Is Your Affirmational Love Enough?

 

Mini-Love-Lesson # 275

Synopsis:  The importance of stating and demonstrating love by way of affirmational behaviors; a three-step process for doing affirmational love; the importance of being real; 11 hints for talking affirmationally to your loved ones; and a surprisingly numerical answer to the question “how much affirmational love is enough?” are all quickly called to your attention in this valuable mini -love-lesson.

Affirmational love charges our batteries.  It is crucial for high functioning, long-lasting relationships.  Research shows couples who utilize best practices of affirmation typically stay together happily.

It also is known to strengthen love bonds.  If affirmational love is bestowed and well received, often it results in a loved one’s increased self-confidence and subsequent accomplishments.  

Affirmation is a beautiful tool to aid the cycling of love.  When we feel appreciation, it can lead to doing affirmational loving.  When affirmations are absorbed, often there is an impetus to send back an affirming response.  An affirmation is like a stamp of approval which recognizes attributes and honors them (see “Communicating Better with Love: Mini Lessons”).

Three Steps To Affirmational Love

Affirmational love just takes three simple steps.  First notice, second appreciate and third affirm.  First we notice something positive or likeable in a loved one.  These can be characteristics or behaviors that catch our attention or something we discover when purposefully looking for qualities that we genuinely appreciate.  Next we delight in this aspect of our loved one and appreciate how it is an intrinsic part of their being.  Then, that motivates us to share our appreciation in affirmational words or actions. 

Sometimes these three steps are quick and rather automatic, at other times they may be more complicated.  If what we see and appreciate is of deep significance or major importance, finding the right words or deeds to carry our affirmational love may take more time and effort.  Remember that affirmational love is one of the crucial ways to communicate our love and enhance our relationships for quality and longevity, so, it is well worth whatever time and effort we put into it.

Here is a little example.  Suppose you notice one of the people you love being kind to a child.  You pause for a short time, quietly appreciating their kindness.  Then with tender tones you say, “Watching how kind you were to that child, really touched my heart”.  You accompany those heartfelt words with a gentle hug.  By doing these simple things, you probably have helped yourself and your loved one feel good.  Incidentally, you probably have reinforced their tendency to be kind.

It also is likely they will want to be with you just a bit more.  With this positive affirmation, they may feel stronger and their self-image may get a boost.   Your heartfelt connection with your loved one likely has been nourished and bolstered.  Another boon is that you and your loved one probably will function, psycho-biologically, more healthfully – at least a tiny bit.  Had you just noticed and appreciated but not done the affirmation, you would have benefitted but your loved one would not have known of your appreciation, nor benefitted from your affirmation.  Relationships also benefit significantly when affirmational love is performed often and well.

Being Real

Affirmation rests on authenticity and sincerity.   If our affirmations are perceived as credible and realistic they will encourage trust in us and what we are asserting.  If our affirmations are perceived as genuine, they can be relied on, whether or not the recipient perceives in themselves the affirmed quality.  

When affirmations are seen as false, fake or unrealistic, they get discounted.  The person making a phony affirmation loses credibility and may be judged as untrustworthy.  Even if the motivation is to improve or advance a relationship, making false affirmations is like building a relationship on feet of clay -  it likely will topple in the first storm.  Link “Talking Styles That Hurt and Help Love”

Positive affirmational love can encourage hope, especially when someone is facing a difficult challenge.  It sends the messages, “you’re not alone”, “I’ve got your back” or “you can do it”.  Be careful not to overstate your affirmation because the affirmation is to help a person find strength in themselves.  Plus, if it is not seen as plausible, it will do little or no good.    Heartfelt affirmations ring true.

Hints for Talking Affirmationally

1. Avoid lingering in the past tense, instead affirm mostly in the present and future tense.   

2. Avoid negative words like no, never, don’t, won’t, can’t and not.  

3. Avoid negative implication words and phrases like lose, quit, stop, get rid of, get away from.  

4. Avoid words that focus on or imply an absence like saying “I  want”, “I wish”, “I would like” – these can suggest that a person  lacks something.

