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Sexual Love Laces

Synopsis: Exquisite love with sex; Opposing laces; Why so many problems; Understanding your black and white lace issues; Mutuality; The couple who did it well; The rainbow way.

To love someone with, through and via your sexuality can be a wonderful thing.

To love someone else’s sexuality along with all their other ways of being the unique creation that they are can be a marvelous thing.  To mix love with sex and sex with love can be a great, good thing in your life.  To love your beloved in your own sexual way and in their own special ways and have them do the same with you can be an astonishing thing.  To mutually discover, grow, share and experience the unique ways two individuals intertwine their love-filled, sexual natures can be awesome and miraculous.  Love with sex is an exquisite potential.

Sam and Sandra said they used to have a"black lace" versus "white lace" sex problem.  None-the-less they also said with considerable pride that they really worked to put lots of love into both ‘laces’ and by doing so solved their problem, and then they went way beyond mere solution to outstanding success.  To understand Sam’s black lace approach to sexuality think: scarlet masks, fur-lined handcuffs, little soft whips, dark dildos, vermillion vibrators and a great deal of extremely revealing black leather garb.  To understand Sandra’s white lace sexual ways think: great big soft pillows, books of mildly erotic beautiful love poetry, mellow candlelight, scented oils and powders for gentle massage, fluffy white feathers and long flowing lingerie in off white and light pastel colors.  To understand their love think of two people saying to each other “because I love you so much I’ll fully try it your way if you’ll fully try it my way”.

But wait!  Why is it that so many people don’t solve their "black lace’ versus "white lace" sex problems like Sam and Sandra did?  Why do so many not discover the available ways to create for themselves the many varied, sex and love joys available?  Part of the answer can come from a little deeper understanding of both ‘black lace’ and ‘white lace’ approaches to sexuality.

Black lace sex So many people never get over being taught sex is bad, nasty, dirty, filthy, sinful, evil and worse.  However, there are a large number of people who were so taught that do get into sexuality extensively.  Frequently they subconsciously carry with them what they have been taught.  Their approach to sexuality then becomes one of intense, secret pleasures of seemingly nasty, dirty, bad and supposedly sinful sex.  From a health professional’s point of view that can be quite fine, with several caveats.  So-called dirty sex can be just great if that’s all there is and nothing truly unsafe or unhealthful is being done, and so long as it is not followed by lots of anguished self torturing guilt, remorse, self negation or negation of another, or alienation from others.

From a health professional’s point of view sex essentially is a very naturally healthy thing to do and sometimes attitudinally doing it with an excitingly naughty, wanton, uninhibited mind-set can be a very healthy activity.  People who punish themselves for having had ‘black lace’ sex usually don’t reduce its occurrence.  Usually they just get trapped in a cycle of doing it, then feeling bad, relieved by punishment.  That then sets them free to do it again and so they are locked in an endless cycle.  People with a healthier mind-set about "black lace" sex just enjoy it and see it as one of many ways to be sexual.

White lace sex No small number of people were brought up with at least some elements of the teaching that says sex must be done only in purity, beauty, decency, innocence, and always with a sense of sacred sanctified, tasteful, sweet, tender love.  This can be quite wonderful, beautiful and even highly spiritual.  There is a more bland variation of this that could get called "off-white sex".  This is where people are taught that their sexuality must be kept within narrow, meek, inhibited and essentially dull boundaries of simple, uninteresting purity.  A problem can arise when ‘white lace’ sex is the only kind of sex a couple participates in.  Both white and black lace sex just are not as broad and varied as is human nature.

Quite a few couples have struggled over whether they are going to engage in more of a "white lace" or more of a "black lace" approach to sex, or will they do both, or will they try to mix them and do what might be called gray sex.  Some people are trained, programmed and socialized to think "white lace" sex is for marriage and "black lace" sex is extramarital or premarital relationships.  Others desire their spouse to be exclusively all "white lace" or all "black lace" involved, though secretly they themselves are open to both.  Often people only prone to the "black lace" approach see the "white lace" approach as dull, weak and far too mild.  Those more comfortable with the"white lace" way frequently see "black lace" oriented people as disgusting, repulsive, harmful and even dangerous.  Many a spouse has longed for the other "lace" but has been afraid to ask for what they desire fearing their love mate would condemn or reject them for wanting “that other kind of sex”.

Many couples experience a reduction of sexual interest, desire and activity because their sex lives are too narrow with only one type of "lace" or the other.  Occasionally a couple tries to mix-in just a little of the other colored "lace" but this "light gray lace" sexuality usually only helps for a little while.  So what can be done about all this you may ask?

Let me tell you more about Sam and Sandra who solved these difficulties quite wonderfully well.  Early on Sam and Sandra decided to approach each other’s sexuality with kind, tolerant, patient but also challenging love.  That facilitated both of them getting into each other’s ways of sexuality and discovering they could add the other one’s ways to their own.  With lots of loving treatment of one another they both learned to enjoy both ‘white lace’ and ‘black lace’ sexuality as much as the other one did.

That mutuality worked for quite a long while.  Then a day came when Sandra said to Sam, “I want to do something different sexually but I don’t know what it is.  I’m just looking for something different from the ways we have been doing, which are all great but I keep thinking there’s probably more we could do and I think I’d like to explore that”.  Sam responded with highly agreeable love and they both went looking for more, new and different "laces" as they called it.

A friend talked them into taking a class in Blues dancing which turned out to be extraordinarily seductive and sultry.  Then they got into a class teaching hot, sexy, passionate Latin dancing.  Wow, what a lot of turned-on feelings that produced.  Plus, it was really different from the"‘white lace" and the "black lace" approaches they had been practicing.  The Blues dancing they called "purple lace" and the Latin dancing "red lace".  You can see that all sexuality does not take place in the bedroom.  When they got home they danced naked or in very sexy costumes, laughed a lot, and developed the idea of having love-filled "rainbow lace" sex.  Other friends got them into scuba lessons which led to underwater sex and what they call "blue lace" sex which included incredible, strange, mysterious feelings of fluidity.

Daring to take a course, they stumbled upon, that was taught by a priestess of Wicca they discovered "green lace" sex which meant experiencing each other in the woods with scents of earth and leaves and the feel of light breeze on their naked skin.  Those adventures got them into feeling erotic, mystical and connected with nature simultaneously. "Gold lace" sex came when they dared to take a  Tantric yoga workshop taught by a happy Sufi master and an ever so loving modern Buddhist nun.  It was then that sex became a spiritual experience beyond description.

Today Sam and Sandra say they are living the "rainbow way".  Sometimes they mix it all up, doing a bit of white, then black, then red then orange, then pink or mauve – well you get the idea.  Both of them admit that if they hadn’t approached all this with lots of love they just would have gotten stuck like so many other couples do.  It was love shown through patience, kindness, tolerance, mutual support mixed with loving challenges to each other that worked.

Loving support and gentle encouragement got them from their "black lace" versus "white lace" conflicts into the joys of their today’s happy "rainbow lace" ways of sexual living and loving.  With love both are free, open and able to ask each other for any sexual thing they might desire.  With love both can accept the other one saying “no”, “not now”, “not yet and maybe never” to those requests.  Both have learned, as the ancients taught, “Love keeps no score of wrongs” and “the rainbow leads to the pot of gold”.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Love Success Question What is your attitude towards"white lace" and "black lace" and "rainbow lace" approaches to your own sexuality?

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