What is LOVE, Dr. Cookerly?

Non-Defensiveness - A Love Skill

Synopsis: This mini-love-lesson starts with discussing offensive defensiveness; goes on to how we “see through a glass darkly”; and take offense when none is meant; and ends with “when the best defense is no defense”.

Offensive Defensiveness

Lots of defensiveness comes across as being quite offensive and, therefore, is anti-loving. People frequently become defensive when they feel blamed, threatened, unjustly accused, putdown, judged, rejected, at a disadvantage, unfairly treated or wronged.

Often frustration, urgency and anger wells up inside them and spills out into the way they express their defense of themselves. Mentally they are trying to present their understandings, reasons, perceptions and memories to back up, prove or excuse their version of the issues at hand. Emotionally they are upset and it shows.

With urgency, frustration and perhaps anger showing in the way they say what they say, they are perceived as attacking. Frequently this triggers a defensive counter-attack. When that happens we get two people who are increasingly, defensively offensive in the way they are treating each other. Both are trying to prove that their version of things is right and the other one’s is wrong or that they are more okay than the other person who is attacking them. They think they are just defending themselves and they have to defend because they are under attack. This often means that no one really is listening to the other one but rather they are trying to come up with the next thing to prove themselves right and the other one wrong. None of this is helpful to the processes of love!

Seeing through a Glass Darkly

“I know I’m right and you’re wrong, and that’s all there is to it”. “The way I remember things is accurate and yours is not”. “Your thinking is stupid and you ought to be able to see that my way is the one, true and only way to see things”. “ I’m telling the truth so you must be lying”. “I did not do what you accuse me of, and how could you even think that I did”. “That was not the way it happened”. “You must be crazy to think that way”. These are the kinds of defensive statements that are easily seen as being offensive rather than simply defensive. They often emerge from a mindset that does not fully understand that other people’s minds work quite differently than their own and, therefore, see and understand things differently than they do.

Are you fully aware that no two minds see anything in exactly the same way? Are you fully aware that no two people ever remember anything exactly the same way? Are you fully aware that memories change over time? Are you fully aware that our current needs and wants alter and influence what and how we perceive our world. An example of this is a hungry person and someone who has just eaten, driving down the street will see the street differently. The hungry person is likely to see many more signs for restaurants while the person who has just eaten may see none at all.

How your loved ones perceive the world, remember it and understand it will never be exactly the same as your way. This means that when you are talking to them they will understand your actions, words and everything else at least a little and sometimes a lot differently than you do. Some of their perceptions and understandings may upset you. When that happens you may think they are upsetting you on purpose, or they are trying to attack you, prove you wrong, insult you, put you down or just get you upset.

When you perceive their words or actions that way you are likely to become defensive in an offensive, anti-loving way. That produces disagreements, arguments, fights and other problematic results that can be avoided if handled differently and more lovingly. When we expect other people to think like we do, we see into their minds and hearts very much like looking through a very dark glass. We miss a lot and we get only blurry dark images which are easily misinterpreted.

Taking Offense When None Is Meant

Conclusions based on misinterpretation are another way that people feel demeaned, insulted or disrespected, often leading to them becoming defensive. “How rude. He went right to bed after our company left and he didn’t even ask me if I wanted his help in cleaning up. He must not respect me at all. I must be totally unimportant to him. Maybe he really doesn’t love me anymore. If he is going to treat me that way I’m going to stop having sex with him. I guess I will have to be cold and distant to protect myself”.

The person who said this got around to realizing she had not asked him to stay and help her. The next day she angrily asked him if she had requested him to stay what would he have done? He said he would have been glad to stay and help and keep her company, and he actually thought she wanted some time to be by herself after the company left. She did not believe him and they had a fight. Later they apologized to each other realizing they had destructively non-communicated. Sadly many people believe their first conclusion instead of ‘checking it out’ and hearing how the other person perceived the situation.

Learn to say things like “maybe I took you the wrong way, did you mean to say something that might make me feel bad?”. “I think I’m hearing that you’re mad at me or maybe just upset, but I could be making a misinterpretation. I think I need to hear you better, so could you tell me what you’re feeling and thinking so I really can understand?” “Could you tell me a little more clearly what you’re thinking and feeling?” These ‘check it out’ questions and statements can avoid a lot of the disharmony caused by offensive defensiveness.

When No Defense Is the Best Defense

When you feel attacked it is entirely possible that you are being attacked. Then again, it might be that someone just wants you to show care by kindly listening to their cathartic release of bad feelings. Maybe they just want to know they have been truly heard and are not all alone in their feelings. If you jump to your own defense, giving reasons and explanations that counter what they are saying maybe you are not really listening to their emotions – which often is what they really want. If you defend yourself with a counterattack they certainly won’t feel lovingly heard or dealt with.

The more loving thing to do usually is to help them get said whatever has been building up inside them and is now spilling out – often this means looking at them with love, saying responsive things like “I’m sorry you feel . . . (whatever is appropriate)” or “I can see that really upset you” or “Ahh!” After that there may be room for what you might want to add but by then it may not be necessary. If your own thinking tells you that they are wrong, and you have to prove them wrong and then everything will be settled, you are likely to be wrong about that. If a loved one is upset with you try to lovingly listen instead of defending yourself and you are much more likely to get a good outcome.