5. Avoid drawing attention to a problem more than to a solution.  

6. Be careful with comparison words like more, greater, less, better, and worse.

7. Be careful with ambiguous words, specific words work better.

8. Use positive emotion words.

9. If possible, be pithy with brevity.

  10. Use plausible phrases and positive words.

  11. Be personal.  Use the words “I”, “I am”, “You”, “You are”, “We are” and avoid the           impersonal.

How Much Affirmational Love Is Enough?

There is a host of research pointing to 5 love-positive communications to every 1 love-negative communication being optimal for keeping a spousal or heartmate love relationship well functioning (See the book, Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love by Dr. John Gottman).  Others think a 3 to1 ratio may do well enough, especially in demanding situations.  Then there are those whose studies suggest first it would be good to include evaluating the neutral communications, along with the positive and negative, before making a comparison.  There is, it seems, some evidence which suggests that more than 5 neutral to 1 positive may cause an erosion effect on a love relationship.

A question has arisen about whether a neutral message actually is a minor negative when it comes to love?  One elaboration of the 5 to 1 rule suggests both positive and negative communications must first be evaluated as to their strengths i.e. mild, moderate or strong, before comparing them.  It may be 3 mild communications equal 1 moderate, and 2 moderates make 1 strong communication, or something like that.  As you can see it can get rather complicated.

Generally the 5 to1 rule seems backed up by the most research.  7 or more positives to 1 negative may start to be too much and indicate relational devaluation of positives might occur.  If there are an equal number of negatives and positives, or if negatives outnumber the positives, that suggests that dysfunction and approaching breakup of a relationship is getting more likely.

So, now we suggest you ask yourself this question.  Do your love-positive outputs to your loved ones (praises, compliments, smiles, hugs, kisses, squeezes and so forth) outnumber your negative outputs (criticisms, scowls, gripes, growls, putdowns, complaints and the like) at the, more or less, 5 to 1 ratio?

Deeply and sincerely affirming the worth, importance and nature of those you love, definitely is a best practice of love.  Frequently sending affirmational statements and actions greatly advances the vitality and quality of love relationships.  In our experience, learning and using affirmational love nurtures and inspirits love connections.

One more little thing: are you going to talk over the ideas you have just read with someone.  If you do, it probably will enrich your to do so, at least a bit.  If you do that, please mention where they came from at this website and, thereby, spread some love knowledge around.  Thank you.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question: Did you grow up with enough loving affirmation of your being and doings, at whatever the amount, and what effect did it have on you?

Additive Talking – A Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini love lessons starts with an explanation of additive talking and subtractive talking; shows how truth need not be sacrificed for being additive; and then goes on to discuss the four major things that need to be focused on to make your talking with loved ones additive and not subtractive or neutral.

Add, Subtract or Zero

When you are talking with someone you love, is most of your talking additive, subtractive or neutral; do you know?  Additive talking and communication tends to enrich and strengthen love relationships.  It also usually helps the participant’s sense of well-being, assists both people to feel better for the experience of interacting, contributes to feeling personally enriched and stronger, and assists both in feeling positive about and toward each other.

Furthermore, it brings a sense that relating to each other is of value and it is worthwhile.  Subtractive communication does exactly the opposite.  Neutral, or ‘zero’ type communication as it is sometimes called, tends to have zero or slightly negative, emotional impact effectiveness.  Every communication you have with a person, especially in more personal relations, is thought to have an additive, subtractive or neutral effect in the limbic system of the brain.

The Truth and the Additive

Communicating your truth, the facts as you see them, your opinions, perceptions and understandings, etc. can be conveyed in ways to make your communications more lovingly additive without altering the essence of those truths.  Remember, all things can be said with love.  Plus, making your communications more additive is very likely to assist your loved ones improve their reception of your messages.  Subtractive communication tends to be tuned out, automatically resisted, devalued and discounted.  It also may cause your loved one to avoid you or be argumentative.  Neutral communication may be perceived as impersonal, emotionally distant and sometimes non-loving, mechanical, dull, boring and of little personal consequence.

Four Things to Focus On

When talking with a loved one is your talk usually making the relationship grow, shrink or neither?  If you want to be additive and help your love relationship grow, there are four things to focus on.  Each of these four things can make your talk additive and, therefore, more positive, powerful and effective.

