discuss the four major things that need to be focused on to make your talking with loved ones additive and not subtractive or neutral.

Add, Subtract or Zero

When you are talking with someone you love, is most of your talking additive, subtractive or neutral; do you know?  Additive talking and communication tends to enrich and strengthen love relationships.  It also usually helps the participant’s sense of well-being, assists both people to feel better for the experience of interacting, contributes to feeling personally enriched and stronger, and assists both in feeling positive about and toward each other.

Furthermore, it brings a sense that relating to each other is of value and it is worthwhile.  Subtractive communication does exactly the opposite.  Neutral, or ‘zero’ type communication as it is sometimes called, tends to have zero or slightly negative, emotional impact effectiveness.  Every communication you have with a person, especially in more personal relations, is thought to have an additive, subtractive or neutral effect in the limbic system of the brain.

The Truth and the Additive

Communicating your truth, the facts as you see them, your opinions, perceptions and understandings, etc. can be conveyed in ways to make your communications more lovingly additive without altering the essence of those truths.  Remember, all things can be said with love.  Plus, making your communications more additive is very likely to assist your loved ones improve their reception of your messages.  Subtractive communication tends to be tuned out, automatically resisted, devalued and discounted.  It also may cause your loved one to avoid you or be argumentative.  Neutral communication may be perceived as impersonal, emotionally distant and sometimes non-loving, mechanical, dull, boring and of little personal consequence.

Four Things to Focus On

When talking with a loved one is your talk usually making the relationship grow, shrink or neither?  If you want to be additive and help your love relationship grow, there are four things to focus on.  Each of these four things can make your talk additive and, therefore, more positive, powerful and effective.

First is your word usage style and habits.
Everyone has one or more talking styles.  Some talking styles are love constructive, others are love destructive and still others are love neutral.
Second is your voice usage characteristics.
This includes things like voice tones, volume, speed of talking, accent and pronunciation clarity.
Third is your motion/emotion presentation.
This involves your facial expressions, gestures and posture messages – all are likely perceived and interpreted subconsciously by a loved one who is listening to you.
Fourth is the subject matter you tend to talk about.

If your topics are perceived as interesting, fun, enriching, etc. you probably are talking in an additive way.  If they are seen as ‘downers’, criticism, false, negative, etc. you probably are talking in a subtractive way.  Neutral talking can be okay, but too much of it tends to have a negative effect eventually.

If you want your communication with a loved one to be additive, positive, constructive, and have a really good effect you will do well to give thought to these four factors.

Word Usage Style and Habits

Most of us have a talking style which is similar to the one we experienced when we were growing up.  With purpose and practice it can be changed for the better.  Here are some common examples to help you understand what is meant by word usage style and habits.  If you ‘gripe and complain’ more than you ‘praise and compliment’ you may have a more subtractive than additive style.  If your habit is to start statements with the word “no”  that is likely to have a minor, subtractive effect.  If you commonly mention more things that are focused on defeat, trauma, tragedy and downer topics than ‘up’, positive topics, your habitual word usage style slowly is likely to have a cumulative, subtractive effect.

If you commonly include talk about your loved one’s successes, attributes, victories, positive growth, etc. more than you mention your loved one’s deficiencies, difficulties, shortcomings and failures, etc. your style is likely to be having an additive effect.  If you repeatedly practice replacing the word “but” with the word “and” you will have a surprisingly good, minor, additive impact.  For example, instead of saying “OK, but don’t ask me to do that again”, you might say “OK, and I would like us to find another way to do that next time”.  If you learn to have a speech habit which includes frequently saying things like “as I see it…”, “my memory is…”, “I may be wrong, however, my perception is…” you are likely to be additive.  If you start your statements with the word “you”  followed by an affirmation or compliment you are being additive.

If you start your statements with word “you” followed by mentioning a deficiency, a shortcoming, a mistake, etc. you probably are being subtractive.  There are hundreds of other problematic or additive speech style factors.  Hopefully these examples can give you some idea of what to look for in your own speech style and habits.

