No Hurt, Under Attack Self-Love

Mini-Love-Lesson  #264

Synopsis:  If you learn to practice what this mini-love-lesson is all about, you likely will not have a lot of hurt feelings, worries, anxieties or stressors that might otherwise impact your future life and interfere with all your love relationships.  So, start by wondering what the Sanskrit word, Upeksha, means and to where it can lead you and your relationships.  Especially is this useful if you want to more freely express yourself without fear of being rejected or hurt in the process.

Getting "Dissed" and Not Hurt

Imagine being confronted by several people severely "dissing" you (disrespecting, demeaning, and disparaging you) and it not bothering you almost at all.  In fact, imagine you even are feeling a bit sad for those people because they seem to be the kind of people who have to behave this negative way.  Also imagine, that then you go about your life as okay as you were before the dissing.   You only are thinking "was there anything those people said that might be a bit useful”.  You consider what might be practical usage, feel just fine and then mentally and emotionally fully dismiss it.

How do you get to be such a person?  How do you become able to be unscathed by criticism, serious verbal attack and even hate?  Yet, you still non-defensively can evaluate what they had to say garnering whatever is useful and then be free of it.  Here is a major way toward that.

The Upeksha Way

Let me introduce you to the Buddhist and Hindu way of upeksha love if you don't already know about it.  Among other things, upeksha is a way of healthy self-love that frees you from being hurt when you are being disparaged, put down under covert or overt attack, or facing rejection.  Upeksha is also a way that frees you from becoming trapped in useless defensiveness or harmful offensiveness when responding to negatives coming your way.

Furthermore, it is an approach which opens the way to loving others, even your enemies, as you love yourself.  Upeksha, therefore, is an "I win, you can win too" approach that not only keeps you okay but tremendously helps in assisting relationships get and stay okay.  Upeksha love fits well with healthy self-love understandings and especially with not giving your power away concepts. Furthermore, a upeksha love mindset often is fantastic for developing one’s healthy self-love.

Upeksha Difficulties

The upeksha way has some drawbacks.  It often is hard for the western mind to understand and practice it at first.  It is even hard to translate into western languages.  The closest term to upeksha we have in English is the quite inadequate word "equanimity" which leaves out the very strong love aspects of upeksha.  Equanimity sort of gets close to the cognitive aspects of the upeksha approach.

Upeksha, as a concept, has been misunderstood and mistranslated as detachment, indifference, uncaring, uninvolvement, unconnectedness, and even non-loving.  Upeksha is a way of not getting involved in the tangle of dysfunctional ways of relating to others and not being destructively influenced by others.  At the same time, it definitely is a major way of love.

Upeksha love is great for avoiding fights, emotional distancing problems, destructive relating, staying okay in spite of what others do, making and keeping peace, getting to rational thought mixed with love, and reducing unhealthy stress and stressor illness effects.

One other difficulty for many is the necessary unlearning process of old programming in order to proceed with upeksha.  Some of those have to do with more western ways of quickly taking and returning offense, a proneness to overt conflict, and the western world way of being highly vulnerable to emotional hurts.

Exploring Upeksha Love

In the East, the upeksha is known as one of the four immeasurable mindsets of real love.  It, therefore, is of tremendous significance.  Reportedly, it is called immeasurable because the more you give it, do it and live it, the more you have of it to give, do and live.

Upeksha means having the wisdom to love with a mindset that sees the world with an equality of values and importance whether or not it is for, against or indifferent to you and yours.  This mindset embodies many great teachings like "love your enemies", respect all life and life forms, the most stupid crazy incomprehensible ideas of today can turn out to be the wisdom of tomorrow, victory and loss, praise and condemnation, hate, love and even indifference all have much to teach us, and all our ups and downs are relative to the perspective of where we are looking from.  Therefore, we are to look for the merit in all things even those things we would oppose vigorously.

So, the upeksha mindset recommends when facing negatives about you coming from others, work to see them with democratic curiosity.  Think of this.  If someone handed you a piece of paper and on it was written a scathing, lie-filled, discrediting and very negative description of you and your character written by someone you did not know very well, how might you feel -- upset, hurt, angry or what?  Now, if it was written in a language you cannot read and have no understanding of, how would you feel?  Perhaps only a bit curious, certainly not upset, hurt, angry, etc.  That is an example of how it is not the words that come at you but the meaning you attached to them, in your own brain, that hurts or upset you.  Of course, you have been trained, programmed and conditioned to attach great hurtful, emotional meaning to quite a few words and terms.  So, it is your training and upbringing that make you vulnerable to more or less being easily, emotionally hurt.  However, with the upeksha mindset you can overcome much and maybe even all of that.