First is your word usage style and habits.
Everyone has one or more talking styles.  Some talking styles are love constructive, others are love destructive and still others are love neutral.
Second is your voice usage characteristics.
This includes things like voice tones, volume, speed of talking, accent and pronunciation clarity.
Third is your motion/emotion presentation.
This involves your facial expressions, gestures and posture messages – all are likely perceived and interpreted subconsciously by a loved one who is listening to you.
Fourth is the subject matter you tend to talk about.

If your topics are perceived as interesting, fun, enriching, etc. you probably are talking in an additive way.  If they are seen as ‘downers’, criticism, false, negative, etc. you probably are talking in a subtractive way.  Neutral talking can be okay, but too much of it tends to have a negative effect eventually.

If you want your communication with a loved one to be additive, positive, constructive, and have a really good effect you will do well to give thought to these four factors.

Word Usage Style and Habits

Most of us have a talking style which is similar to the one we experienced when we were growing up.  With purpose and practice it can be changed for the better.  Here are some common examples to help you understand what is meant by word usage style and habits.  If you ‘gripe and complain’ more than you ‘praise and compliment’ you may have a more subtractive than additive style.  If your habit is to start statements with the word “no”  that is likely to have a minor, subtractive effect.  If you commonly mention more things that are focused on defeat, trauma, tragedy and downer topics than ‘up’, positive topics, your habitual word usage style slowly is likely to have a cumulative, subtractive effect.

If you commonly include talk about your loved one’s successes, attributes, victories, positive growth, etc. more than you mention your loved one’s deficiencies, difficulties, shortcomings and failures, etc. your style is likely to be having an additive effect.  If you repeatedly practice replacing the word “but” with the word “and” you will have a surprisingly good, minor, additive impact.  For example, instead of saying “OK, but don’t ask me to do that again”, you might say “OK, and I would like us to find another way to do that next time”.  If you learn to have a speech habit which includes frequently saying things like “as I see it…”, “my memory is…”, “I may be wrong, however, my perception is…” you are likely to be additive.  If you start your statements with the word “you”  followed by an affirmation or compliment you are being additive.

If you start your statements with word “you” followed by mentioning a deficiency, a shortcoming, a mistake, etc. you probably are being subtractive.  There are hundreds of other problematic or additive speech style factors.  Hopefully these examples can give you some idea of what to look for in your own speech style and habits.

Voice Characteristics

Some people sound angry when they are not; others sound wimpy and some others sound indifferent.  Some just lack practice sounding loving,  kind, pleasant, cooperative, etc..   Some people are really good at sounding tender, sweet, powerfully caring, etc; this probably is because they have worked at it.  You can too.

Motion/Emotion Presentation

Are you good at smiling at your loved ones?  Do you greet them with open arms?  When talking, do you look straight into your loved one’s face and often nod as you hear what they are telling you?  A great many facial expressions, gestures and posture changes can convey that you are emotionally positive toward the person you are talking with and that can send a very additive, emotionally positive message to them as they talk.  ‘Stone faced’ non-expression usually is interpreted as something negative and, therefore, is subtractive.  Scowling, frowning, rolling your eyes, and most of all hate looks can be very subtractive.  Similarly, clenching your fists, turning your back, pounding your fist, stomping off and the like usually are subtractive.

Additive Subject Matter

Are the subjects you usually talk about with your loved ones more frequently helping them feel good or feel not good.  This is a matter of balance.  Talk that is additive to a love relationship needs to occur more often than subtractive talking.  Additive subject matter can be affirmational, appreciative, uplifting, intriguing, fun, positive, laudatory, joyful and best of all loving.  This doesn’t mean serious, problematic and more downer topics are to be completely avoided.  It just means that it usually is best for them to be in the minority.

When the Negative Is Additive

There are times when subject matter may be about something painful or problematic but the way of talking about it is quite additive.  Offering emotional support, commiseration, shared angry venting, joint catharsis and voicing care are examples of this.  Talking in ways that attempt to dodge painful topics, difficult feelings and the like, sometimes can be quite subtractive.  However, if dodging the difficult gives relief sometimes it may be additive.  Semi-sarcastic putdown humor, kidding, reverse meaning statements, etc. can be additive if the person hearing them knows how to take them as such.

Hopefully this mini-love-lesson will help you add additive talking to your repertoire of  love skills and bring you and others much that is lovingly positive.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Are the people you commonly associate with more additive, or subtractive, or how do you experience the way they communicate and what effect does that have on you ?

