Mini-Love-Lesson # 278
Synopsis: Talking With versus talking At; positive word choice; head talk or heart talk; risking authenticity, listening well; and the importance of studying how we talk with those we like and love is quickly, easily and informatively presented here.
Talking WITH Versus Talking AT
Sometimes we get so busy and distracted in our everyday lives that we don’t pause to really attend to and talk with those we love. It is personal talk that makes a real connection. To stay current with those you care about, taking little chunks of time away from doing to just being, strengthens and maintains relational bonds. When we spend time talking with someone it demonstrates they are important to us. Talking with older people, children, friends and others we care about contains and conveys compassionate love. The subject matter may be mundane but the process is what is important.
There is a big difference between talking with and talking at someone; this especially is true when talking with loved ones. Officers tend to talk at the troops rather than with them – not a style to be emulated at home. With is a two-way process, at is one-way.
The Importance of Positive Word Choice
Some word choices are more loving than others. Have you ever encountered a person who habitually starts what they say with the word No? Starting with a negative can be self-sabotaging. Too many negative words can be toxic to a love relationship. When love-filled words are sprinkled into our interactions, the relationship system strengthens, becomes happier and more effective. Using more positive and loving words even has physical, health benefits like improved immunity function. So, choose your words carefully.
Head Talk Or Heart Talk?
There are words or phrases that can interfere with love transmission. The word Why is an example. Have you ever said, “I love you” and been met with the reply, “Why”? Have you then been confounded or confused? That’s because why seeks an intellectual, concrete, historical and compartmentalized answer. Love has to do with feelings experienced holistically in the present. Why asks you to think instead of feel. Why takes you away from your heart and leads you into your mind. Why appropriately can be asked and answered but usually only after emotions have been dealt with. A question like “Why are you crying” sometimes can bring on emotional discord. Change it to “I care that you are crying” and a loving closeness is the more likely result.
Risk Being Authentic!
To those who fear using words of love may be Pollyannish, unrealistically positive, phony or may be interpreted that way, we recognize those worries. A solution to this conundrum often can be found in being genuine. If you can identify your love feelings, you authentically can give them voice. When you are worried about how you are getting interpreted, bring it up and talk about that, lovingly.
Listening Well Is a Big Part of Talking Well – with Love
Focusing on your listening skills (yes, there are learnable skills for good listening) is a big part of talking WITH as opposed to talking AT those you care about. Helping those you love feel really well listened to can be a major way to show them they are genuinely loved. It also is a major way to improve communication, cooperative functioning, compatibility, sense of connection as well as avoid misunderstandings and a great deal of conflict (see “ Listening with Love”).
Study How You Talk To Those You Like and Love
Remember that love feelings come naturally while love relating takes learning. Learning takes study, experimenting with improvement and practice. If you want to do successful and high quality love relating, looking at how you do Verbal Love is a good place to apply yourself.
Let me recommend that you check out the list in “Communicating Better With Love: Mini Lessons”. There you will find a dozen mini-lessons for talking well with love. It contains a dozen very important things to know about communicating love when talking with your loved ones. You’ll find widely diverse things listed from a lesson on Emotional Intercourse to How to Nag with Love. Each brief lesson has been known to be highly helpful to a great many others according to the feedback we get.
One more thing: To help better implant what you just read in your mind, consider talking over these ideas with one or more others. If you do that please mention this site and its many mini-love lessons learned, and help spread love relating knowledge to others – Thank You.
As always – Grow and Go with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question: Do you put some love into every time you talk with a loved one?