With a upeksha mindset and thought tools, you dispassionately detach yourself from your inner program for getting upset and from the meaning you attach to the words of degradation coming your way.  You need not detach from the person speaking or writing critically of you but you can if you need to.  Here are a few thought tools you might use.  Think "what your detractors say of you probably says a lot more about them than about you" and "who are you giving your power away to, to be your judge and why even do that?".  Remember, you always can make yourself at least 51% of the vote on your own okayness.  You also can think “is there anything useful in what your detractor is telling you and, if there is, be thankful for it and use it.

Once you get into not hurting yourself with what others think or say of you, you become more free to better understand what they get themselves upset about and then you can be emotionally empathetic in regard to your naysayers.  That is a loving part of the upeksha mindset.  You need not defend yourself by being uncaring, counterattacking, fighting to defend yourself or change their thinking, or by fearfully trying to just escape.  If you fear there may be some truth to what they are saying against you, that deserves some evaluation-thinking with equanimity.  That means having a mental calmness and composure that gives even-tempered, balanced, levelheaded, democratic reasoning to all sides of whatever is the issue at hand.  At the same time, the upeksha mindset empowers you to love the people, including yourself, and/or other life forms evolved.  It is surprising that once you get into this mindset you often find things that are humorous absurdities and well worth laughing at.  Sometimes this includes yourself.

Upeksha Love and Fairness

One of the best things about the upeksha mindset is how it helps with thinking and acting with fairness.  The upeksha approach greatly assists in nondiscriminatory thinking, unbiased judgment, broad viewing and even-mindedness.  It is teacher speak for "the wisdom of seeing many things equally" and, therefore, not being unknowingly biased, unconsciously prejudice, blinded by traditional thinking, but instead, being egalitarian and sufficiently impartial, and still being passionately caring and kind of heart.

Only An Introduction

There is a whole lot more to the mindset of upeksha love and how it can help in each and every love relationship.  We can only scratch the surface here in this introduction to the subject.  So, I encourage you to find out more.  You might do that by reading Teachings on Love by the highly esteemed Buddhist teacher/author Thich Nhat Hahn.

Also germane to this topic is the article “Healthy Self-Love and Not Giving Your Power Away”, a a mini-love-lesson which can be of considerable help. More can be found in this site’s indexes.

One More Thing:  Talking about anything you are learning helps learn about it better, broader and in new and different ways.  So, who might you enjoy talking to about the upeksha love mindset?  Not all branches of Buddhism or Hinduism stress the Four Immeasurable Mindsets of Real Love the same way.  However, if you find a Buddhist, a Hindu or comparative religions teacher to talk to about these four mindsets – quite a few good, big things might come from it.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Dealing With Love Hurts: Shared And Unshared Pain

Know that there is great value and importance in sharing your love related hurts.  When you share any of your feelings you share an important part of yourself.  This is especially true of anything that involves your hurt, and also your joy.  When hurt is shared the people in a relationship can join together to work against the harm that the hurt is trying to lead you away from.  (Remember, hurt’s purpose is to help you avoid harm – see blog entry “Dealing with Love Hurts: Pain’s Crucial Guidance”).

Hurt shared also can lead to stronger, more loving, intimate connection, thus, strengthening a love relationship.  Hurt handled alone usually takes longer to get past and may be unnecessarily worse.  Shared hurt has cathartic or ‘venting’ value and with the right loving people gives you a chance to replace it with an input of love.

Too many people try to hide their love relationship hurt and handle it secretly on their own.  Of course, it can be satisfying and individually strengthening to know that you handled it on your own.  However, that may not do much for your relationships and it may be harder to deal with on your own.  Lots of people want to tough it out and avoid the shame or embarrassment of failing at love, or be seen as weak and love-needy.  Toughing it out can be done but it’s ever so much slower, and often less curative of love hurts than when they are shared with caring others.

Sharing your hurt with friends and family, carrying counselors, clerics, therapists and helping professionals of many types, along with one’s higher power all can be marvelously assistive.  It’s important to know that frequently it is not so much their advice but the receiving of a sense of loving care coming your way that makes the difference.  Loving listening (see blog entry “Listening with Love”) can be the great healing medicine for love related hurt.  This is especially true when hurt is intense.  Knowledge and suggestions, however, can come more and more into play as the hurt reduces.  That’s where counselors, therapists and the lore master’s of love can be ever so helpful in assisting you not to repeat the actions that lead to love related hurt and to possible harm.