Related posts:

1. Talking to Feelings First, Then Topics – A Love Skill
2. Requesting Not Expecting – A Love Skill
3. Listening with Love
4. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
5. Non-Defensiveness – A Love Skill 

Intimate Love

Synopsis: This mini-love-lessons first helps you explore your own ideas about intimate love compared to what others think about it. Then it introduces you to the fascinating world of sensorium intimacy; and ends with ideas about how you can study developing greater intimate love; more.

Your First Thoughts

What pops up in your mind when you see the words “intimate love”? Lots of people think of something sexual. Others think of something powerfully and very personally emotional. There are a good many other people who think about both ecstatic sex and various intensely pleasurable, psychological states interwoven together.

The term “intimate love” can mean a surprisingly wide range of different things to different people.
Intimacy in a love relationship can mean knowing another and being known by another in incredible ways. It also can mean a sense of wonderful closeness, fervent shared eroticism combined with a marvelous sense of loving and being loved in very personal ways.

Some people understand intimate love to mean a wondrous sense of spiritual connection and the very best of love’s many fabulous feelings. Then there are those who see intimate love as something delightfully wicked, intriguingly naughty and scrumptiously salacious. So, what are your first thoughts about intimate love? Are they similar to any of the above? And if you currently are in what you think of as an intimate love relationship, do you know what your lover’s understanding of intimate love is? Is theirs a more psychological or a more sexual understanding of what the words “intimate” love refers to? You might want to have an intimate, lover’s conversation with them about this.

Sensorium Intimacy

For many intimate love is best experienced and arrived at visually. Being seen naked and seeing another naked, viewing and allowing one’s every, intimate part to be viewed in the most up close and personal of ways, and doing this with someone you love is what achieves intimate love for the strongly visually oriented. Looking deeply into someone’s eyes while they do the same with you, sometimes called “soul” looking, and/or looking very closely at every nuance of facial expression while being only inches away from one you love are also examples of love intimacy via the visual.

For those more auditorily oriented, intimate love can come by way of soft, warm voice tones, whispers, listening to music together and spoken words expressed in deep, close emotional ways.
For a good many others the primary sensory modality of intimate love is touch. Passionate embrace, gentle stroking, cuddling, being held and hugged, holding hands, myriad kinds of kissing, the many sensations of being touched sexually, all are involved in the tactile sensations that provide a sense of intimate love.

Some people find intimacy through taste, while for others it is achieved in an olfactory way, sometimes with the help of perfumes or essential oils. There also are those that best experience intimate love via kinetics. Being joined in slow dancing, swaying rhythmically, gently rocking back and forth and other forms of moving together greatly assist the sense of feeling intimate love for those who are naturally, strongly, motion oriented.

Of course, there are many who have a combination of two or more of the above as their major sensorium modalities. It is important to know that the major way a person senses or can be assisted in sensing intimate love varies according to which of their major sensing systems has the most impact on their emotions (on their brain’s limbic system). Most people can be reached or affected, at least a little, from each of these ways of sensing but they will have a primary sense, and the other ways of sensing will be secondary or tertiary.

If you are going to help someone you love have an intimate love experience, it can be very helpful to know witch of their major ways of sensing love is primary and which is secondary, etc. Then you can use that knowledge to lovingly assist them in having great sensations of intimate love via their primary sense. While doing that you also can mix-in your own primary sensorium modalities so that you can better simultaneously share a mutual, intimate, love experience.

Communicating For Intimate Love

They both said they wanted intimacy, but one meant sex while the other meant a sharing of deep-felt emotions. Until they learned to ‘spell out’ more exactly what they meant, they miscommunicated and neither one got the love they really were seeking. The word intimacy is one of those words which is commonly misunderstood and, therefore, frequently miscommunicated. In couples love relationships few words are as important to mutually understand as the words ‘intimate’ and ‘intimacy’. Couples’ love often can be injured when one or both of a couple does not understand accurately what is being meant when the words intimate or intimacy are used.

All too often one of a couple mistakenly assumes that the other shares the same understanding, and also shares the same ideas of what helps intimacy occur. Actually it is fairly rare for two people in a couples relationship to have the same understanding of this term, at least at the start of their relationship. Therefore, talking about this in some detail can be quite helpful to a couple’s intimate life together. Especially important in couples love development is discovering and talking about the words and actions which may create experiences of intimate love.

