Synopsis: This mini-love-lessons first helps you explore your own ideas about intimate love compared to what others think about it. Then it introduces you to the fascinating world of sensorium intimacy; and ends with ideas about how you can study developing greater intimate love; more.
Your First ThoughtsWhat pops up in your mind when you see the words “intimate love”? Lots of people think of something sexual. Others think of something powerfully and very personally emotional. There are a good many other people who think about both ecstatic sex and various intensely pleasurable, psychological states interwoven together.
The term “intimate love” can mean a surprisingly wide range of different things to different people.
Intimacy in a love relationship can mean knowing another and being known by another in incredible ways. It also can mean a sense of wonderful closeness, fervent shared eroticism combined with a marvelous sense of loving and being loved in very personal ways.
Some people understand intimate love to mean a wondrous sense of spiritual connection and the very best of love’s many fabulous feelings. Then there are those who see intimate love as something delightfully wicked, intriguingly naughty and scrumptiously salacious. So, what are your first thoughts about intimate love? Are they similar to any of the above? And if you currently are in what you think of as an intimate love relationship, do you know what your lover’s understanding of intimate love is? Is theirs a more psychological or a more sexual understanding of what the words “intimate” love refers to? You might want to have an intimate, lover’s conversation with them about this.
Sensorium IntimacyFor many intimate love is best experienced and arrived at visually. Being seen naked and seeing another naked, viewing and allowing one’s every, intimate part to be viewed in the most up close and personal of ways, and doing this with someone you love is what achieves intimate love for the strongly visually oriented. Looking deeply into someone’s eyes while they do the same with you, sometimes called “soul” looking, and/or looking very closely at every nuance of facial expression while being only inches away from one you love are also examples of love intimacy via the visual.
For those more auditorily oriented, intimate love can come by way of soft, warm voice tones, whispers, listening to music together and spoken words expressed in deep, close emotional ways.
For a good many others the primary sensory modality of intimate love is touch. Passionate embrace, gentle stroking, cuddling, being held and hugged, holding hands, myriad kinds of kissing, the many sensations of being touched sexually, all are involved in the tactile sensations that provide a sense of intimate love.
Some people find intimacy through taste, while for others it is achieved in an olfactory way, sometimes with the help of perfumes or essential oils. There also are those that best experience intimate love via kinetics. Being joined in slow dancing, swaying rhythmically, gently rocking back and forth and other forms of moving together greatly assist the sense of feeling intimate love for those who are naturally, strongly, motion oriented.
Of course, there are many who have a combination of two or more of the above as their major sensorium modalities. It is important to know that the major way a person senses or can be assisted in sensing intimate love varies according to which of their major sensing systems has the most impact on their emotions (on their brain’s limbic system). Most people can be reached or affected, at least a little, from each of these ways of sensing but they will have a primary sense, and the other ways of sensing will be secondary or tertiary.
If you are going to help someone you love have an intimate love experience, it can be very helpful to know witch of their major ways of sensing love is primary and which is secondary, etc. Then you can use that knowledge to lovingly assist them in having great sensations of intimate love via their primary sense. While doing that you also can mix-in your own primary sensorium modalities so that you can better simultaneously share a mutual, intimate, love experience.
Communicating For Intimate LoveThey both said they wanted intimacy, but one meant sex while the other meant a sharing of deep-felt emotions. Until they learned to ‘spell out’ more exactly what they meant, they miscommunicated and neither one got the love they really were seeking. The word intimacy is one of those words which is commonly misunderstood and, therefore, frequently miscommunicated. In couples love relationships few words are as important to mutually understand as the words ‘intimate’ and ‘intimacy’. Couples’ love often can be injured when one or both of a couple does not understand accurately what is being meant when the words intimate or intimacy are used.
All too often one of a couple mistakenly assumes that the other shares the same understanding, and also shares the same ideas of what helps intimacy occur. Actually it is fairly rare for two people in a couples relationship to have the same understanding of this term, at least at the start of their relationship. Therefore, talking about this in some detail can be quite helpful to a couple’s intimate life together. Especially important in couples love development is discovering and talking about the words and actions which may create experiences of intimate love.
Intimate Love DifferencesFor some, intimacy means revealing one’s most personal secrets. In a similar fashion for others it is mostly about becoming vulnerable and the risk of getting very personally hurt, but in a much wider variety of ways. There are those who achieve intimate love primarily through acts of tenderness and small, gentle behaviors. Others find intimacy is the product of big, brave and bold, uninhibited actions strongly revealing themselves. For the more sexually oriented it may mean lovers letting themselves be erotically wild, acting with unbridled, shameless abandonment, being unrestrained and free to be entirely impulsive while completely accepting each other’s actions.
Acceptance and toleration love, along with being totally unafraid of negative judgment is usually a part of this picture. Awesome sweetness, treating and being treated as precious, cherishing and being cherished, and knowing that what is important and unique about you is especially valued by one who loves you, these can be of incredible importance in intimate love. Experiencing and helping a loved one experience intimate love often takes having and giving unique personal information that would be insignificant to others. What’s your favorite color, food, song, etc. are very simple examples which can be expanded in quality.
It is important for people who want to have strong, intimate, love experiences with each other that they explore and involve themselves in, and with, each other’s differences as well as their similarities. Respecting and honoring diversity and how it might contribute to a couples relationship is often a great help in laying down a groundwork for growing intimate love.
Studying Intimate LoveDiscussing what you and a beloved might mean by “intimate love” and what you both might want to do to grow more, bigger and better intimate love usually is a very good thing to do. You can also learn more about intimate love at this very website. Go to the Mini-Love-Lessons listed in the Titles Index called “Intimacy Creation – a Love Skill”, and “Growing Closeness – Love Skill”. Read and discuss them with those you are close to, then of course go experiment and practice the ideas you get from what you have learned.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question
Can you imagine a scenario of events and actions that you and a loved one carry out, in which you could feel very intimately loving and loved?