Of course, this is hard to do when something inside you is commanding you to defend yourself and is saying “if they just knew my truth they would see things like I see things and everything would get better”. Has that approach ever really worked for you?. Not until they get their upset feelings released is a loved one’s hearing system likely to start functioning. It’s like they have to get something out of their system before they’ll have room to put anything new in. So, if you just show carrying interest instead of defensiveness you are much more likely to get a better outcome.

Even though you feel an urgent need to show them the error of their thinking and how they are unjustly attacking you, don’t do it. Try just listening with care. You do not have to agree, or accept or acquiesce to anything. You just have to stay okay enough to really hear what your loved one is saying and feeling. Getting defensive really gets in the way of that.

It also is important to know that when you defend yourself by saying a lot of words to a loved one, while they are still trying to get their thoughts and feelings out, you may be doing something which gets called “feeding their fire”. The more you feed their fire the more likely you are to get burned. You might want to learn about ‘reflective listening’, ‘active listening’ and loving listening which tend to work a lot better then defending your point of view, your version of what happened, or your ego.
After things settle down because you have been non-defensive and have done some good, loving listening to your upset loved one, they may be able to listen to you.

Remember to say what you have got to say with loving tones of voice and democratically, not judgmentally or in an autocratic, dogmatic or dictatorial style. It usually works best to mix a lot of love into your truths. Loving looks and sounds, using terms of endearment and maybe some affectionate touch can make a world of difference. Not to mix love into your way of expressing what you want to say to a loved one can result in a lot of contention and disharmony.

Please remember, in a love relationship all things can be said with love and are better said with love.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question
Who is the best listener you know, and are you copying them?

Finding Love

Mini-Love-Lesson #254

The First Place to Look

The first place to find love is inside yourself. If you have good, healthy, sufficient self-love your chances of finding good, healthy, real love go up dramatically. If you are hoping that someone loving you will make you okay and then you will be able to love yourself, that can happen but there is a danger.

When you are really hungry for love you may accept anything that looks like love but all too likely, it will not be the real thing. If you are starved and desperate for love, you are in danger of becoming entangled in a destructive false love. So, work on your healthy, real self-love and you are much more likely to draw someone to you of quality and real love ability (see “Getting Healthy, Real Love in Your Life”).

Non-Conscious and Conscious Searching

If you are undernourished for love or just love hungry, your subconscious (deeper parts of your brain) probably are actively searching for love sources whether your conscious mind knows it or not. Some people believe the romantic myth that if you consciously go looking for love, you won’t find it because love has to be something you fall into or it falls upon you. Believing that just may make it harder to find. Mounting evidence strongly suggests that your conscious cooperating with your subconscious while looking for love is likely to work best.

What Is “Finding Love”?

Let us be clear about what finding love really means. Most people mean finding a special heart-mate to love and be loved by in an emotionally close life partner way. Some just mean a good sex partner and others just want someone to be officially married to, while still others want an endless romantic involvement. There are lots of people who definitely do not mean finding an equal adult-to-adult life partner kind of love. There are lots of people who say they want to find love but their real reasons have nothing to do with actual love. They may just want safety, to be taken care of, someone to control or be controlled by, etc.

So it is very important that you become clear about what finding love is really all about for you. Do you know enough about love to be reasonably sure that is what you really are looking for? (See “Definitions of Love Series”) Do you know enough about yourself to know why you are looking to find love? It could be it just is natural to do that but are there other reasons?

Quite a few relational authorities who think that what we really are doing when we are hoping to find love is actually looking to find a good candidate to grow a healthy, real, lasting love life with. Once we find a good candidate our subconscious finds acceptable enough, we then start on the issues of learning how to do love-relating with that person – or not.

Two Ways to Find

Accidentally just stumbling across something or actively searching for something are the two ways to find anything, including love. Actively searching works better if you do it smart (see“Hunting for Love”). Furthermore, when you actively think about searching for a heart-mate, you learn more and you lessen the risk involved in making the gamble of love. Also, remember love does not have to always be from just one, special other spouse-type person. You can get and give love lots of different ways, in lots of different forms of relationship (see “A Dozen Kinds of Love to Have in Your Life”).

Knowing Love When You Find It

The romantic myth is you will just know it when you find it because it will feel so strong and different from everything else. A great many divorced people say they used to believe that myth. The truth is several forms of false love feel just a strong and make people feel just as sure they found real love as does authentic love. Another truth is that attraction is not love but it gets easily confused with falling in love (see “Attraction or Love or What?”, Link “Fatal Attraction Syndrome – A False Form of Love”, “False Forms of Love: Unresolved Conflict Attraction Syndrome”). Some people say you can not know if it is real love or not until you have given it at least six months to grow (see “It Might Be Healthy, Real Love If...”, “Love Is Patient”, “Definitions of Love Series”).