Intimate Love Differences

For some, intimacy means revealing one’s most personal secrets. In a similar fashion for others it is mostly about becoming vulnerable and the risk of getting very personally hurt, but in a much wider variety of ways. There are those who achieve intimate love primarily through acts of tenderness and small, gentle behaviors. Others find intimacy is the product of big, brave and bold, uninhibited actions strongly revealing themselves. For the more sexually oriented it may mean lovers letting themselves be erotically wild, acting with unbridled, shameless abandonment, being unrestrained and free to be entirely impulsive while completely accepting each other’s actions.

Acceptance and toleration love, along with being totally unafraid of negative judgment is usually a part of this picture. Awesome sweetness, treating and being treated as precious, cherishing and being cherished, and knowing that what is important and unique about you is especially valued by one who loves you, these can be of incredible importance in intimate love. Experiencing and helping a loved one experience intimate love often takes having and giving unique personal information that would be insignificant to others. What’s your favorite color, food, song, etc. are very simple examples which can be expanded in quality.

It is important for people who want to have strong, intimate, love experiences with each other that they explore and involve themselves in, and with, each other’s differences as well as their similarities. Respecting and honoring diversity and how it might contribute to a couples relationship is often a great help in laying down a groundwork for growing intimate love.

Studying Intimate Love

Discussing what you and a beloved might mean by “intimate love” and what you both might want to do to grow more, bigger and better intimate love usually is a very good thing to do. You can also learn more about intimate love at this very website. Go to the Mini-Love-Lessons listed in the Titles Index called “Intimacy Creation – a Love Skill”, and “Growing Closeness – Love Skill”. Read and discuss them with those you are close to, then of course go experiment and practice the ideas you get from what you have learned.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Can you imagine a scenario of events and actions that you and a loved one carry out, in which you could feel very intimately loving and loved?

Listening With Love - Are You Good At It?

Synopsis: This is both a mini-love-lesson and a Rating Test which aims to get you to attend to 12 important points concerning becoming a really good at listening with love; and you can use it to rate yourself, as to your love listening skills.

Rate Yourself

Listening well to those you love is one of the best ways to demonstrate that you love, care and value them.  Sometimes one of the most important ways to feel that you are loved is to experience someone who loves you doing a really good job of listening to you.  But what really constitutes good, love-filled listening?  To find out take this 12 item test, rating yourself as you go.  Each item will help you know a major way you can nourish and help improve any and all love relationships through being good at listening with loving.

Test Instructions

Carefully read each of the following tests questions.  Each question mentions one of the factors associated with quality listening with love.  As you read try seriously to think about how well you do what the test statement refers to when you are talking face-to-face with someone you love.  Then with each question look at answers A through F, and pick the one that comes closest to what you think accurately rates you on how well you listen.  Record each of your answers so you can come back later and tally your score.  Instructions for tallying your score will be given at the end of the test, along with interpretations.

Listening With Love – A Test

1. When talking with a loved one, you say fewer words than they do.
(A) Almost always (B) Frequently ( C ) Half the time (D) Seldom (E) Almost never (F) Don’t know

2. When listening to a loved one, you silence your own mind and what it is telling you to say next, so that you can attend to what they are saying more fully.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom (E) Almost never (F) Don’t know

3. You can repeat back to a loved one what they have just said, close to verbatim.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

4. When a loved one is talking, you repeatedly identify in your mind what the emotions your loved one is experiencing as they talk.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

5. When talking with a loved one you ask what they are feeling, so as to be sure you are in tune with their emotions, and to check out your own perceptions of their emotions.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

6. When talking with the loved one you have and convey empathetic, corresponding emotions i.e. you hurt when they hurt, you’re happy when they’re happy, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

7. You listen attentively for a loved one to fully vent, express themselves, discover and think-out their own issues, solutions, concepts and feelings before offering your own thoughts, advice, possible solutions, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

8. Your facial expressions, head movements, voice tones, gestures and posture changes consistently and repeatedly show interest, attentiveness, care and other appropriate corresponding feelings to your loved ones when they are talking.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

9. When talking with a loved one you physically touch them appropriately showing care, support, celebration, affection, etc.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