So, if you’re hurting because of a love relationship situation going poorly, or badly, or one that is over, think about who are you going to share your hurt with.  Probably it will be whoever you feel closest to.  Perhaps you will hear a message in your head that you don’t want to burden anyone with your hurts.  If that’s the case be sure to offer to do the same caring listening for whomever you share your hurt with if they are hurting some day.  I’m prejudiced but I like to suggest that the very best person to share your pain with maybe an empathetic, love-wise counselor or therapist.  That way you also probably can learn what you need to learn from the hurt.  A very love-centered cleric, teacher, physician or other helping professional, and those wise people who do seem to know more about love also may do quite well.

When you share your love related hurt with someone that you see as the cause of your hurt there are special things to be aware of and special things to do.  First, be aware that a person you think has caused your hurt is likely to hear what you are saying as an attack, full of blame and accusation.  They then may respond with defensiveness which will come across to you as offensive.  A fight may then erupt.  You may be able to avoid all that by starting your statements with “I feel…”, “I’m experiencing…”, “I want…” and other “I” statements instead of “You did…”, “You should have…”, “You should not have…” and other “you” statements”.

Also avoiding angry blaming looks and sounds helps sharing a love hurt to go better.  You also likely would do well to acknowledge that you probably helped or played a part in the causation of your hurt.  The way you caught, interpreted, perhaps misunderstood, and otherwise processed what the person you’re talking to said or did possibly has as much to do with your hurt as does the actions or words of the other person.  Here’s another thing to be aware of.  As you share your hurt the person you are talking to may feel guilty, inadequate, unworthy and in other ways simply bad.  None of that may help them help you with your hurt.

To get the help you want from them you may have to ask them exactly for what you want.  Do you want to ‘blow off steam’ and have them just listen with care?  Do you want a hug?  Do you want them to express empathy that you hurt?  Whatever it is, its best if you ask them clearly.  Otherwise you may not get what you desire to help with your hurt.  It usually helps a lot to say something like “I just want you to listen to me express my hurt, and I want you to show me you really care that I hurt by saying you care, and give me a hug, and not do anything else, like give me advice.  And I don’t want you to have any problems with what I’m saying if you can – OK?”.  Sharing your hurt with someone who helped create the hurt, when done well, can lead to improved loving, a closer relationship, better understanding, and an avoidance of similar hurts in the future.

The trick, of course, is doing it well.  It is important not to think a loved one who helped create your hurt will know what to do to help you get over the hurt.  It’s your hurt, you own it, and you are the one most likely to know what to do to make it better, while you’re loved one just may be confused.  It’s a mistake to think that because they love you they’ll know what to do.  So, at least guess what will help you and then request that as clearly as you can.  If you completely don’t know what will help either try saying something like “Give me a break until I figure it out” or “I want to see a caring look on your face, hear caring sounds and words, and feel loving, caring touch” because those things usually do help soothe love related hurts and help them diminish.

As always, Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question If and when you are baffled or overwhelmed by your hurt in a difficult love relationship situation how easy is it for you to share your hurt and seek help from the loved one(s) involved in the situation, or a friend, family member, or helping professional?

Dealing With Love Hurts Series
Dealing with Love Hurts: A Dozen Love Hurts to Know and Grow From
Dealing With Love Hurts: First Aid Tips
Dealing With Love Hurts: Pain's Crucial Guidance
Dealing With Love Hurts: Shared And Unshared Pain

Habit Action, Love and You?

     

Mini-Love-Lesson  # 263

Synopsis:  The necessity and value of developing love action habits for expressing love and for accomplishing improvements in well-being are introduced.  A quick, simple, starter aid usefully presents 10 intriguing habit, love questions to ponder; some problems to avoid in being habitually loving and how to obtaining regular love actions you would like to have come your way are all helpfully related.

Love in Actions Not Just in Feelings

Love, healthy real love that is, motivates love action.  Love actions are of two main types -- those behaviors that express love and those actions done to benefit the well-being of the loved.  Love actions that express love are those that show, demonstrate, give evidence of, convey, communicate, and directly give love.  Additionally, and extremely important are the many love actions that are done to contribute to the benefit and well-being of the loved.  Included here are actions which are caring, nurturing, healing, protective, rescuing, supportive, steadfast, strengthening, cooperative and anything aimed at advancing the well-being of the loved.