What Most People Are Looking For

One way to find love is by looking for its characteristics showing up in people you meet. More together, okay and mature people see the prime, characteristic feature of love to be caring. Caring is the tendency to empathetically and emotionally care and to behaviorally give care to others especially when they are in distress. To care about the well-being, the feelings (both physical and emotional), the growth and development, the quality of life and the future of a person are all involved here. Caring shows high valuing of who and what is cared about which is a major characteristic of healthy, real love. Without caring, the ability to love, at best, is limited.

The second characteristic is the ability to be and interact intimately. That means emotionally, sexually, mentally and behaviorally. It also means to make oneself vulnerable via authentic self-disclosure of what is real within oneself. That can include idiosyncrasies, failings, foibles, weaknesses and ordinariness. But it also includes revealing what is confident, successful, excellent and just plain good about oneself. Good intimacy also includes lovingly dealing with the same factors coming from another in ways that show tolerance, acceptance, noncritical understanding and affirmation.

The third factor most more okay people see as representing love is the ability to emotionally connect and, once connected, become dedicated to staying caringly connected irrespective of any and all difficulties that might destroy the caring connection. This characteristic usually is called commitment.

The fourth factor has to do with having and demonstrating strong, positive feelings about and for a loved one. It is sometimes known as passionate love and may include sexual feelings and actions but it also involves being intensely for and on the side of the loved. Feelings of being bonded to and loyal to the loved one also are included here.

Less mature, less okay and certain, but not all, more emotionally troubled individuals are much more likely to think attraction impulses and feelings signify real, heart-mate love. All too often, this attraction-based belief does not work out well for lasting, love relating. Attraction can lead to love beginning but it is a different thing.

Finding Someone Good to Love and be Loved By

To find that special someone, do lots and lots of active looking. Do that looking as many ways as possible but do it smart. Go where love-oriented people go. They go where they can be caring to, for and about others, and/or for things of intense, intrinsic value. They often have careers or avocations that work to achieve worthy, constructive results that benefit others. They tend to volunteer for stuff that makes improvements happen of one sort or another. They may be involved in adamant love for various causes having to do with making the world a better place to live in (see “Adamant Love – And How It Wins for Us All”). Whatever they do they tend to use whatever they can for the good of somebody or something.

Some people are kind of afraid to love someone like that. They may fear not being good enough or becoming trapped in a goody good, societal sphere. That is seldom the case. Such people, as described here, often are iconoclastic, individualistic to a fault, and fierce about fighting for what they believe in. They also can be quite fun-loving and positive about life.

Love-able and love-oriented people can be found almost anywhere but not so much where more harm is being done than good, or where there is more greed-orientation than contributory. Their position often is more of the “I win, you win, everybody can win” approach than of the “I must win, you must lose to me” way of dealing with the world.

The Three A’s for Finding Love

The three A’s for finding love stand for assertiveness, attitude and action. When you use these your chances for finding healthy, real love start to look good. So, let’s look at each.

Assertiveness means being friendly and lovingly assertive and it is not to be confused with aggressiveness. Aggressiveness can mean being pushy, annoying, contentious, snide and a host of other undesirable things. Friendly, loving assertiveness is accomplished by smiles and pleasant facial expressions, gestures, posture movement, voice tones and positive word choice. Friendly, loving assertiveness tends to attract an array of rather fine people.

Attitude means something you first do for yourself. Many people find they can self-talk themselves into a good attitude. A bold, socially adventuresome attitude helps a lot. Developing a good attitude gets you ready to take the necessary social risks for finding a good heart-mate. Being mindful of your physical safety is important but being too socially safe gets in the way. If you get yourself embarrassed you probably doing something right. Think about the attitude you want to project. Loving, friendly, caring, sexy, joyous, healthful, confident, self- loving (not arrogant) and love-positive toward life likely will do you well.

Action means do just about everything you can think of to do and also enjoy the adventure of it all. Yes, use the Internet but also go some places and get a bit involved. Everything from A for art to Z for zoos has groups of people organized and meeting to support or be involved with those things. Most of these places have some very fine people you probably would like to meet. Self-talk yourself into a good attitude and go assertively and meet some of them. Don’t worry much about what they think of you. Be more concerned with what you think of them but give them a chance and don’t be too negative. That is self-defeating. Scan the group for who looks most interesting and go talk to those people.

Some Other Things to Do

Read these related mini-love-lessons: “Getting Healthy, Real Love In Your Life”, “Above Normal Love”, “From Self-Love to Other Love And Back Again” and “Willing and Ready for Love?”. Give some thought to the study of love itself so you consciously can think about it. That will help you cooperate better with your subconscious in finding what you want. Give some effort to focusing on growing and giving love and the major ways that is done. It’s not all about just getting love. Good heart-mate love usually includes sexuality so if you are not already OK get Ok with sex and especially love expressed in sex along with sexiness.

One More Thing

Talk all this over with some others and see if they might want to go with you as you adventure into new groups of people. While you are at it, please mention this mini-love-lesson and this site. Thank you.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Love Never Fails or Ends

Mini-Love-Lesson #253

Note: This is the 16th and last in our series of What Is Love: A New Testament Reply based on Paul’s description of love and informed by the relational and behavioral sciences.

