Synopsis: The cheating lover; conclusions are your enemy; is your
reality real?; self-fulfilling prophecies; learning to know you cannot
know; what’s the loving way?; assumption mistakes; loving checkouts use
love; how to receive check out questions.
The Cheating Lover
The love skill of ‘checking it out’ is
super-important. Here’s an example. She suspected her lover of
cheating and secretly followed him to the train station. She saw him
greet with a hug and kiss a very pretty, young female that she did not
know. Her suspicion was mounting. Unnoticed she followed them to a
small, romantic looking, Italian restaurant and through the window she
saw how they laughed together, held hands across the table and acted in
little ways that could only be called personal. She could feel her
anger mounting. Then she followed them to his house where she hid all
night furiously imagining what they were doing.
The young woman and her lover did not emerge until late the next
morning. They came out smiling with his arm around her. In an
overwhelming, jealous rage she pulled out a small pistol from her purse
and shot her cheating lover dead. Then she shot but only wounded the
female. She was confused to see other people run out from his house,
and with others on the street they captured her. Soon she was in
custody. It was only then she learned a terrible truth. The
attractive, young girl was her lover’s niece just returned from college
in Europe, and the people who emerged from her lover’s house were the
niece’s parents who had arrived at the house earlier the day before.
This is the worst example I know of a person not checking out their
conclusions and as a result causing agony and tragedy. Most other bad
outcomes are not nearly that serious but, nevertheless, they are
important and often hurtful. This lack of ‘checking it out’ causes
countless mini-tragedies, not to mention ever so many hours spent on
clearing up misinterpretations, misunderstandings, misperceptions,
miscommunications and relationship misses of all types.
Conclusions Are Your Enemy
“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m
not good enough for you; I know that because I can tell it by the look
on your face. Don’t deny it”. The reply was “No, honestly I was
wondering how we can get past this problem with my parents and worrying
that I’m going to be late for work.”. The retort to that reply was
“You’re a liar. I’m through with you. I can’t trust you to tell me the
truth so I don’t ever want to see you again. I can’t stand liars and
this just proves you are a damn liar!”. This sort of dialogue is all
too common in the lives of many couples, and families and even some
friendships. It makes relationships deteriorate and sometimes even
die. When I give this kind of example at workshops and seminars I often
hear the question, “Dr. Cookerly, what makes this sort of interaction
happen and what can be done about it?”
Is Your Reality Real?
So much of so many people’s ‘reality’ is created by
their fears or their desires. Let’s look at an example. She perceived
he was leering at her, day after day at work, until finally she felt so
uncomfortable she officially complained that he was sexually harassing
her. Then she learned he was so nearsighted he was nearly legally
blind. It turned out he also had a gay lover. Later in counseling, she
confessed to herself that she both feared and secretly wanted him to
lust for her. Both her desire and her fear combined together to give
her an interpretation of her perceptions that was totally mistaken.
Repeating her mistaken interpretation day after day made it seem
absolutely, without a doubt, true because it happened over and over
everyday.
Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
He noticed that every time his wife came into the
bedroom she seemed to have a frown on her face. He interpreted this as
meaning ‘no sex tonight’. He silently got increasingly bitter and
subtly hostile. She noticed that every time she came into their dark,
shadow-filled bedroom he seemed to act irritated and looked stoney.
This she silently interpreted as him rejecting and not wanting her
sexually or any other way. She concluded that he was no longer
attracted to her, and suspected he no longer loved her, and with that
she became depressed.
Finally with a counselor’s help to stop the rapidly deteriorating
relationship situation they had accidentally created, they found out the
truth. It turned out she came into the bedroom frowning trying to see
what was happening in its darkness especially trying to see his facial
expression revealing his emotions. He secretly feared he was becoming
sexually inadequate and she didn’t want to make love with him anymore.
He saw his fear as his reality. He did not check it out.
She feared
she was unlovable, unattractive, unwanted and that became her reality.
She did not check it out. Thus, in a sort of ‘accidental teamwork’ they
prophesied what they feared and almost made it come true. Had they not
sought help through couples counseling they might never have discovered
the truth which saved their relationship.
Learning to Know That You Can’t Know
Have you ever said or heard someone say “don’t tell
me what I think”. More elaborately some people have heard “don’t tell
me what I feel, don’t tell me what you’re sure I did, and absolutely
don’t tell me what you’re sure I’m going to do. You can suspect it,
propose it, hypothesize it, recommend it, or warn me about its
possibility, but don’t be arrogantly sure and act like you know it, or
like you totally know me”. The truth is all perceptions are
misperceptions, at least a little.
Consider this lover’s statement. “If you tell me the thoughts you
know I’m having, or the emotions you’re positive I’m experiencing, you
dishonor me as an independent-equal-other. I have the democratic, human
freedom to change, surprise and live in many different ways. None of
us knows the future, and the best any of us can do is make educated and
lucky guesses. People are infinitely variable. Know that you cannot
fully know who I am today, and know that our knowledge of each other is
constantly going out of date. Therefore, our knowledge of one another
is repeatedly in need of refreshment. That’s part of what makes a good
love relationship loving.
We always must be checking to see what the new variations are, always
be alert to the surprises both large and small, positive and negative.
Let us always be exploring each other, and always checking out what we
think the other one is doing, thinking, feeling, hoping for, fearing,
dreaming and everything else. In that way we can be forever new to one
another. So, my lover, never ‘know for sure’ that you know who I am
today, and please always be interested to find that out, just as I am
curious to discover you.”