Arguably, our species and perhaps all higher orders species depend heavily for their survival and thriving largely on love-motivated, contributing actions.  From the love motivated care parents give their children to the love-motivated struggles for freedom, equality, and universal human improvement, love actions carry us forward.

Culturally, love feelings seem to get the most attention.  Love without at least attempts at achieving contribution to well-being is much less emphasized.  Historically, love feelings mistakenly have been taught to include jealousy, possessiveness, madness and a great deal of noncontributory and destructive action.  Those factors, in my view, more accurately are linked to various forms of toxic, false love and lack of love syndromes (see our book Real Love False Love).

Love must be done not just felt.  It has long been taught in various love oriented religions and philosophies that love feelings are good but not adequate until they result in contributory action.  Many have concluded that love without action is insufficient love and probably destined to fade and fail.

Relying on love feelings without a sufficient emphasis on the doing part of love, according to some thinking, is the main reason for many love relationship’s frailty and floundering (see “Love Active Enough?”).

Action Habits of Love

Habits are behaviors that we keep doing over and over, rather automatically.  Habits can be good, bad or neutral.  Love habit actions can be good, in fact, very good for ourselves, for others and for love relationships.  Some people, but not enough, grow up in families where the action habits of love are plentiful and effective.  Here are some examples. 

• With Nurturing Love, bedtime stories get read to children almost every night.
• With Protective Love, the doors get locked and windows secured time after time.
• With Affirmational Love, well merited praise and compliments flow.
• And with Tactile Love, hugs and caresses are are freely and abundantly given.

In families with good love habits, children observe, benefit and copy these habits for themselves in adulthood.  Many kids, however, are not so lucky to grow up in such love-skillful homes and so they have to consciously and purposefully give attention to learning and developing these and other kinds of love action habits.

Reportedly,  the great philosopher, Voltaire, taught that the most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.  According to both Hindu and Buddhist teachings about real love, the most important love action you can take daily in ordinary life is to be in a good mood and give that as a gift to those you love, to those you encounter and to yourself.  This practice is part of doing what is called "Mudita" love, one of The Four Immeasurable Mindsets of Real Love.

Choosing to habitually yet sincerely have a countenance that is appreciative, happy and loving in everyday life is likely to be the best gift of love you can give, over and over again for the rest of your life.  It also probably is one of the most psychologically and relationally healthy things you can do – regularly.  So, why not make it a habit to look for what you genuinely can appreciate and enjoy, get yourself happy with that appreciation, and then lovingly express and/or share that appreciation and joy with whoever you can – on each and every usual, ordinary day.  On extraordinary days, there may be a need for compassionate love, or adamant love, or serene love and, of course, for other things like work, duties, rest, etc. (book reference Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh).

A STARTER’S AID TO DEVELOPING AND IMPROVING LOVE ACTION HABITS

Below are 16 questions aimed at helping you start your own survey of love habits you might want to consider developing.  Each question introduces an action that can be related to a habit for expressing or doing love.  These questions can be more for pondering than for definitive answering, if you wish to use them that way.

1. When greeting loved ones, do you commonly, lovingly touch them and, if so, how might you improve that love-giving experience?

2. When starting to talk with someone you love, do you quickly make and maintain good eye contact and have a loving, interested look on your face?

3. As you talk with someone you love, are your tones of voice usually pleasant and/or caring?

4. If a person you care about is upset, do you almost always listen with care more than you talk?

5. On most days, do you gift your loved ones with a countenance of positivity, pleasantness and joy?

6. Do you regularly and readily give experience gifts, do favors and act to assist friends and others you care about?

7. Is it your habit to show up and stay with loved ones in their times of crisis, difficulty and stress, as well as during their times of celebration and/or victory?

8. Frequently, do your words often offer sincere affirmation of the worth and quality of those you care about, uncontaminated with criticism or laudatory self-reference?

9. Do you often spend time thinking about how to show or do your love, learning about love and/or discussing love relationship improvement issues?

10. Do you linger in times of closeness and extend your time with loved ones, enjoying just being with them and listening to whatever they want to talk about?

There are literally thousands of other similar questions to the ones you just read.  Those 10 are just to get you started thinking on developing your habits broadly.  You might want to make up some more love action habit questions of your own.