10. When listening to a loved one you avoid listening primarily for their pauses so you can start saying what you want to say next, and while they’re talking you avoid rehearsing in your mind what you’re going to say next, plus you do not let yourself be otherwise easily distracted from giving them your full and close attention.
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

11. When talking with someone you love do you do a good job of listening with your eyes, i.e. closely watching your loved one’s face and movements in order to see your loved one’s indicators of emotion, so you can be emotionally in tune with them and respond accordingly?
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

12. When talking with a loved one do you stay aware that listening well can help your loved one feel affirmed, valued and cared about, and not listening well can result in your loved one feeling devalued and less than well loved?
(A) Almost always  (B) Frequently  ( C ) Half the time  (D) Seldom  (E) Almost never  (F) Don’t know

Scoring

Score 5 points for each (A), 4 points for each (B), 3 points for each ( C ), 2 points for each (D), 1 point for each (E) and zero points for each (F) – Don’t know response.

Interpretation

Scores  49 – 60  suggests someone who is a great loving listener, or someone who is overrating.

39 – 48  suggests someone who is a good loving listener who can still improve.

25 – 36  suggests someone who is a fair loving listener who can do quite a bit better with learning and practicing.

13 – 24  suggests someone who is rather poor at loving listening and probably is in need of a fair amount of improvement.

0 – 12  suggests that a very poor loving listening performance is frequently occurring and considerable work at improvement is recommended.

4, or more, zero (Don’t know) responses suggests considerable study of loving listening skills is probably highly desirable.

If you wish to rate another person on their loving listening skills you will need to alter the questions a little so they read in a way that indicates a loved one listening to you.  Then record the responses (A – F) that best indicates how you think they behave on each item.  Then tally the scores as before.
To learn more about this important skill go to the mini-love-lesson at this site titled “Listening with Love”.  You might use that entry to talk about listening skills with a loved one.

As always – Go and Grow with Love.

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Who listens to you with love the best, and have you sufficiently thanked them for that?

Related posts:

1. Listening with Love
2. Listening With Love and IN and OUT Brain Functions
3. How Smart Is Your Love? – A Test
4. Alphabet Love Test
5. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill 

Requesting Not Expecting - A Love Skill

Synopsis: We begin with the unsaid thoughts and how they affect love relationships; then look at requesting fears; requesting as a gift; the failure of expectations; and the ‘cure actions’ that really work.

Unsaid Thoughts

“I leave him love notes but he never does that for me”, “Why do I have to always be the one who initiates lovemaking”, “I keep hinting that he could bring me flowers but he never gets it”, “I don’t know why she’s never happy when my friends come over to watch football but I wish she would be”, “When something is wrong I wish he would stop trying to fix it by giving me advice and instead just show me some care.  Why doesn’t he do that”.

Why are the people who are saying these things not getting what they want?

To each of these people one could ask, “Have you directly asked him or her to do what you want?”.  It is amazing what the variety of responses to this type question are,  “I shouldn’t have to ask, he (or she) is supposed to know”, “I have griped and complained about it, isn’t that enough”, “I keep expecting he (or she) will figure it out”, “I don’t know why I suffer in silence but I do”, “It’s just not fair”, “If he (or she) really loves me they would know what to do, wouldn’t they”, “It spoils it if I have to ask.”  All of these replies mean that the true answer to the question is “NO!  I haven’t actually, directly and clearly asked for what I want.”

Requesting Fears

Lots of people have lots of different fears concerning making direct requests.  Some people are afraid that their requests will sound like, or be taken as, a controlling demand or command.  Others fear they will sound too selfish.  Still others have an apprehension that they will hear a personal rejection in the reply they get.  There are people who don’t have enough healthy self-love to think that they are worthy enough or have the right to make direct requests   A fair number of people grew up in homes and cultural spheres where it was considered rude, immodest or improper to make a direct personal request.  Then there are those who feel that to make a clear, direct requests is unsafe because it exposes something that is true about themselves, therefore, it may make them vulnerable to harm or manipulation.

Some people fear that directly and clearly asking for what they want will take some of the mystery and romance out of the relationship.  What I find is that directly ‘asking for what you want’ takes out of the relationship many of the misunderstandings that trigger fights and hurtful disappointments.  If you rely on expectations, expect to be disappointed because that’s what usually happens.  Instead be brave enough to ask for what you want and you might get it.