Voice Characteristics

Some people sound angry when they are not; others sound wimpy and some others sound indifferent.  Some just lack practice sounding loving,  kind, pleasant, cooperative, etc..   Some people are really good at sounding tender, sweet, powerfully caring, etc; this probably is because they have worked at it.  You can too.

Motion/Emotion Presentation

Are you good at smiling at your loved ones?  Do you greet them with open arms?  When talking, do you look straight into your loved one’s face and often nod as you hear what they are telling you?  A great many facial expressions, gestures and posture changes can convey that you are emotionally positive toward the person you are talking with and that can send a very additive, emotionally positive message to them as they talk.  ‘Stone faced’ non-expression usually is interpreted as something negative and, therefore, is subtractive.  Scowling, frowning, rolling your eyes, and most of all hate looks can be very subtractive.  Similarly, clenching your fists, turning your back, pounding your fist, stomping off and the like usually are subtractive.

Additive Subject Matter

Are the subjects you usually talk about with your loved ones more frequently helping them feel good or feel not good.  This is a matter of balance.  Talk that is additive to a love relationship needs to occur more often than subtractive talking.  Additive subject matter can be affirmational, appreciative, uplifting, intriguing, fun, positive, laudatory, joyful and best of all loving.  This doesn’t mean serious, problematic and more downer topics are to be completely avoided.  It just means that it usually is best for them to be in the minority.

When the Negative Is Additive

There are times when subject matter may be about something painful or problematic but the way of talking about it is quite additive.  Offering emotional support, commiseration, shared angry venting, joint catharsis and voicing care are examples of this.  Talking in ways that attempt to dodge painful topics, difficult feelings and the like, sometimes can be quite subtractive.  However, if dodging the difficult gives relief sometimes it may be additive.  Semi-sarcastic putdown humor, kidding, reverse meaning statements, etc. can be additive if the person hearing them knows how to take them as such.

Hopefully this mini-love-lesson will help you add additive talking to your repertoire of  love skills and bring you and others much that is lovingly positive.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Are the people you commonly associate with more additive, or subtractive, or how do you experience the way they communicate and what effect does that have on you ?

Related posts:

1. Talking to Feelings First, Then Topics – A Love Skill
2. Requesting Not Expecting – A Love Skill
3. Listening with Love
4. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
5. Non-Defensiveness – A Love Skill 

Sex Fears Mastered with Love

Synopsis:  This mini-love-lesson first presents the harm that sex fears do to individuals and couples; and then goes on to review the many faces of sexual fears both, conscious and subconscious; talks about things not to do; and much more.

The Harm Sex Fears Do

Samuel and Sarah are breaking up mostly because of their fears related to sex.  Sarah dreads even thinking or talking about some new sexual activities Samuel wants them to experiment with.  Samuel secretly fears he is not sexually ‘man enough’ or sexy enough to keep turning Sarah on, so he wants to attempt some new, exciting, erotic things he has been hearing about.  Both Sarah and Samuel are too afraid to openly and honestly talk with each other about their sex fears.  Consequently, on the increasingly rare times when they try to make love, Sarah tightens up with fear.  That in turn makes attempting intercourse painful for Sarah.

Sensing Sarah’s reluctance, Samuel has begun to fear that he will say or do something that will turn Sarah off to him more, which he thinks seems to be happening.  This fearful worry is making him have trouble with maintaining erections.  Recently Samuel has started having premature ejaculation problems.  Because of those problems Samuel and Sarah are beginning to emotionally withdraw from one another.  They also have started to argue about all sorts of small things that really do not matter to either of them.  Therefore, they both are becoming increasingly sex and love malnourished in their relationship with each other.  Both have begun to secretly fantasize about how things could be better with someone new and different.