Synopsis: For your own personal use, explore the proclamations that love never fails or ends; search into the theology and psychology of these precepts; look at mysterious lifelong love; delve into three of the major ways to comprehend Paul’s teachings; contemplate the wide-ranging coverage of the English translations; review a bit of what science says and consider gambling on never and forever.

It’s Over, Or Is It?

Love may never die but love relationships do cease even if love is still felt. Many a divorced person feels a love in their heart for an ex and at the same time they feel a strong, real love for a new spouse. “I love my ex so much better now that I know I don’t have to live there anymore” is an idea I have often heard expressed in post-divorce counseling (see “Exes and Love”).

Love for a child, parent, sibling or other family member or even a deep friend, if estranged or on hold with little or no chance of reactivation, still can persist. For many, once they strongly love someone that love is an ongoing state of being lasting a lifetime. For millions who have lost those dear to their heart due to death, this ongoing love remains very true, real and active. It has always been amazing to me in counseling with help when a client talks to a dead loved one and then listens for a reply, amazing things often happen. Several counseling techniques assist this process but often they are not needed. Replies almost invariably come, whether silently heard or spoken by the client, and most commonly are extremely heartfelt and beneficial to the one grieving.

Intellectually we all know to think that the replies come from the client’s own mind but at the heart level it still works. Clients usually leave those sessions feeling a love connection event has occurred, nurtured them and they are better for it. Perhaps it is because they were able to engage in the action of sending their love but then too they seem to have also received some love in the process.

Then there is the hard to explain, getting a reply containing information that seemingly could not have been known prior to the session. That is rare but it does occur. I can only conclude we see through a glass darkly and, therefore, who really knows what realms love can reach into?

Some think that once love is born and grows, it gets to a certain point of strength where thereafter it is always able to be tapped into and is a lifelong part of us. In those cases, love seems to live on, deep in our subconscious.

Think of the many loving friends who have not seen each other, maybe even for years, and they pick up right where they left off years ago. Think of long lost relatives who do the same thing upon reuniting. Many a parent and child who have been, for one reason or another, sometimes separated for decades rejoining together and manifesting love feelings that seem both old and fresh at the same time. Then there are the exes who broke off relating years ago, then grew and came back together more successfully than before. They rejoin with a love that they sometimes say it both has restarted and it was there all along.

There appears to be much evidence pointing to the truth that, as far as we can tell, real love is indeed often long lasting love. As related by Paul, love may not fail or fade away but indeed be, just possibly, everlasting (see “A Dozen Kinds of Love to Have in Your Life”).

Contemplating and Comprehending Paul On Love

This is the last in our series on Paul’s precepts on what love is and is not and what love does and does not do. This last precept is thought to be a sort of summation teaching aimed at having a final, potent impact with a compelling action-oriented effect. For a great many readers it seems to succeed at that.

There are, however, some interpretation ponderments. Translators seem to see two interrelated but definitely different ways of understanding this teaching. Then to make matters more complicated, other scholarly research appears to point to a third still interrelated yet different discernment.

Paul’s words in ancient biblical Greek are “he agape oudepote ekpiptei”. Eighteen of the 30+ English translation efforts we reviewed decipher this as “love never fails” but eight others as “love never ends” or something very similar. Then other scholarship now understands this to perhaps mean “love never weakens” (see “Spirituality and Love Great and Grand”).

So which is it “love never fails” or “love never ends” or “love never weakens”? It is quite possible Paul’s words mean all three. Just as is true in English, biblical Greek words can have more than one meaning. Sometimes variations of meaning are simultaneously meant to be communicated. Especially is this true in the communications of the more widely educated and intelligent of ancient Greece. Paul was both according to what we know about him.

From a psychological perspective, it can be quite rewarding to include all three in our study and thoughtful usage of Paul’s summation precept on love. Even so, there are some more to be intrigued about, contemplated and understood.

The English Possibilities

“Love never fails” in English has a wide variety of meanings. It can mean love never succumbs, loses, goes down to defeat, and is ever victorious. It also can suggest, love never declines, does not perish, waste away, flag, deteriorate, falter or flounder. Then again, it can be understood as love never collapses, crumbles, is found defective, comes to nothing or is inconsequential. Some put it as real, strong and healthy love always wins out in the end.

“Love has no end and/or love is eternal” can be seen as love always was and always will be, love once begun will last forever, love was and/or is self originating, love is ceaseless, perpetual, timeless, infinitely ongoing and once love is given birth love never dies.

“Love never weakens”, i.e. love never diminishes, depletes, declines, decays, degrades, fades or becomes de-powered is a third rendition being considered for interpretive value.

All of the above can be seen as having possible truth. Arguably, the deity is seen theologically as eternal and omnipotent, plus the nature of deity is understood to be love and, therefore, love also is eternal and of an undiminishing strength. In more than one world religion, these concepts have been posited or are articles of faith (see “7 Other Definitions of Real Love Worth Considering” which includes A Metaphysical Definition of Love).

What Does Science Say?

Science and especially the psychological sciences can not really adequately deal with much in the world of theology. As one researcher put it “We just can’t seem to fit eternity and all the other totality concepts into our labs so, alas, we best treat them as outside our jurisdictions”. That, of course, has not stopped any number of scientists from proclaiming they know the real truths of existence.