The Gift of Requesting

Requesting something personal of someone can be a gift because it tells a person that they have something you find desirable and perhaps commendable.  Therefore, it shows you value them. That can be and often is taken as a compliment.

When you tell someone what you want in a clear and direct manner you give them a gift of knowing something personal and real about yourself.  You have self-disclosed a desire and in doing so you have shared a small bit of yourself.  It also shows you have been brave enough to give them the chance to accommodate or reject your request, thus, giving them a position of importance.  The simple act of requesting things like “Can I have a hug”, Let’s get together and talk”, I want to take you to the movies”, “I would like to spend more time with you, just you” or anything else you truly and personally want with or from a person, presents the person you are talking to with a revealing bit of data about yourself.

The gift of Self-disclosure also occurs when you ask for help like when you say something like “I really don’t know how to do this could you help me with it”.  Even more revealing are saying things like “I really long for your praise and compliments, would you tell me that you love me more often”, “I want to make mad, passionate love with you and I hope you want the same with me”.  Each request helps you go a little bit more ‘psychologically naked’ with the person you are making the request of.

The Failure of Expectations

It is important to know that if you are talking accurately you have a better chance of getting what you want, than if you are talking in ‘fuzzy’ ways that are open to multiple understandings, or in ways that can be fairly easily misunderstood and misinterpreted. Unfortunately a very high percentage of personal communication is much more easily misunderstood and misinterpreted than most people realize.  Expectations are particularly prone to being mis-communicated.  In couples counseling I’ve heard people say “I know what I mean, why don’t you”?  Perhaps it is because they have not said what they want as a clear and direct request.

Research suggests that when people have an expectation, or something they identify as an expectation, they do less about it and say less about it than if they identify it as a want or a desire. Thus, when you desire something called an expectation or when you have an expectation you are likely to insufficiently communicate about it in an insufficiently active way which inhibits achieving it.  After all, it was something you ‘expected’ so why should you say anything or do anything about it?

Expectation means you are counting on it, and you think it will or should happen. Subconsciously this erroneously means that you don’t have to do anything about it and you subconsciously think that other people will have the same understanding as you do, and that they also think it will or should happen.  This leads to no one being responsible for making something happen, and then in many circles everyone is blaming someone else for it not happening.  “I expected you to take me out on my birthday, and all you did is get me a card and flowers.”, “You had to know I was counting on you to show up on time, and you didn’t even go to the trouble to find out what time you should be there”, “You must have meant to insult me, because surely you knew you were supposed to ask me to dance first.”

These are but a few examples of people relying on expectations instead of making requests for what they want.  Here are a few more that are a bit more serious.  “I was counting on you to take care of the contraception thing, and now you tell me you were counting on me.”  “I absolutely thought you knew I loved you, and you just weren’t interested.”  What do you mean you didn’t bring our passports, isn’t that the man’s job. My father always did.”

The Cure

There is an old teaching that goes something like this: Expect nothing, Want everything, and Clearly ask for what you want, or Get it yourself because that’s your best chance of having it.  Especially is this true in love relationships; making clear requests about everything you want: small, medium and large, enhances communication, cooperation, team work, collaboration, mutual understanding and closeness.

If you are not used to asking for what you want directly and clearly, start practicing.  You can ask people what they heard you request to see if they really understood it.  You may get surprised at the answers you get.  Are you dependent on other people ‘reading your mind’, having a crystal ball or magically just knowing what you expect or desire of them? Do you blame them when they don’t get it right?

Let me suggest there are two places it is really best for you to know that you have to ask for what you want rather exactly.  One is in a restaurant and the other is in a love relationship.  Consider the woman who after 10 years of getting wimpy, wispy, little, quick kisses finally said, “I want hard, passionate, long, French kisses” and right away she began to get them.  All she had to do was ask.  Now, you may not always get what you want but you have a much better chance when you request in a direct and clear way.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Do you want to unknowingly go uninformed and be in the dark about what other people expect or want of you?

Related posts:

1. Gratitude As a Love Skill
2. Dining with Heart – A Love Skill
3. Checking It Out – As a Love Skill
4. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
5. Intimacy Creation – A Love Skill