Synopsis: Love can be felt and love can be done. This mini-love-lesson focuses on the getting it done part, and doing love ever better in spite of some dangers. There is a simple, quick love rating scale to help you evaluate where you are in your love relating world; followed by how to analyze its results and use them for growing ever better love in the coming year, no matter how good or bad love was for you last year.
Ever Better LoveLove is one of those things that always can be done even better than it was before, no matter how good it was – or wasn’t. Love feelings come naturally but doing love takes active participation in the doing part. That, of course, takes figuring out and learning what to do. This means, if you want your next year of love relating to go better than the last, you probably will have to do some learning and thinking about doing love. This mini-love-lesson is aimed at helping you do just that. It begins with a simple evaluation exercise to help you see where you might want to focus your improvement efforts.
Caution – Danger – Don’t Do’sLet’s look at something you may be non-consciously programmed to do which many of us relationship researchers, coaches, counselors and therapists tend to see as common and, more often than not, destructive and frequently even disastrous. It has to do with trying to do love with only part of yourself instead of with your whole self. We tend to succeed at love better when all our major parts get involved. One part many are subconsciously programmed to leave out is our conscious thinking self. This kind of program may read something like this.
“For doing love you can only rely on your intuition and your love luck. After all, love is done by unknowable magic, or maybe done by how your parents treated you when you were an infant and, in any case, you can’t do anything about either, so don’t try. In fact, trying gets in the way. You only can hope and maybe pray. Otherwise, how you do love and love relating only can be carried out by your intuitive impulses, governed by your luck at love.”
Your personal program may read rather differently or similarly to that. However, if it is in any way like that, know that it is antithetical to the knowledge and teachings of a great many of our time-honored sages, wisdom masters and spiritual leaders of old, plus it is in opposition to a lot of recent research, all of whom have a lot to say about how to do love and do it well.
Quick Rate Your Love RelationshipsFirst, look over the following list of a dozen forms of love relationship and pick out the ones you want to give a rating to then give them a check mark. Next using a scale of 0 to 10 (zero meaning the worst and 10 meaning the best) quickly rate how well you estimate you are doing at love relating in each those relationships you have checked. Don’t over think any of them. You can do that later if you wish. Just use a quick first impression approach.
Forms of Love Relating to Rate. (Using 0 – 10 or NA for not applicable)
1. Pet love ____, 2. Friendship love ____, 3. Family love ____, 4. Love of children ____,
5. Love of Parent Figures ____, 6. Love of special heartmate (spouse etc.) ____,
7. Healthy Real Level of Self ____, 8. Spiritual Love ____, 9. Love of Life ____,
10. Love of others, people, etc. _____, 11. Love of nature _____,
12. love of a special cause, endeavor, involvement, group or population ____.
Evaluation and AnalysisNow, examine your highest ratings and ask yourself how might you do even better in those higher rated, important areas? Maybe make some notes or start a file. Then, examine your low scores asking yourself if you really want to make any improvements in those lower scored relationships? If so, you might circle them. Now, look closely at the middle-range-ratings asking yourself if those relationship areas might merit further focus and exploration? Finally, look at the forms of love relating you did not rate asking yourself what you might want to do so that you could easily and quickly have a rate to give in those areas?
Now you can choose to go back and give longer, more full thought to any of the forms of love relating you might want to examine more deeply how you think and feel about them – or not. Again, maybe making some notes? I recommend you also give yourself an overall, not too critical or praising, tentative, general analysis statement about what this is telling you about you and your world of love relationships. Put that into exact words, as best you can, and keep it wherever you might want to. Then take it out tomorrow and review it again adding or subtracting from it, and do it again in a week.
Improvement UsageNow, I suggest you start toward making your plans for love improvements in the next year. This is sort of like making New Year’s Resolutions. To make them work, you probably have to check up on doing them in some regular way, like once a week, once a month, every six weeks, etc. using a calendar and/or reminder system.
Making a doing love better plan is usually best done with specifics like who or what is exactly the target of your efforts, what exact behaviors will you do (give a particular compliment, kiss, hug, favor, dozen smiles, an hour of undivided attention, take to a movie they want to see, etc., etc. etc.). Also specifics on what day and time will this action be taken, when and how you will record and evaluate afterwards and plan a next action. You can include generalities like I will be kinder, happier toward them, attentive, affirmative, etc. but unless you add more behaviorally specific actions, it is not likely much actually will happen often enough.
If your love improvement plan also includes things you want not to do like stop getting mad so easily, talk over others when they are talking, immediately bringing up problems and negative issues when first encountering loved ones, etc. that is half a success-oriented plan. It also is important to add what you will do instead of the action you wish to stop or limit. Without the instead action, old action habits tend to prevail.
Now for New LearningTo do new and better thinking about anything, usually requires new and hopefully enjoyable learning. Here is my suggestion for that. At this site, go to the two indexes of the mini-love-lessons. In the Title Index, scan down the titles once a week, on the same day of the week, preferably for the next 52 weeks. Every time you do this, pick a title that gets your attention for whatever reason and read it, think about it, make a note or two about it and see if there is a way to use it for doing love better love in your next week. After you have some notes written, review some of them each time you write new notes When you miss a week, do two the next week.
Using the Subject Index, find a Large Topic Area that for whatever reason seems to interest you a bit more than the others. Then scan the mini-love-lesson titles listed in that topic area and once a week read one of them, following the same instructions as above. Do this until you want to change to another Large Topic Area. Then do so. Keep doing this until you have read, thought about and made some notes, plus reviewed some of your past notes hopefully for 52 weeks. Each time you do this, record or draw a :-) on your calendar or on your way of keeping your record of love actions taken.
By doing this, you very likely will teach yourself how to make your ways of love relating and doing love better, and better, plus making it a habit to do love actions more regularly.
One More ThingDiscussing what you have just read with others tends to help you more diversely expand and develop your thinking about what you have read, plus it often leads to other stimulating topics. That is thought to be because discussing ideas uses different and additional parts of your brain than does thinking silently by yourself – which does have its own advantages. If you do discuss this mini-love-lesson with others, please mention this site and its many love lessons aimed at helping all people to love more and better.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question: If knowledge is power as they say, won’t new love knowledge empower you to do love more and better love as long as you keep acquiring new love knowledge?