The history of science is replete with examples of arrogant proclamations which turned out to be mistaken. It seems all scientific truths are subject to at least greater elaboration later. It would seem that we do well to remember that we see through a glass darkly but with science we probably do see far better and far more than ever before.

From a social sciences point of view, the fact is love relationships do end even if love itself does not. There are those that argue the evidence says love is like everything else – it is something that is born, grows, diminishes and then dies. Arguably that might refer to false love relationships or relationships that did not grow to the point of strength that they could last a lifetime or beyond.

Now on a personal note, let me say that I, as a clinician, have seen and experienced things my scientific self can not come close to adequately explaining. Especially has this been true in matters involving love. I must say that from my astonished and awed perspective it appears the heart often sees far better and further than the mind.

Gambling On Love Eternally Today

A Theolog I knew and respected once wrote me a report on Paul’s precepts which ended with his collective take on Paul’s teachings. It was, “In all circumstances and human relationships, when in doubt: love; it is never wrong to love.” I agree.

I suggest gambling on love is likely, almost always, to be your best bet. Believing or at least hoping and suspecting that love lasts forever and that love relationships may indeed go on beyond the grave is frequently a very life affirming and helpful thing to do.

Here is a suggestion to contemplate. Work at doing ever better love everyday you love someone. Adopt the perspective that it is a joy and privilege to do that work. Therefore, why not hope to do it forever if you can. That, I suggest is an attitudinal gamble well worth taking.

Likewise, there is a usefulness to knowing that at any moment a love relationship can be brought to an abrupt, earthly end. So, do not waste your time, use it to do more love relating actions soon, often and better.

One more little thing. I bet some good things will happen if you get to talk this mini-love-lesson over with some loving others. If you do, then please mention this site and help spread love knowledge around a bit. Thank you.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Quotable question: In the high valley of the heart summer love is easy, but what about in the deep snows of winter?

Love Endures All Things

Mini-Love-Lesson #252

Note: this is the 15th in our series “What Is Love: a New Testament Reply based on Paul’s description of love and informed by the relational and behavioral sciences”.

Synopsis: The amazing, enduring nature of real love along with its big difference from false love; the many and diverse ways of enduring love; the intriguing things Paul may have meant, with a special emphasis on those who endure; the many attacks on love done differently.

Millions of Endurance Miracles

Side-by-side he was with her and she with him as they got past the disfiguring accident, then through the years of serious surgeries and rehab, the loss of a child, a medical insurance-caused bankruptcy and the rejection that came from both their families when they changed religions. They endured it all together and a lot more. Why? How? The answer is real love can empower us to miraculously “endure all things”. Are they happy today? Yes, immensely!

Did they sometimes think about splitting up and looking for an easier way to go? Yes, of course, lots of times. Did they tire of supporting each other and caring for one another when one was down and the other the caretaker? Yes certainly, especially when things seemed hopeless. Were they tempted to seek care-free other love. Yes, in fact when things seemed at their worst both sought and found comfort and support in the arms of others and then they endured recovering from that also. I am pleased to say I had a little to do with that part. For me, the best part was when I was invited to attend their 40th wedding anniversary celebration years after the agonies they had endured were over.

Here is the real miracle. Though it has some unusual features, their story is not as uncommon or as rare as you might at first think. Thousands upon thousands of examples exist showing people, with love’s empowerment, enduring horrendous difficulties of all kinds. Back to the very dawn of written history, there are examples of love relationships enduring hardships, catastrophes, losses, crippling diseases and every sort of tragedy. Time and again, comrades have risked death to save their deeply loved brothers in service, countless parents have toiled for years to give their loved offspring a better life than their own. Lovers have dashed into harms way to save their heartmates, lifelong friends have stayed side-by-side facing nearly endless trials and tribulations. On and on go the stories of love empowered enduring all things (see our book Recovering Love).

False Love Endures Little

When she was hospitalized for three days, her lover did not visit although he did call each day. Everyone else who loved her did visit. He said it was because his amateur sports team had practice during visiting hours, and besides, hospitals made him nervous. He later complained that he could not understand why she broke up with him over this and that it was most unreasonable and unfair. After all, she was in safe hands and well cared for. Months after the breakup she learned he had spent the second night she was in the hospital with another woman. She said, “I’m so glad, relieved in fact, that he proved his love was fake before I found out about his cheating on me. That would’ve hurt but now it’s just validation. I know I’m worth a lot more than his stupid sports club”.

One of the best differentiating signs of real versus false love has to do with the answer to the 3D question. “Will someone professing love willingly endure ongoing, discomfort, difficulty and danger for the well-being of the loved? (See “Why You Need To Know More About Real Love” and our book Real Love False Love.) Remember: real love causes us to want for and, if possible, act for the well-being of the loved (see “The Definition of Love” and “A Dozen Things Love is and A Dozen Things Love is Not”).

False forms of love tend to be about the paramount desires of the self, not about the loved. They may be well masked and hard to detect but they tend to surface in time. Good, healthy love of another does not preclude actions of good, healthy self-love. It just is that love of another is equal or stronger and shows up especially when a loved one faces ongoing discomfort, difficulties and dangers. Real love often, but not always, can be genuinely happy to be of service and assistance when facing difficulties. Acts that come from duty, obligation, guilt, etc. – not so much (see Real Love False Love).