Some Love Habit Problems

Nothing is perfect and so it is with love habits.  One issue is, can you be okay with the knowledge that no matter what love actions you do there are some people who can see them negatively?  They may misperceive, misunderstand, misinterpret, be of a generally critical mindset, or just be having a bad day and be making everything negative.  It helps to remember that whatever negative reaction others may have, that likely tells you more about them than you.  Your job, with the help of healthy self-love, is to stay okay and give a balanced critique of their criticism or reaction to see if it might have any use.  It is healthy self-love to not give your power away to other’s negations and that also is an action that can be done habitually (see “Self-Love -- What Is It?”).

Another problem with love habits can be that we may do them so automatically that we do not consciously think much about them once the are established.  Therefore, it is good to purposefully re-examine them every so often to see if they need some adjustments, improvements, etc.

Insincerity, perceived or real, is another issue with things done habitually.  With that, can come loss of love-action-impact or effect.  Even love, when done habitually for too long, can seem just perfunctory.  For that reason, putting in variations of love-habit behavior can help a lot.  Examples are longer/shorter, softer or more vigorous hugs, cuddling with differing caresses, or just stillness and closeness, kisses delivered where they have not been delivered recently, words of love said more intensely or whispered, etc.  Almost all love habit actions can be infinitely varied and still habitually delivered.

Getting the Love Habit Actions You Want?

Are there love actions you want consistently and repeatedly given to you?  Perhaps you hunger for more regular I love you statements, or kisses on the back of the neck, or laudatory statements made about you in front of your family, or … whatever.  What you want may indeed be something you need for full and healthful functioning.  In our wants are often hidden our needs.  So, we must ask the question “what are you doing to get your wants/needs for love action habits to be in your life more”?  Is there something in the way of your straight-forwardly asking for what you want?  Perhaps you were taught it is too selfish to directly ask for love, or love is somehow spoiled if you have to ask for it, or some other of the anti-love and love sabotaging trainings in the world.

There are many of them.  If so, please work to ignore them.  It is honest and efficient to take the guesswork out and just ask for what you want.  It is best if the way you ask is clear, exact, behaviorally descriptive and requested in loving, cheerful, self-confident tones.  It is good to add that you are willing and wishing to hear whatever the person you are talking to might also want (see “Asking For What You Want -- with Love!”).

One More Thing Please

Some of those who talk over these mini –love-lessons with others, report getting additional benefit out of them.  Maybe you will too.  If so, please remember to mention this site and our many free mini-love-lessons, and thus, maybe spread some healthy, love knowledge around.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Quotable question:  Are not actions and achievements that contribute, far more worthy than actions and achievements that don't?

Forgiveness - A Much-Needed Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini-love lesson starts with the question “why forgive?”; then goes on to forgiveness is about the future more than the past; a surprising reason we don’t forgive; sex and forgiveness; the risk of forgiveness; big love forgives, small love does not; growing forgiveness; and ends with a forgiveness challenge.

Why forgive?

“Forgiveness is so hard. Why should I try to do it?”  Often the answer is because not doing forgiveness is even harder.  Not forgiving frequently means not healing.

In my work as a relational therapist I have dealt with couples where one or both have shot, poisoned, stabbed or tried to run over their mate with a car and who have come to forgive those actions and all that led to them.  I have dealt with several hundred couples who have experienced infidelity, even repeated infidelity and all the deceit that goes with it and yet through forgiveness and healthy, real love development many are happy, successful couples today.

The most amazing examples of forgiveness I have seen came in my work with the parents and families of murdered children.  Parents who sit before the convicted murders of their own, most precious children and yet still offer forgiveness to those murders.  They love beyond my own love capabilities but not beyond my ability to be awed by them.  Intellectually I understand that those who do not forgive are likely to never heal and to be forever be more troubled.

Emotionally my heart goes out to those who cannot yet forgive and experience the healing which forgiveness brings.  When we forgive we are on the path to recovery.  When we forgive we can let go and let that which wounded us recede into our past.  Frequently forgiveness offers the one who is doing the forgiving more than what is offered to the one who is forgiven.  To not forgive is to not let a wound heal and continues the harm one has experienced.

Forgiveness Is about the Future More Than the Past

Forgiveness offers a chance for a cleaner, lighter, brighter future.  To not forgive poisons the future by carrying the past into it.  This works as much for the one doing the forgiveness as the one receiving it.  Honest to God, real love demands and requires forgiveness for both individuals and relationships so that the future of both has a chance. The future of both individuals and relationships can be especially sabotaged by seeking revenge, trying to ‘get even’, recrimination and bitter, endless judgmentalism.

