Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson teaches you about love matchers at work; ‘head’ matching; ‘gut’ matching; ‘genital’ matching; ‘heart’ matching; and jointly growing your connection matching.
Love Matchers At WorkImagine that you are at a college sponsored weekend workshop for people who want to learn how to improve their love connection matching. You’re in a small group discussion and you hear the following things:
‘Head’ MatchingSophia says, “I thought he was just right for me. He was super sexy, oh so sweet and kind, and amaze!, amaze! he showed his emotions very easily and well for a guy. The problem emerged later. I hate to say it but he just wasn’t smart enough, and the love that I thought would follow the infatuation just didn’t show up. We couldn’t really talk except in very simple ways. I discovered that a love-mate I might spend the rest of my life with has to be bright and relish the exuberance of intelligent discourse, or at least be interested in learning to do that . I need that kind of stimulation; it’s just who I am.”
Learn from Sophia. Are you in need of a good intellectual or mental match for making a good, lasting love connection? For a mate, a good friend, or a good close family member you really ‘click’ with, will you do best with a good ‘head’ match to go along with a good ‘heart’ match? If your mental matching isn’t right or compatible enough what will that mean for your relationship?
‘Gut’ MatchingJacob remarked, “Regretfully, I broke it off with Ava although in many ways, at least on the surface, she seemed perfect. Ava was bright, and wonderfully educated and we could intellectually talk for hours. Also Ava was super-sexual, even more than me. Besides those attributes she was fairly affectionate, rather thoughtful, forgiving and understanding, and I guess you could say kind of loving. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?
“Well, unfortunately Ava had no guts. She was a coward about everything, except maybe sex. Also her range of emotions seemed kind of narrow. Besides getting scared about all sorts of things, and being sort of sweet or sexy, she was emotionally mostly flat. She just didn’t get passionate or emotionally involved about much of anything, and wasn’t willing to ‘step out of her comfort zone’. That’s the reverse of me. I get excited about all sorts of things. So our time together got to be rather boring. Ava helped me realize I need my love-mate to have and show lots of strong feelings and get emotional about all the big, important things in life. Otherwise, life just passes you by, and I refuse to live that way.”
Learn from Jacob. Are you in need of a love-mate who, at the psychological ‘gut’ level, shows lots of spirit, knows and shows their emotions well, is somebody who can feel deeply and maybe also quite bravely explore life? Or maybe you need a person with a milder ‘gut’ makeup. Being well matched at the ‘gut’ or emotions level as well as at the ‘heart’ love level can be ever so important.
‘Genital’ MatchingOlivia commented, “I broke it off with Mason because, truth be told, sex is a lot more important to me than is was to him. Until I admitted that to myself, I thought I was going to marry Mason. I kept thinking sex would get better and become more essential in his life too. We talked it over and I let him know I wanted more powerful intimacy, lots of variety, and big sexual adventures.
“He said all the right things but his actions didn’t change much. It was like our parts just didn’t match. I think my heart knew all along, because I never felt like we really connected at the core heart level either but I kept thinking we would. . I guess I was fooling myself because so many outside parts did seem to match up pretty well. We were from the same background and both my mother and my friends liked him. But this big, important, very personal side of me just didn’t fit with that part of him.”
Learn from Olivia. How well matched can you and your love-mate get to be erotically? Poor matching at the psychological, ‘genital’ level can and often does lead later to ‘cheating’, affairs, bringing home an STD, and a growing vulnerability to other seductions. It also can lead to repeated fights or passive/aggressive friction, and abrasive draining ways of relating.
‘Heart’ MatchingNoah smiled and said, “You all are really helping me think Isabella and I may be really right for each other. We connect well at all four levels. Head-wise we talk about all sorts of things and seem to be a really good, intellectual match for each other. Gut-wise, we cry and laugh and really share our feelings – pretty much all the time. She’s better at it than I am, but I’m opening up more and more. And what you’re calling the genital level, well, we are a little naïve there but were excited about exploring all sorts of erotica together.
Best of all is how we are at the heart level. I’ve never felt so much connection and deep respect for anyone like I do with Isabella. I see how wonderful she is and I’ve never felt so many good emotions as when we’re together. We’re so much more alive than we were before we met. We even differ with each other well. We both want to learn how to love each other in the best ways, and we’re working at that like by being at this workshop.”
Learn from Noah. Are you working at and getting good at connecting at the heart level? It’s important to connect at all four of the levels talked about here, but most important of all is connecting really well at the heart level.
Growing Your Connection MatchingHear what Emma had to say. “When William and I first met he was all about what you are calling ‘head’ stuff. He was Mr. High IQ. But he did it in a fun and interesting way. He got me into reading all sorts things I’d never even heard of, and got me excited about ‘the world’. Then I discovered he had another well-developed part. He opened me up to wild, crazy sex and what a scary, wonderful universe that turned out to be. Then it was my turn.
“Sort of by using sexuality, I led him into getting into his emotions and sharing all our intimate feelings together. Then intellectually and emotionally we started studying love because we knew we were ‘falling into it’ with each other. So, I guess you could say William got me into the head and genital stuff and I got him into the heart and gut stuff. I think it often works that way with men and women”.
Learn from Emma. Are you good at opening yourself up to what a love-mate, or for that matter a friend might be able to introduce you to, and can you recognize what your own inner, psychological ‘head’, ‘heart’, ‘gut’ or ‘genital’ levels have to offer? In a love relationship are you willing to work at connecting with another at all four levels? One of the many, beautiful benefits of becoming a loving couple is how both people can open up new worlds to one another.
Know that most couples don’t match exactly, but rather have high, medium or low connection matching in the four areas we are exploring here. What predicates the development of a really good, healthy, love relationship is the willingness and ability to develop and expand areas that might need some improvement for better connection matching. In choosing a love-mate it usually is so helpful to consider how good your connection matching is or what the distance between you might be in all of the four areas.
Know that there are many lasting, excellent, love unions where people only connect at the heart level and possibly the genital level too. In those situations other connection matches can be made with deep, good friendships which satisfy needs at other levels. Know also that when two people in a love relationship decide to work at exploring and developing their connection matching at all levels they can do it. And in doing so they can greatly expand the world they get to live in together.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J Richard Cookerly
When thinking about psychological connecting in a relationship at the ‘head’, ‘heart’, ‘gut’ and ‘genital’ levels, which do you think you’re best at and which might you most need to develop further?