There are some forms of false love that seem to show signs of love’s enduring quality. One of these is the form called Fatal Attraction Syndrome. Its enduring actions come not from love but from an obsessive and compulsive mental health problem. In its moderately serious form, it results in annoying, continuous harassment and stalking behavior. In its most serious form – death by murder and/or suicide can result (see “Fatal Attraction Syndrome”).

Paranoid syndromes may also seem to have enduring signs of love in a seemingly protective way. The protectiveness usually is a mask for possessiveness and insecurity. This is birthed from fear not love. Addiction syndromes can manifest pseudo-love endurance behaviors so long as the supposed loved one continues to be a facilitator of the addiction.

What Does It Mean to Endure

Love empowers us to keep going in adversity, continue in spite of difficulty, remain, last, tolerate, withstand and, when needed, to suffer patiently. It also can mean to bravely resist, courageously carry on, stoically live through and with resignation weather the storm. It is love’s enduring quality that gives, assists and defends love’s longevity. Enduring love means not only do we come to the aid of our loved ones but we stay there, not withdrawing or retreating in the face of adversity or adversaries.

Is This What Paul Meant?

At first glance, it can seem like this precept in Paul’s discourse on love is just another way to say love bears all things (see “Love Bears All Things”). There are, however, some important differences. I am told those may be easier to understand in the ancient biblical Greek than in English. Love endures all things in the ancient biblical Greek is “agape panta hupomenei”. Remember, just like in English, Greek words can have more than one meaning.

Some scholars suspect that in Paul’s day it perhaps was understood that these words emphasized not fleeing or removing oneself from the fray, abandoning the field of conflict, or to stand one’s ground under attack. The word agape is thought to carry with it the connotation of compassionate love and continuously active love in the needed service of the loved. Interestingly, some think Paul’s teaching also implies willingly enduring or putting up with awkward circumstances caused by unloving fellow church members, or something like that. Love endures all things is further thought to especially imply to endure persecution, afflictions and troubles caused by those acting against the Christian movement.

Of the 30 biblical translations reviewed, 17 translated Paul’s words as “love endures all things” which is the most common interpretation. It is, therefore, the one we use here.

Other interpretations, both in Bibles and suggested for possible future consideration, include “love endures”, “ love is always no matter what”, ”love endures through every circumstance”, “love - she is full of patient endurance”, “love never gives up”, “love always remains strong”, “love always perseveres”, “love never looks back”, “love needs never retreat”, “love will never remove itself from adversity”, “love does not flee from its opposition”, “love makes us stand our ground”, “love prevails over the unloving”, “love will endure the persecution and afflictions of all who move against it”, “love gives us endurance over all troubles”, “love has the power to endure all difficulties” and “love is forever”. I suggest all of those may be used to broaden our understanding of what Paul’s words may cover. The all things part is thought to mean, by implication, all things difficult.

Enduring the Attack on Love

A lot of the world has been intolerant and attacking of love when it comes in forms different than that of its attackers. In my career as a family and relational therapist I frequently was called upon to assist individuals, couples ,families, alternate lifestylers and others in their fight against those who did not want them to do love the way they were doing it. In counseling sessions, often in court, once in a while in public forums and in politics I and others like me have battled for loves diversity and against anti-love bigotry, prejudice, intolerance, bias, and ignorance.

One of the most common difficulties concerning tens of thousands of couples, parents, families and others who are challenged to endure is the ongoing intolerance for who, and how, others do their love. Issues of bi-racial love, bi-sexual love (see “Gender Diversity Love”), gay love, throuple love (see “Throuple Love, A Growing Worldwide Way of the Future?”), elder love (see “Elder Love”), age different love (see “Should Age Make A Difference – In Love” and “Age Differences and Romantic Love”), different religions love, parental love, family love, etc. – all have their active and often well-meaning but sometimes vicious enemies.

Those who choose a path of love different from the accepted can face family banishment, legal battles over custody of children, public shaming, forced isolation from loved ones and their home communities, efforts to break up their marriages, costly legal entanglements, episodes of hate, rejection and condemnation and even being honor killed – all because of who and how they do their love relationships – differently.

Enduring family rejection that lasts for years unfortunately is very common in the lives of those who do love out of the norm. It is so wonderful when this is finally overcome and reconciliation occurs which very often it does with the help of family counseling and/or coaching. When loving re-connection does not happen, escape to a new environment full of new and more loving people frequently is the best solution. Given the chance, love will find a way.

One more thing: Do you have friends who like to discuss things religious, spiritual, denominational, theological or ecumenical? If so, you might want to talk over this mini-love-lesson and this series with them. If you do, please do mention this site. Thank you!

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J. Richard Cookerly

Quotable Question: Is your way of doing religion leading you to the ways of more love? If not, where is it leading you to?

False Form of Love: Nympholepsia

Synopsis: This mini love lesson starts with a getting to know Nympholepsia; then discusses unrequited love; a typical case; getting the accurate picture; confusions; sex and Nympholepsia; not wanting what’s wanted; ever seeking and never finding; and what’s to be done about this False Form of Love.