Forgiveness does not have to be coupled with giving someone another chance but if another chance is to be attempted loving forgiveness is likely to be essential.  Forgiveness clears the way for making new and better things happen.  It is especially necessary in any ongoing, couple’s life together.  In every couple’s relationship there are small, medium and sometimes large things to be forgiven, gotten past and left behind.  This also can be true of most deep friendships and lots of family relationships.  This also is true of self forgiveness.

A Surprising Reason for Why We Don’t Forgive

“ I can’t forgive her!  I just can’t forgive her cheating on me.  I can’t forgive or forget her adultery”.  This was Jake’s painful lament as he sat in front of me to start working on his recovery from discovering his wife in bed with another.  I said, “Yes, you were hurt tremendously by your wife’s betrayal but I have to ask you, Jake, what do you have yet to learn from this terrible experience?”  Jake replied “Why do you ask that? “ My reply was “Because in my experience sometimes we cannot forgive because we have yet to learn what we need to learn”.

Jake at first was baffled.  However, in time and with work he discovered he had had a part to play which had helped motivate his wife toward cheating.  He didn’t cause it but he contributed to it, and he needed to learn his part so he wouldn’t do it again.  He slowly came to realize he too often was far too unloving, indifferent, inattentive and uncaring.  He took his wife and his marriage for granted while mostly focusing his life on career success.

Jake also prioritized being tough, strong and authoritative far above being loving or lovable.  In human interaction “winning” was much more important to him than cooperation and collaboration.  This especially was true in the way he treated his wife and his children.  Jake remembered his troubled teenage daughter once saying to him, “There’s just no way I can win with you, Dad.  So I’m going to quit trying.”  After that they grew increasingly distant from one another.

Sex and Forgiveness

One other thing Jake learned concerned his own sexuality. He was secretly afraid other men were more potent and could sexually perform better than he.  As long as he was secretly insecure, forgiving his wife’s sexual infidelity meant facing his fear that he was sexually inadequate and that his wife had sexually experienced something better than he had to offer.  However, once he had discovered and admitted this openly in therapy he became surprisingly open to developing a new and better sexuality, forgiving his wife, and starting with her again as she had asked him to do.
This is often the way it works.

Once a person learns what they need to learn about themselves and their own areas of weakness that need strengthening, it becomes a bit easier to forgive.  This can be true even for people who have been heavily brought up to believe that sexual infidelity is unforgivable.  Is it not interesting that what is sexually unforgivable in one culture is fairly unimportant in another, and even is considered admirable in still another culture.

The Risk of Forgiveness

Another reason we don’t forgive is that unless it is done with wisdom forgiveness can set you up for repeated, painful experiences.  For many people forgiveness is not offered because they fear it makes them vulnerable and more likely to be hurt again.  When forgiveness is seen as something ‘you do in your heart’ and that it is all right to join forgiveness with adequate self protection, it becomes an easier choice (See the entry Forgiveness in Healthy Self-Love).

It is important to realize that forgiveness can put you at risk.  It is perfectly healthy to limit your risk to something you are pretty sure you can handle.  Could you say and mean something like “I forgive you but I have my own problem of being vulnerable and repeating my own mistakes, so I’m not going to return to our relationship again.  Therefore, I forgive you and wish you well.  Goodbye.”  That’s one way to deal with the risk of forgiveness.

Love often takes risking or gambling on the person you love.  That often means you do give them another chance and risk again experiencing deception, betrayal and emotional pain.  Strong and sufficient love often pushes us to forgive and risk again.  That does not mean to try in ways that enable and reward being used and misused endlessly.  Cooperatively making a clearly defined contract or agreement before starting over may help to minimize the risk and pain.

Big Love Forgives, Small Love Does Not

Some people never forgive the transgressions committed against them (real or imagined).  Some hold grudges until the day they die.  Those who are big enough and strong enough to forgive, give their love relationships a chance for renewal and new, ongoing success.  Without forgiveness many, perhaps most, love relationships deteriorate and die, or at least become comatose.  Forgiveness often takes being brave and loving in a big way.