In desperation Samuel and Sarah went to a counselor.  It turned out the counselor did not know much about handling love relationship or sex problems; as that had not been a part of the counselor’s training.  However, the counselor was able to refer them on to a well qualified couple’s therapist who had also been trained in sex therapy.  Over a fairly short period of time this therapist artfully guided them to tap into their love for each other which gave them the courage to carefully, kindly and compassionately say the things they feared to say, in loving ways, and to accept the things they heard from one another, and later to do the erotic things they feared to do together before.  In the process Samuel and Sarah learned to develop and use a variety of new love skills, applying them to overcoming fear and greatly expanding their sex life together.

Unfortunately there are thousands and thousands of couples and individuals whose relationships are defeated, divided and destroyed because they do not know how to ‘use their love to master their fears’.  There are thousands more whose love and sex lives continue on but are hindered, hampered and harmed because they don’t know how to ‘use their love to master their fears related to sexuality’.

The Many Faces of Sex Fear

“I’m so afraid my wife doesn’t love me because I found her reading women’s porn and masturbating”.  “I’m scared he just wants me for sex”.  “I mask it well, but I’m really threatened by the idea that I may be sexually inadequate and inferior”.  “Since I got out of the hospital I am totally terrified to try sex again”.  “I guess I am a coward but I can’t bring myself to ask my husband to do the erotic things I want him to do to me and I’m just dying to try”.  “I get really shaky when I start thinking about my sexual performance not being as good as what my spouse experienced with others”.  “I sort of panic when I suspect my sex dreams and desires are actually very sick, wrong and sinful”.  “Even though I really want to, I just can’t bring myself to do the things my lover wants me to do”.  “If I get into sex the way I’d dearly like to, I fear I’ll get addicted to it, my husband will think I’m a slut, and God will hate me”.

These quotes represent just a fraction of the many life-limiting, sex-related fears people are struggling with and are consciously aware of.  But then there also are the unrecognized, subconscious, sex-related fears which may be doing more harm than the conscious ones.

Subconscious Sex Fears

Many couples’ love relationships are being crippled, or at least limited, by deep sexual, non-conscious fears and the ‘cousins’ of fear – anxiety, worry, apprehension, sense of threat, etc.  Subconscious fears often are rather complicated, confusing and a little harder to get to.  After some in-depth counseling, Beth said, “I finally admitted to myself that I get mad at my husband for one thing or another, whenever I think he might want sex.  Then we fight instead of having sex.  Something about having sex makes me fearful”.  “Looking way down inside me, I suspect I still believe sex is essentially bad, and I was taught no one will really love me if I’m bad”.   “Understanding it that way makes me feel I might be able to change it.  Now I think I might be able to by talk this over with my husband by asking him to choose to be extra loving as we work to get rid of this problem.  I think that may work”.

Bill stated, “I see it now.  What I’m actually upset about is not her looking at other men, it’s when she looks at me I irrationally think she will remember my penis is small and think those other men probably have bigger cocks than I do.  God, I hate to say that but when I say it, it feels true”.  Barbara related, “I’ve been denying the truth so much it’s coming out in my dreams.  Although I truly enjoy sex with my husband, I dream about having sex with other women.  I’m scared to ask but does that mean I’m really a lesbian, or maybe bisexual, or perhaps a sex addict who wants it with everybody?  If I am one of those things what will that mean for my marriage, and my family and everything about my life?  That’s really scary!”

Everyone can have, and just about everybody does have, or will have some sort of fear issues related to sex.  When it happens to you, you may be quite conscious of it or it may affect you in strange subconscious kinds of ways.  The good news is that with healthy self-love and/or the love of another, plus with some good inner-work you can master, overcome and defeat fear and its effects.  But take note, it also is good to be aware of some of the things not to do.