Getting to know Nympholepsia

Nympholepsia is one of the most interesting forms of false love. Sometimes it is like being in love without having to go to the trouble of actually having any relationship at all. It even can be a love-like relationship with someone who doesn’t even exist. Nevertheless, the emotions involved can be extremely intense, the behaviors involved quite complicated and sometimes the outcome is quite devastating.

Judge Roy Bean, of “The Law West to the Pecos” fame, is thought to have had a pretty bad nympholeptic problem focused on the greatest actress of his time, Lily Langtry. He went to all sorts of trouble concerning her, including even renaming a town for her, Langtry Texas. However, he never had any but the most formal personal contact with her. One of America’s greatest salonnières and the female who was declared the World’s First, Great, New Age Woman, Mabel Dodge Luhan, is said to have had a terrible nympholeptic relationship with John Reid, the amazing young chronicler of both Poncho Villa and the Communist revolution in Russia and who wrote the incredibly influential “Ten Days That Shook the World.”

Unrequited Love

In the age of chivalry, knights who were supposed to chastely and platonically ‘pine for’ unattainable Royal ladies, who were above their own rank and station, may have been being led to suffer from Nympholepsia (also known as nymphlepsy). The same condition is thought to affect a fair number of the thousands who go into frenzies when adoring the rock star of the moment. Then there are those who learn of some hero or heroine of a past time and are quite sure they have hopelessly fallen in love with that person who is no longer counted among the living.

Tragically some of those even suicide so as to have a chance to find their love-interest in the hereafter. Others swear they meet their paramour in their dreams, while others testify strongly to having had wonderful sex with their favorite lover ghosts. Some even claim to be madly in love with literary characters that never existed in real life. Most who suffer from this false form of love do so in a more ordinary way, but that doesn’t make their suffering any less intense.

A Typical Case

Chastity was brought to counseling by her husband who said she cannot sleep, won’t eat and is in a frenzy about everything, but can’t tell anyone what is wrong and we are all very worried about her. Talking to her alone Chastity frantically fidgeted, got up and paced around and showed many other signs of agitation. After miscellaneous comments she began to blush and whisper that her condition began right after she learned her pastor was moving to another church in a distant city. Slowly it all came out. She had become enamored of her pastor soon after he arrived at their church some six years ago.

He was a popular, handsome, charismatic figure that many women found intensely attractive. Chastity quickly came to secretly worship him from afar. At the church she volunteered for everything that would put her in contact with him. At night she dreamed romantic but never erotic dreams of him and never let anyone know her true feelings. She gave him and his wife and their children very nice appropriate gifts, did them favors and never strayed over the lines of propriety. It was enough for her to just serve him and be in his shadow, though her actions slowly became more and more frenetic.

Her husband, and her children, and later even her parents occasionally complained that her church activities seemed a bit too much but that’s all they did. But now that the pastor was going to be even more completely unattainable than before she was in a frenzy of uncontrollable, rapidly changing, very difficult to handle emotions. In time with therapy and some medication she did become healthier.

Chastity came to see she actually did not have an adult, real, romantic relationship with her pastor but rather she was fixated on the fantasy of him loving her. By being valued by him in her fantasies she too became valuable. In real life he would often thank her, praise her, compliment her, and make laudatory remarks about her to others. This gave her meaning, purpose and fulfillment for a time. Later she figured out that all had to do with her childhood and her father who never was very loving, seldom praising and almost never thankful. She saw that she didn’t want her pastor to respond to her erotically or even very romantically because those actions would be too different from a father to a daughter.

These dynamics are not common to everyone who suffers from Nympholepsia but they were her dynamics. Today she is well past all that and has actually grown from the experience but she would not want to go through it again.

Getting the Accurate Picture

The two most important words for understanding Nympholepsia are ‘frenzy’ and ‘unattainable. The condition throws people into a frenzy of emotions, and scrambled thoughts and sometimes peculiar behaviors. The dynamics often involve seeking or even feeling one has love for and/or from that which is unattainable.

In the worst cases some people ‘go crazy’ trying to attain the unattainable and then fall into the pits of depression or even psychosis. In the 1800’s the condition was thought to frequently cause convulsions and seizures, along with other somatic symptoms.

The word Nympholepsia comes from the Greek ‘nympholeptos’ which means to have been caught and bewitched, or entranced by a naked, highly erotic, attractive nymph or Sprite who was by definition unattainable to humans. This, it was thought, drove people into an emotional frenzy causing them to spend their lives in hopeless pursuit of the nymphs and finally to wither and die.

In mythology and Catholic theology the term meant accidentally seeing a naked nymph and being driven into a frenzy of ecstasy, never again to be satisfied by a mere mortal human. The only salvation from this demonic possession required a full-fledged exorcism. Today the term refers to going into an emotional frenzy while trying to obtain something or someone unable to be obtained and being destructively effected in the process.