If your own personal strengths are too weak or your love not powerful don’t forgive because you may not survive what you risk.  However, if your love is real, big and bold and you have powerful character strengths forgiveness maybe is what it will take to achieve a great, lasting, love relationship.  Sheila said, “He forgave me when no one else would.  How can I not love him more and better than anyone else and choose to spend my life with him?”  Some of the best love relationships could not come into being until there was great forgiveness – given and received.  That is the way of big love.

Growing Forgiveness

If you are having trouble forgiving someone for something there are ways to work on it  and win yourself the freedom forgiveness brings.  You can work on coming to understand why someone choose a path of action that hurt you.  If you can see through their eyes, feel their feelings and comprehend their thinking it may give you considerable assistance in the forgiving process.  Understanding is best done with compassion and empathy.  You don’t have to agree or call what they did ‘right’ to do that.  You also can work to understand how your own actions and words may have contributed to their transgressions.  Furthermore, you can work to understand your weakness which made you so vulnerable to being hurt, and from that you may find a way to grow stronger and defend against that vulnerability.

Another work you can do is to accept that you and all other humans are imperfect beings prone to making mistakes and needing forgiveness so that progress can go on.  Sometimes it helps to know that major religions the world over preach and teach forgiveness as the way of love.  If you work at it you can grow forgiveness and if you do not you may be stuck in the self poisoning of non-forgiveness.  If you are in a ongoing, love relationship with a lover, spouse, friend or family member and are not sufficiently forgiving, or they are not, see if you can both go to a good relational, love-oriented therapist who can help both of you get forgiveness to start growing.  Lasting love relationships require forgiveness skills and practices, or they don’t last.

There are books to read which can help.  May I suggest you take a look at Dare to Forgive by Dr. E.M. Hollowell, and Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope by a Dr. Worthington.  There are lots of counselors and therapists, and especially couples and family therapists, who are good at assisting two or more people with growing forgiveness and its many mutual benefits.

The Forgiveness Challenge

If you are going to do healthy, real love of anyone I suggest you develop your forgiveness skills.  Every human relationship that is ongoing will need some forgiveness, sometimes a lot of forgiveness.  The nature of love itself challenges you to be forgiving so that healing, repairing and love’s continuation can happen.  It is important that your forgiveness be done wisely so that it does not reward and reinforce dysfunction.  It often is important that your forgiveness be abundant and generous, but also wisely given.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Who have you not forgiven, for what, and what effect is that having on you?

Related posts:

1. Forgiveness in Healthy Self-Love
2. Catharsis Empathy – A Love Skill
3. Talking to Feelings First, Then Topics – A Love Skill
4. Infidelity and Love
5. Dining with Heart – A Love Skill 

Love Active Enough?

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson first proclaims love takes action; then goes on to discuss some common things that are mistakenly relied upon in people’s mindsets concerning love to take the place of action; much more.

Love Takes Action!

Are you love active enough?  Lots of people are not and that can lessen, spoil and even ruin a love relationship and a lot of life.

Some say healthy, real love works both like a very nurturing food and a healing medicine.  However, love has to be actively given for it to do any good. Therefore, giving love takes actions.  If love is not actively given, shown, demonstrated, delivered through actions, the people you love may become love hungry, love malnourished and love starved.  If someone you love is in need of love’s healing effects that person may not cure, recover or recuperate from whatever ails them nearly as well or as quickly as they might with a lot of love actions coming their way.

Relying on Just Knowing

“I know he (or she) loves me but they don’t show it much or hardly at all”.  In counseling that sort of statement is something I have heard time and time again.  Knowing someone loves you is good but it is like being aware food is in the pantry but not getting to eat it.  Yet many people have been brought up on the idea that knowing someone, like a spouse or parent or mate, loves you should be enough.  That does help a little but it doesn’t lead to living a love-abundant life or even a love-sufficient existence.  Just knowing, without healthy real love being actively given and received, won’t meet anyone’s minimum daily requirement for optimized functioning.

Relying on Love’s Magic

“I guess I just thought love took care of itself, and that it was sort of like magic and once you were in love you didn’t have to do all that much about it.  Then I got served with divorce papers.  What a horrible shock that was.”  This was the lament of a person working hard to figure  out how to get their spouse back and repair their neglected marriage. Quite a few people sort of subconsciously think love will sort of magically take care of itself and the people in the love relationship.  That is like a farmer thinking the crops will water, fertilize and harvest themselves.