Things Not to Do

Don’t blame!  Don’t blame yourself, or your beloved, or your parents or anyone else.  Blaming seldom arrives at solution.  Don’t surrender!  Letting your fears have their way just gets in the way of developing the love skills and methods which help you get past your fears.  Don’t keep quiet!  In the most loving way you can, talk to your beloved if you have one, talk to non-judgmental friends, knowledgeable source people, helpers like counselors and therapists and talk to yourself in encouraging, self honoring ways.

If it is your beloved who is having the most obvious problem with fears, don’t come at them without lots of love showing.  Don’t use argumentative reasoning, logic and debate skills on them.  Don’t use sarcasm and ridicule, and especially don’t use any condemnation.  Don’t try to hint, suggest, use innuendo or in other ways ‘beat around the bush’ about the problem but rather ask for their loving help, while talking clearly and directly about the difficulty.  Don’t use anger, threats, manipulation deception, withdrawal, cold silence or anything else that might be anti-loving.

How Love Wins over Sex Fears

Listen to Joe and Jesse.  Joe asked Jesse to do a striptease for him.  Jesse replied she would like to be able to do that but she couldn’t because she was too afraid.  Joe with slow, soft kinds of tones in his voice reassuringly said it was okay if Jesse did not do that.  Then he asked her if she could share what her reluctance was all about.  With much hesitation and nervousness Jesse related that she thought she was too fat, and far too clumsy and awkward. She said, “Joe you will just laugh at me, and it would all end up as a great big turnoff”.  Joe tenderly suggested that they just dance together, and as they dance together they take each other’s clothes off.  Jesse replied she was still scared but that was something she could try if they turned down the lights.  That’s how they started.  A month later Jesse turned on stripper music and told Joe to just watch and applaud.  Then she danced and stripped for him, better than anything he had ever imagined.

How did this victory over fear happen?  Jesse and Joe approached each other, and the problem, gently but clearly with stated truth, mixed with tender caring love. Their love of each other led them to help each other take small, careful steps toward what was desired.  Jesse said Joe made it obvious that his love for her was a lot more important to him than his desire.  And that, she said, made her want to do what he wanted ever so much more, and gave her the courage to try.  She also related that her self-confidence and self-love improved in the process.  Joe says his love and respect for Jesse were already big, and now they were much bigger because she worked so very well with him about doing what he wanted.

How Fear Can Assist You

When you work with your fear, it can assist you.  Fear is in us to protect us but, like all human systems, it can overdo it, miss do it, under do it, and otherwise malfunction.  Fear tries to protect us from harm.  However, many things we are trained to fear have no real harm potential.  This is especially true in the area of sexuality.  As Jesse learned, taking off her clothes to music could not really harm her.  No bleeding, bruising or breakage would come from it.  However, not doing it might be a bit harmful to their relationship.  So, whatever you fear, assess the harm potential.  ‘Harm’, by the way, is not to be confused with its enemy ‘hurt’.  Hurt, like fear, warns you that harm may occur, so be careful.  Some sexual hurt may occur, much like what happens with exercise, and then turn out to be a good thing for you.

What to Do

The basic thing to do is study love and develop your skills for conveying, receiving and applying love.  Then use those skills of applying love to work on your own and your beloved’s fears.  Whatever you fear to do, for healthy self-love, assess the harm potential.  That may take some research.  If the harm-potential is nonexistent or not high, carefully explore and experiment toward what you fear.  Remember, many sexual things can be lovingly done best by playacting and shared fantasizing.

In good loving teamwork, help your beloved to do the same.  You might want to read the book Feel Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.  If your own efforts are not quickly getting you far enough, seek good professional assistance in the form of a love knowledgeable, couples therapist with sex therapy training and experience.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Sexually, what fear have you already overcome and what sexual related fear might you want to overcome next?

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2. Dealing With Love Hurts: Pain’s Crucial Guidance
3. Intercourse Absent Lovemaking – a Love Skill
4. Dealing with Love Hurts: A Dozen Love Hurts to Know and Grow From
5. Elder Love