Confusions

Nympholepsia sometimes is confused with pedophilia because it often involves people of rather different ages being attracted to each other or one to another. It also has been confused with the ‘Lolita complex’ and misidentified as something that mostly men do with younger females.
It, furthermore, has been confused with nymphomania, probably partly because it has the prefix nymph and partly because it has to do with romantic-like relationship situations and dynamics. It also has been misidentified as something young girls do toward and with older men.

Some of the people thought to suffer from this false form of love have been known to be quite fixated, and obsessive and occasionally even violent in their acting out of their passion. The ones in this condition who are highly sexed sometimes are confused with having a sex addiction and the nonsexual ones with having a neurotic or, more recently, with having a sexual desire problem.
It’s interesting that some therapists seem to think this condition mostly occurs only in males and others think it mainly shows up in females. In my experience it’s pretty gender even. It also seems to occur in homosexuals, bisexuals, older people, younger people, all races, all socio-economic classes and every other category I know, although there are those that disagree with me about that.

Sex and Nympholepsia

With this condition there can be people who have no sexual desire nor even any sex feelings involved in their nympholeptic condition. With others there is a great deal of sex especially frenzied, passionate sex. Sometimes the sex is with a surrogate and sometimes with the target of their passions, and if that target is unattainable sublimation may occur. A common complaint goes something like “he (or she) professes lots of love for me, has great sex with me, but won’t stay with me, marry me and won’t stop going off with others, or won’t stop doing big, long, involved things that have nothing to do with me and don’t including me”. Another common complaint is that she (or he) is emotionally unavailable while at the same time being very sexually available.

Some nympholeptics have serial sex. I once counseled a girl who just knew she was truly, and deeply, and incredibly in love with one drummer after another. She had all-consuming, frenzied emotions with each drummer right up to the morning after a wild, passionate night of sex together. Then she would have the realization that the drummer would be going on to others and never really be hers at a heart level, and he just would be like the last several drummers and probably like the next one, which essentially was that he would be unavailable for a healthy, real, love relationship. In her case the background cause was very poor self love and very musical parents.

For some people suffering this condition it all can change if the female becomes pregnant. At that point they often lose interest in the other person and it’s all over. This leads some of my evolutional psychology friends to suspect the whole condition has something to do with genetic survival mechanisms.

Not Wanting What’s Wanted

Some people suffering from Nympholepsia are quite secretly and safely satisfied if the unattainable person remains unattainable, though they still suffer about it. By longing for someone they can’t have, they have a relationship without having a relationship. They can tell people that they love someone and often can tell a great deal about their romantic feelings, but when they want to do something as a single they are completely free to do it. This accounts for some of the people who marry a prisoner serving a life sentence or serving a very long sentence. They can say they’re married, they can send love-like messages back and forth, they even can visit, and they can have romantic, long-suffering experiences which brings the drama of romance to their life but with very little of the trouble.

This may be a sort of pseudo-Nympholepsia or just another form of it. Sometimes people in this variation of Nympholepsia panic and run away if their ‘romantic target’ suddenly becomes available or somehow actually comes into their real life. Others truly pine away and, to a large degree, either dysfunction or excuse their dysfunction with their unrequited love situation.

Ever Seeking Never Finding

A fair number of people repeatedly go after the unattainable lover, and for a long time they just won’t quit. This wears them out, drains them, distracts them from healthy productive living, causes a lot of agony, depletes their self-confidence, generally wastes a lot of life, and sometimes gets them to turn to various addictions, become depressed and sometimes suicidal.

Some of these people keep going after the same person over and over, and others keep going after ‘versions of the same person’ but either way they never really get what they’re after. That’s because what they’re after is truly unattainable. Do they subconsciously know this? Some therapists think so, others think not.

Interestingly for many with Nympholepsia if they actually do seem to attain the lover they are after, one of two things happens. They either have finally won the prize and don’t need to go after it anymore, so they basically sort of say “thank you, goodbye” and go on to something healthier.
The other outcome is that what they have attained turns out not to be all that desirable after all. In both cases the relationship comes to an end.

In its milder forms Nympholepsia is like a ‘crush’ or ‘the idealization’ phase of an IFD False Form of Love pattern, maybe without the F and D stages. (See False Forms of Love: The Devastating IFD Syndrome) In a stronger form, the frenzy can get quite destructive and the lack of attainment can be very deeply frustrating and depleting. All forms of Nympholepsia generally are thought to have a tendency to block people from having healthy, real, love relationships develop.

What’s to be done?

Some form of fairly deep psychotherapy usually is what’s needed to cure this affliction if it is severe. There are those who seem to ‘mature out of it’. Some who are good at insight and redirecting themselves, figure it out and learn about healthy, real love and go after that instead. Knowledge about this condition helps people avoid it, especially in its earlier stages. If a friend or family member seems to be headed toward suffering from Nympholepsia I suggest you encourage them to read this mini love lesson and then direct them toward a therapist known to be able to do deep, psychotherapeutic work.

As always – Go and Grow with Love

Dr. J Richard Cookerly

♥ Love Success Question Are you now or have you ever set yourself up for love failure by desiring the unattainable? If so, are you likely to do that again?

Illustration: Nymph by Blanche Paymal-Amouroux, French, 1899, public domain, thanks Wikimedia Commons.

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