Relying on Your Spouse/Mate

“Women should take care of everything that has to do with love along with the children, the house and the social calendar.  We men have to take care of making a living, the yard, house repairs, cars and making sure everyone is protected and safe.  That’s the way my daddy taught me.  I guess life used to work that way but it doesn’t anymore.  So, what is it I have to learn about this love thing?”  This somewhat reluctant insight was voiced by an older gentleman admittedly more enamored of the past than the present.  But he did love his wife so he was willing to learn the new ways his wife was insisting on.  And actually in time he got quite good at it, and was as good about his new love action skills as his wife was.

Relying on Custom

“He forgot my birthday again.  He never holds my chair for me, or opens the door for me and he has yet to get me flowers.  I thought if he really loved me he was supposed to do those things.  Now I’m hearing I have to ask for these things if they don’t happen.  If he really loves me isn’t he just supposed to know to do these things and then do them?  If I have to ask doesn’t that spoil it?”  Well probably this gal’s guy did not learn the same things she learned about how love was to be shown.

In fact he may not have learned anything about actively showing love.  Therefore, communication that is quite clear and specific is likely to be needed.  Yes, she will have to lovingly ask for what she wants and probably will have to do a good job of it repeatedly.  She also probably will have to look at how he does show his love and learn to recognize it, applauded it and appreciate it.

Relying on Sex

“She seems to think that because we have great sex that’s enough but I want more.  I want us to share our dreams, our hopes, our fears and everything else important.  I want us to talk and enjoy going places together just as a couple.  I want us to share the rest of life and there’s so much more to it than great sex.”  This was the complaint of a fellow who had previously pretty much relied on sex to take care of all his love needs.  He had found a woman with the same mindset but now he wanted more.  Their relationship had shrunk and become increasingly unsatisfactory.  With couple’s enrichment work this couple did fine, as do many couples who discover their relationship has been too love inactive.

Ways to Become More Fully Love Active

Examine the areas of behavior listed below in which people can be ‘love active’.  See if you think you are sufficiently love active in each of them.  If not, you can choose particular actions to add to your behaviors so that you show your love more fully.  You might also wish to talk to those you love about which areas they would like you to improve in, and ask for suggestions as to the particular behaviors they might like to see you begin to do.  Of course, you might want to give them similar information and suggestions.

Areas of Behavior in Which People Can Be Love Active

Basic Love Action Areas
1.Tactile (physical touch) love actions
(including affectionate touch, comforting touch, romantic touch and sexual touch)

2. Expressional love actions (nonverbal expressions)
(including facial expression, tonal expression, gesture and postural change)

3. Verbal love actions
(including spoken, written and electronic messaging)

4. Gifting actions
(including tangible object giving, experience giving, favors, errands, providing services, etc.)

Median Composite Love Action Areas
5. Affirmational love actions
(including compliments, praises, thanks, valuing, supporting, honoring, etc.)

6. Self-disclosure love actions
(including sharing and showing emotions, thoughts, actions, hopes, fears, dreams, confessions, secrets and personal intimate and idiosyncratic ways of being, plus sharing one’s physical self)

7. Tolerational love actions
(including being patient, accepting, understanding, enduring, giving clemency, leniency, and benevolence, and being flexible, nonjudgmental, etc.)

8. Receptional love actions
(including showing and stating appreciativeness, sincere thankfulness, etc. and fully absorbing love shown to you)

Advanced Love Action Areas
9. Protectional love actions
(including protectiveness, watchfulness, safeguarding, defending, preserving, care taking, protective guidance giving, guardianship, escorting, security providing, shielding, health assistance, etc.)

10. Nurturing love actions
(including any and all actions which assist a person’s healthful growth and development, actualization of potential and healthful strengthening)

11. Bonding love actions
(including any and all acts which bring about a sense of connectedness, closeness, loyalty, intimate affiliation, etc.)

12. Metaphysical love actions
(including joint or intercessory prayer and/or mutuality in meditation, worship, liturgical practices, joint experiencing of the oceanic, transcendental and awe-inspiring)

As you can see love actions are divided into three major classifications or areas and 12 subcategories or types of love action.  Within each are hundreds of possible individual love actions.  One thing you might do is think of a specific action you might do in each of the 12 types of love action listed above.  You also might talk to someone you love about what they might want done in each of the above 12 categories.  For healthy self-love action you might consider self loving actions having to do with each of the love action areas and categories above.

Hopefully this will help you become sufficiently and perhaps even abundantly ‘love active’, if you are not already.

As always – Go and Grow in Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
What will happen in your life if you are not sufficiently love active?