“You’re mad at me” is better said “Are you mad at me” or “What are
you feeling right now”. “You’re depressed” might better be said “Maybe
you’re depressed”. “You’re horny” might better be expressed “I think
I’m seeing signs of you being horny, and I sure want to be right about
that” or just “ I hope what I’m seeing means you’re horny”.
Learning to talk with
checkout statements
instead of pronouncements and declarations is a love skill that many
people have to work at because they didn’t grow up around people talking
that way. Talking from conclusions, that never get checked out, often
is heard as rude, as an attempt at being controlling and quite
disrespectful, although it only may be a speech habit someone grew up
with. We all can learn how to say things better with love.
What’s the Loving Way?
Basically the more loving way goes like this. You
perceive that a person you love is feeling , thinking or doing
something. Do not conclude that you perceive accurately. As almost any
perceptual psychologist will tell you, no two people looking at the
same thing, hearing the same thing, or in any other way perceiving the
same thing will have the exact same interpretation of what they have
perceived. It’s amazing how different it is ‘over there’ in the minds
of other people, even those you know well and love well.
When the loving way is used well it helps relationships be ever more
interesting. Once you have your perception, understand it is best
conceived of like a scientist with the hypothesis, yet to be proved, or
disproved and replaced with a better hypothesis. So, what you say to a
loved one is a
checkout statement.
Checkout statements can go something like this: “Whatcha feeling,
Honey? Your looks suggest that you’re feeling something. What is it?, I
am getting the impression that you’d like something but I’m not quite
sure what it is. Could you tell me, Sweetheart, so I don’t have to
guess and maybe get it wrong. Would it be okay if you tell me what’s
going on with you?”, “I’m suspecting that you’re depressed, or maybe
angry, or something. What are you feeling right now; I want to help if I
can”.
Assumption Mistakes
I trust you know the old adage that says “to assume
makes an ass out of you and me. So often assumptions set us up for
relationship chaos, or worse. Here’s such an example. He assumed that
the cake on the table was for him and the rest of the family so he ate
some of it, and oh did he get screeched at for not checking it out
because that cake was for her club’s party that night. However, she
soon figured out she had assumed everyone would know that, and would
leave the cake alone. Another example: he assumed all women like love
making soft and tender. She assumed real he-men like it rough and
tough, just the way she does. Both were very disappointed until they
were able to
check out their assumptions and find out the real truth. After that, things got better.
Sometimes it’s hard to know that your operating on an assumption
because they’re sort of automatic. People who love each other can help
each other discover their own, and each other’s assumptions; that can be
part of the loving ways to check each other out.
Loving Checkouts Use Love
As an act of love, it’s good to check out just about
everything that might be important. As an act of love, bear in mind
that what you remember is always different than what another remembers.
It’s sad that so many arguments are about whose memory is the correct
one. It would take a time machine or somebody video and audio recording
an event for us to really know.
Memory research tell us ‘all memories are distorted and slowly
undergoing change’. So, regarding memories, check out what your loved
one remembers and don’t fight about it if it is different than what you
remember. You might want to say something like “Darling, it’s my memory
that X, Y, Z happened. Is that your memory?” If it’s not very similar
to yours see if you can operate from both. It’s surprising how often
that can be lovingly accomplished. When you are checking things out
the basic idea is to sound and look loving, and maybe use terms of
endearment, and also some loving touch. This gives a checkout a good
chance of being a love-filled experience for both of you.
How to Receive Checkout Questions
It’s important to be lovingly nice when a loved one
asks you checkout questions. Sometimes that’s hard to do because
sometimes the request comes at an interrupting time. Angrily replying
“Can’t you see your interrupting me”, or huffing and puffing to
nonverbally send the same message, likely will sabotage the next hour or
more of your precious time. Almost always, love is more important than
whatever else you’re doing, so be loving. Remember, all things can be
said with love and in a love relationship that’s a goal to aim at.
Sometimes checkout questions come across pretty awful. Here’s an
example. In fear and anger she said, “I know you’re just going to the
gym so you can ogle those sexy sluts that go there. I’m sure you’d
rather take one of them to bed than me. I know I’m right, so don’t deny
it. It’s true isn’t it?”
Well, in a very poor way, that at least is an effort to check
something out, but it’s not exactly love-filled, however, his reply
was. He responded with, “Sweetie, I suspect you’re feeling pretty
insecure and could use some reassurance right now. I really love you
and would never get involved with anyone else because you and I are so
very bonded in love together, and those girls are just part of the
passing parade”. She sort of whimpered and moved closer to him as he
held out his arms to embrace her. She more softly said, “You do like
looking at those girls though don’t you?”
He replied, “Yes I do and
probably always will, but looking is the extent of it. You are the only
one I’m ever going to put my time and love-energy into. The rest is
just eye candy, and I’m already well fed. None of them can hold a
candle to you in anything that really counts, so be reassured” They
hugged and things were good between them.
It is important to see that when someone negatively suspects
something of you, and it’s true, you best agree and share it truthfully,
but with lots of love. That too is part of the love skills involved
here.
So, check it out – often and with love.
As always – Go and Grow with Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
♥ Love Success Question
How would you rate yourself on “checking it out” instead of
making concrete conclusions about what your loved ones are thinking,
feeling or otherwise doing? Are you superior, rather good, fairly okay,
poor, or inferior? (Whatever you are, you can improve if you want to
and work at it).
